Post # 1
I have been posting on Wb for over 2 years but because of the nature of this post, I am using a different username.
Darling Husband and I have almost reached the 2 year mark and I am afraid I have made a grave mistake getting married again. Yes, I was marrried before and you think I would be smarter, but apparently not.
We are a middle-aged couple and our sex-life has gone from HOT HOT HOT to almost non-existant. He lacks desire and has difficulty maintaining an erection. And yes he has seen his doctor about it and yes we have tried prescription drugs for it. They did not help much.
I can deal with the lack of sex, I really can. It is the lack of intimancy I miss. The laying close in bed, hugs, holding hands, touching each other tenderly. I have tried to talk to him about this and things improve for a bit then nothing again. Still he is a GOOD man – he has a good heart, he brings me flowers. he takes me out to dinner and he helps out around the house. I told myself this is good enough, after all, we are not young adults anymore.
Now here’s the problem, a former student of mine (10 years younger than me) has been helping out with house renovations for the past 3 months. He has grown into a close friend and has in no way acted in an inappropriate fashion. However, I have discovered to my chargrin that I really really miss him when he’s not around. I do not have any thoughts of sex with him or any thoughts of a more serious relationship with him, but it makes me sad to think I prefer my friend’s company over my husband’s. I am beginning to think I may have made a mistake in getting married again and I am feeling pretty stupid right now.
Post # 3
What is your mistake centerd on, exactly?
It sounds like both you and Darling Husband are having some relationship issues and aren’t having needs met. When two people lack intimacy, the special dynamic of the union goes out the window (typically). It sounds like that has happened for you two; this is when you have to guard yourself and work for your relationship so it survives…if you want that, of course. Some don’t want to work at it.
I get the impression that your man can’t feel very good/confident/like a “man” due to his sexual performance. Culturally, that’s promoted as being “the man,” so if you aren’t performing…you, on some level, aren’t masculine enough. Dumb, but it’s a mind trip often with very real consequences.
Can he separate intimacy from sex? Some folks think intimacy = sex/sexual things, not the hand holding, cuddling, general closeness you’re referring to. How does he respond if you do initiate these things? What was his diagnosis, even (if you care to share)?
This is a touchy topic. If necessary, and for the sake of your marriage, hire someone else to help with renovations. That situation could be a slippery slope, even though all is fine at the moment. I’m slightly baffled as to why you think getting married was a mistake. Things happen, people “break,” things don’t go according to plan. There is no reason this situation cannot be fixed! Your man is going to need great love, patience, and understanding; your heart and presence will help him, even if you don’t see the immediate manifestations. Can you do that for him?
Post # 4
@Izzzypop: It sounds to me like you are sexually frustrated, so the guy working on your house is suddenly looking appealing to you, especially because he’s nice and you enjoy talking with him. I agree with PP that if you continue to be tempted by him, it may be best to find someone else to work on the house, or at the very least make sure you are never alone with him if you feel like you can’t trust yourself when it comes to him.
I agree with PP that there’s a difference between cuddling together/intimacy and sex. If you make the first effort and try to cuddle with him or hold his hand, does he push away?
I don’t really understand why this would cause you to question your marriage completely. Marriage is tough, and this is one of the trials and tribulations you are facing as a couple. Not to sound harsh, but you need to evaluate whether you are 100% committed if one bump in the road is making you question whether you should have married him.
Post # 5
I think you guys just arent spending enough quality time together. You need to get back to that place where you enjoy being around eachother. Do something goofy together. It also sounds a bit like you miss your sex life. I would just encourage you to talk to him. Communication is key.
Post # 6
You didn’t make a mistake getting married. You made a mistake when you didn’t realize that with age people and their bodies change. When you marry someone that should be a given. Perhaps before you feel as though divorce is your only option, you should go see a sex and relationship therapist. Learn other techniques for intimacy and get a mediator involved.
On another note, I don’t think the sex life is your entire issue, perhaps your emotional affair is getting in the way as well. That’s what you’re having. Remove yourself from that situation.