(Closed) Already Giving Up?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t know you or your husband, so it’s impossible for me to completely evaluate your relationship, but I think your husband sounds like he has some anger issues that he needs to deal with. The fact that he is bringing up divorce over something so small is absolutely ridiculous. I think you need to set some ground rules in your relationship for “fair fighting.” Tell him that it hurt you that he was so quick to resort to divorce when you believe marriage is for life and that you never want it to be brought up like that again. All that does is make you feel bad and worried.

I think it is completely reasonable you would want counseling. Many couples go through premarital and early marriage counseling just to be healthy, not because they have had previous issues.

Don’t be so quick to apologize and blame everything on yourself. Sure, you need to meet him half way, but in the situation you just described, it seems like he is being very quick to play like he is completely innocent and it is all your fault. THAT is not fair.

Post # 4
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think anyone ever just throws out “Maybe we should get divorced” if they haven’t truly had that thought already.  Your Darling Husband seems adamant against counseling, but until you can look at your relationship issues with a third, unbiased party, you won’t figure out how to fix it.

What kind of person gets pissed after hurting their spouse because THEY may have been looked at by strangers??  He was mad because other people were glaring at him?  Why wasn’t he sorry that he hurt you?  Apologizing would have gone a long way to help, but he either was TRYING to pick a fight, or he’s truly that selfish…

Post # 6
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@VeryConfusedAndScared: 

The real issue here isn’t even about whether he splashed too much or you yelled too loud. The real issue is that he is so quick to pull out the line about divorce and I think it’s very selfish that he won’t apologize and meet you half-way about counseling.

Post # 8
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree that it may be a good idea to go on your own and reevaluate your relationship. Just because he won’t be healthy doesn’t mean you shouldn’t. I hate how so many people view counseling as only being for crazy people or as being unnecessary; a counselor is simply an educated individual who is not involved in the drama and can shed some clarity on your situation. 

I have been in unhealthy and abusive relationships before, and I want you to know that you are worth a million bucks, and I’m sorry for your husband if he doesn’t see that. You are a strong individual, and you can and WILL get through this. Please don’t let his actions make your self esteem plummet. 

P.S. I’m sorry about the insurance; that totally sucks. I feel like it never covers anything myself!

Post # 11
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that it is too easy to threaten to leave when a situation is not going your way and also that, a lot of times, problems build up. Shortly after we got engaged, Fiance and I had a huge argument which led to me doubting if we made the right decision and I threatened to leave which only made him angry. Over the next couple of months it seemed we were always having huge arguments as a result of smaller issures building up until one of us broke and then the threats to leave returned. In fact, I’m pretty sure if I had not moved so far to be with him, I most likely would have actually left because that was my MO. However, when we finally came to our senses, we realized threatening to leave gets us know where and we both used it as a tactic to hurt the other person. We had a serious discussion and both agreed to take that off the table for future arguments. We promised that we would not use that as an empty threat and if one of us did use it, the other would be sure he/she moved out and followed through. So, what I’m saying is maybe you need to really talk about he smaller issues and take divorce off the table. In our case, it has been 2 years since we agreed not to threaten to leave and our relationship has been better for it.

I’m sure your long distance is not helping the issue. Is it possible that you could afford to quit your job and move before finding a new one? Even if you get a temp. job outside of your field or something to make a bit of $ $ while you interview, just living together and seeing each other more often will make a big difference. Hopefully also reducing stress. Good luck.

Post # 12
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Its hard to judge, since I don’t know either of you.  I’m just going on instinct and past experiences.  It sounds like he has control issues.  He knows what to say to make YOU say, “I’m sorry.”  He mentions that why go to counseling, “might as well get divorced.”  Its another way of controlling the issue.  I don’t know your everyday lives. But, everybody argues.  Its healthy.  But whats not healthy is not being able to argue.  It doesn’t sound like he allows it.  You start arguing…he brings up divorce.  I know from other posts that you’ve considered counseling but insurance doesn’t cover it.  Do you have a church?  I’m not religious, and I don’t have a church…but I hear that its a good place to go to “talk.”  I agree with slcey19 that living long distance may be difficult and straining the relationship.  I know its hard to make a move without job security, but if it means helping your marriage, maybe you should try.  I don’t know.  I hope everything works out.  Best of luck.

Post # 14
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Warning: this is really LONG!

It’s really hard to give advice in a vacuum so just bear in mind that we’re all going off of one side of the story. However, it sounds like the two of you are really only having issues when arguing. So in my mind, the solution is to learn how to fight fairly.

He needs to be calmer when he’s upset and not threaten. You need to learn to stop making every argument about your self-worth. (Disclaimer about that – I get what it’s like to have self-esteem issues. I’ve been there, done that, and have the t-shirt to prove it. What you don’t realize, is that when you ask questions like “Then why did you marry me?” it can sound both like a power play and a threat. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but it can be perceived that way anyhow. Especially when emotions are running high. So I’m not saying you’re bad or wrong, just suggesting you guard your own reactions as you’re asking him to.)

Since counseling is off the table at the moment, I do have a suggestion. Pick a time when everything is going well and you’re both happy. And gently broach a non-confrontational discussion about how the two of you fight. Make sure to phrase things very carefully. Instead of saying “You make me feel bad.” try saying things like “I feel bad when *suchandsuch* happens.” Make all of your statements about yourself and how you feel. That will help keep him from feeling attacked or accused. Then try to find ways to soothe both your own worries and him. For instance, remind him of all the reasons you married him and why you want it to last forever. Take the first step and apologize for anything you might have done to make him feel otherwise. And honestly listen to his thoughts and feelings. Once you both understand where the other is coming from, you should be able to find constructive ways to help each other and diffuse arguments before they get out of hand.

I think you are both good people and you love each other. Arguing and anger are tricky and you are by far not the first people to have trouble negotiating it. So don’t get too down on yourself, him, or the relationship over it. What you’re going through is more normal than you think.

Post # 15
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think Encore has a lot of good points. I don’t think the distance should make either of you quit your jobs because that will ADD stress because one of you gave up something big while the other one didn’t. Quitting your job would trash your self-esteem and make him feel he’s in total control of what you do.

If you follow some of Encore’s advice and things get better, I still suggest counseling not because I think you guys are more messed up than anyone else, but you’ve had a lot of crap to go through and it would be healthy. I am also not religious, but most of the time you can get free early marriage counseling at churches (you mentioned $$ being an issue with counseling a few posts above).

Keep us updated on how things are going. Hang in there!

Post # 16
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@VeryConfusedAndScared:

What does this mean specifically – “He’s then saying that he can’t put up with this anymore”

Reading this, based on the story as you told it, I was like, “put up with what??”

Does he have legitimate gripes?  What are his big complaints about you other than the self esteem issue? If a third party asked him what bothers him about the relationship, what would he say?

 

I don’t really understand his point of view here.  You asked him to take a look at a car lock that seemed broken and he flew off the handle.  Unless you were like “Hey Dumb F***, did you break this lock, get over here and look at it.  You’re an idiot” or something I really don’t get where his reaction is normal or based in reality.

 

Splashing you in the face really hard is aggressive and makes it seem like he has real anger towards you.  That’s troubling.  And then the episode ends with you apologizing to HIM.  He turned it around so it was about you yelling, when he really set the whole thing off by lashing out at you.  Whatever your own contribution to these issues is, he’s definitely no angel either.

 

He seems to resent your job situation and how you have to live apart.  What was he expecting when he married you?  Didn’t he understand things would be this way for a while?

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