Post # 17
Thanks to everyone who has provided input so far. Everything you have all said has been very insightful and helpful. I will definitely take Encore’s suggestions seriously. I just need to find a time when both of us are happy and not arguing.
PrettyFlowers, his major complain about me is that I’m not a good communicator/listener. I do agree with this. I sometimes have to ask him to repeat or explain something to make sure that I understand it. This can frustrate him. You’re right, he should’ve understood my job situation before hand. Trust me, if I could easily find a job near him that paid decent, then I would feel no resentment about giving up my current job. It’s just that nothing up there is available. He’s talking about getting a house in a year possibly, but I don’t know how that’ll work. I sometimes really regret going to college/graduate school sometimes because of all this debt I incurred. If it wasn’t for this debt, I could have just left my job now, moved in with him, and job searched while living with him.
I’ve almost considered just moving in with him and driving the five hours a day total to work (two and a half hours there and two and a half hours back). Deep down I know this is ridiculous and he wouldn’t like me doing this anyway due to all the miles I would put on my car. I’ve asked my job about working from home three days a week and driving into the office two days a week. They denied that. I even asked about working ten hour days Monday – Thursday so I could have Fridays off and have extra time with him. They denied this too. Though there are other people here who get what they want, when they want. I’m not able to manipulate people though, that’s just not me.
Thanks again and I will keep you all updated.
Post # 18
Girl, he needs to cut his sh*t, that’s all I’m saying. He has anger issues, and sulking like a child is NOT what a mature man in a committed relationship does. I agree with prettyflowers that he is NOT acting the way he should…and what concerns me is that what you’ve described are preliminary signs of abuse (I went through a very similar situation with a boyfriend several years ago). Not to scare you…just something to be aware of and watchful for.
The fact that he expects YOU to do all the apologizing and doesn’t admit when he’s in the wrong, PLUS the fact that he’s more concerned about appearance (the spousal abuse thing) is troubling. Take care of yourself.
Also, I would HIGHLY recommend counseling. If he refuses or thinks it’s a death sentence for the marriage, he’s already given you an answer–the marriage will not work. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but you might want to reevaluate your relationship with him if he can’t get himself under control.
Post # 19
@statutory-grape I totally agree with you.
@VeryConfusedAndScared You’re being abused, and you’re being owned. This guy is good at spinning the sh1t back at you so you end up apologising.
From what I’ve read and from your previous posts – you’re not in a healthy relationship. So you have esteem issues? We all do in some way, shape or form. It’s not about apologising for them and fixing yourself. You are you. The only thing you need to work on is sticking up for yourself. Your posts in this topic have all been put downs on you, and excuses for him – saying that it’s the distance causing the issues, it was the stress, it’s cos he missses you… well NO, it’s because he’s mean and patronising and thinks he’s above you, I’m sorry but it’s true.
If my Boyfriend or Best Friend had freaked out over asking for him to look at a door lock I would have hauled him up on it right there and then… “Don’t you dare talk to me like that! I was only asking for your help.” And if he didn’t apologise and explain the flip out, I’d be in the car waiting to go home, or I would have caught a bus.
Please don’t put the fear or refusal of divorce above your safety and happiness. It’s better to cut your losses and put yourself first.
If he won’t go to counselling (and I think you should both go) then he won’t put your marriage before his pride. And that is NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s his, and it’s his choice to make.
Please, please look after yourself. Before you become even more owned by him. I’ve seen it happen. Life is too short.
Post # 20
My parents used to use the “we should just get a divorce” in every arguement that they had. For 34 years, that was how every one ended. This is something that we had to listen to growing up. It was damaging to us as well as not a good way to end every arguement.
Eventually they started living seperate lives. So much so that my dad was staying upstairs, and my mom downstairs. They would go out seperately, sleep seperately, eat seperately. They almost never saw each other.
They did finally get a divorce, but lets just say that my dad didn’t think my mom was serious this time.. you know why? Because after every arguement there was the threat of divorce… he didn’t know when it was actually going to be real.
My dad is also not a fan of councelling. I don’t know if it would have helped them in the end because there had been soooo many years of this.
For you, start early. Tell him it’s not okay to threaten divorce. It’s not funny, and it’s not the answer to every arguement. Ask him why he’s not okay with councelling. And if it were the only way to save your marriage, why he wouldn’t want to do it.
If you can get to councelling and work out your differences, you can make it work. I think that the distance def. puts a strain on your relationship & that stress can cause arguements more often, but they never have to end with a threat like that.
Good luck! I hope you guys can work it out.
Post # 21
I have to say I agree with others who are concerned about his controlling and anger… and if his complaint about you is that you are not a good communicator, let me tell you, what you have described from him is NOT “good communication”!!
My Fiance occasionally overreacts about stupid stuff and tries to act like it’s someone else’s fault… and I call her on it RIGHT then. And sometimes she’ll sulk but when she is clearly wrong she always owns up to it and apologizes. The whole lock situation you described never should have had him getting angry at you!
The threatening divorce thing concerns me because it is likely he is aware of your self esteem issues and knows how fearful that threat will make you. I will admit, I have some issues of my own surrounding abandonment, Daddy issues, you name it… and my Fiance would NEVER threaten to leave if she were not 100% seriously planning to do so. It’s an off limits threat and it SHOULD be.
I hope you can find some sort of sliding scale counseling for yourself if he won’t go. Here we have options.. if you are in a large city try calling the United Way, they usually have a good list of services of all kinds, varying based on income.
If you think that being in the same household is helpful or will be for you two, have you considered just trying to arrange deferment for your loans for a while? If you are temporarily unemployed, shouldn’t that be a possibility? I don’t know for sure as I am still racking up the student loan debt but that’s what I remember in all the paperwork and agreements I read before getting loans.
Post # 22
I was also very disturbed that the splashing you in the face incident ended with you apologizing to him. He sounds like a brute and very controlling overall. And I agree that you both need to learn how to fight fairly, you both say things in a manipulative way during fights.
I’ve been with Darling Husband for 3 years and the only time one of us threatened to leave (me threatening him) was when I was fed up over him not proposing. I meant it too, you can ask him if you don’t believe me! It’s hard, but we do our best to fight fairly. Everyone gets cranky and tired and says stupid things, but there has to be a line out of respect for each other and your relationship.
Post # 23
Speaking as someone who grew up with an abusive family member, this would set off major red flags, and I would be out the next day. The way my brother works – get upset over something stupid (like my mom wanting to grab something for dinner before going home – or being asked to look at a lock), sulk, then get aggressive (as in repeatedly punching my mother in the stomach, throwing me across the room, etc). He was worse with his girlfriends, but they never knew about his anger problems until they moved in with him. I taught my sister-in-law a couple of choke-holds right before their wedding, and she said it was the most practical gift anyone gave to their marriage, as she was running out of ways to restrain him. Until the past year or so, we’ve been waiting to hear he had committed homicide (he did end up going to court-ordered counseling, and he was FINALLY diagnosed as bi-polar. He’s much better now that he’s medicated. My parents had tried taking him to counseling before, but he wasn’t playing along.)
For someone who has self-esteem issues, it’ll be ten times harder to get out of that situation, if he does end up being violent after you move in. He pulled that with one of his girlfriends. He beat her because she talked to another guy (when he was cheating on her), she broke up with him, he faked suicide (that was a scary day, because my mom and I were angry at him instead of relieved he was alive), she got back with him… Don’t be that chick.