(Closed) Already unhappy

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@unhappywife10: How is your husband acting now? Is he back to his usual self?

Post # 18
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yall should of had different parties…I know I look into things more than i should so i understand some of where you are coming from..but…your bachoreltte party is about you and your friends and his should of been about his and his friends, mixing them together at a strip club probably wasnt the best idea… His brother sounds like an ass, does he live close to yall?  Is he around alot?  

The Big question is…Do you LOVE him and is this worth fighting for??  

Post # 19
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

  I have a hard time believing anyone would act that way at their bachelor and bachelorette parties or at their wedding.  Sounds like counseling is the way to go before any drastic decisions are made.

Post # 20
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

yeah…it’s been three days since the wedding.  little early to be calling it quits.

Post # 21
Member
612 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree the mixed parties were a bad idea. Of COURSE he wants his own time with his own friends. Why would that bother you? Honestly I couldn’t be in a relationship where we are joined at the hip. I need my time to enjoy my friends and he gets that same time. My Fiance and I do spend a lot of time with each other (more than our friends), but we don’t spend ALL our time together.

Part of a wedding is going around a socializing, but again not always as the “joined at the hip” couple. This all really worries me and not neccessarily about his behavior. I recommend counseling, both individual and couple. It sounds like there are some issues with seperation and individuality that didn’t get resolved before the marriage. Those are dangerous things to have in a marriage.

Post # 22
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Wedding events are chaotic and it’s hard for anyone to control all the moving parts. I also missed the toast at our rehearsal dinner, which was essentially my wedding toast because the father of the bride refused to do the toast in front of all the wedding guests. What can you do? It’s nobody’s fault, really. I think you’re letting a trivial thing ruin your wedding memories. Try to put it past you and move on. This isn’t the sort of thing you end a marriage over.

Post # 23
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think with all the stress of wedding planning, and the parties, you are very emotional and overreacting… Get some rest, it helps with gaining perspective.

He told you that for the party he wanted to have his own time, and this is ok. He should get to have his own time, anytime he wants. Now he didn’t handle it well and he recognized it. Sounds like an apology to me. Learn from that, and in the future, discuss both your expectations beforehand – so there will be no surprises.

You do not like his brother’s guts, but your Darling Husband ain’t his brother and you need to trust that he will behave even when he’s with his brother…

Do you really want to breakup and not spend your life with this man, over this? If so, maybe you were never ready for marriage in the first place. There will be times in life that will be way more difficult that this, and only your solid commitment to each other will ensure that you make it through as a couple..

Post # 24
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think a lot of folks might be missing the main point here. Regardless of whether or not you believe they should have had a separate bachelor/ette party, they did NOT have one and they obviously made that decision together.  The point is his uncharacteristic behavior, which was not influenced by alcohol since they weren’t drinking, and how uncomfortable that is making the OP.  He obviously was acting VERY out of character and that worries the OP because she has not seen this behavior prior to now.  I would be worried too, if my soon-to-be-husband acted that way toward me and was completely indifferent to my feelings. 

@futuremominlaw : Those kind of remarks are not supportive, nor do they address the issue or topic at hand. The OP is looking for support and advice, not whether or not someone believes this is a true story. 

@unhappywife10 : Along with @MissChapstick, I would like to know how he is acting toward you now.  It sounds like you guys have a lot of feelings that need to be addressed.  If it is bothering you this badly (and it probably is bothering him, too) you simply can’t ignore it and hope it will get better.  I’m not saying to end your marriage over this, but it communication is KEY and it’s not always easy.  Best of luck to you both, and I sure hope you guys can find a resolution! 

Post # 25
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am sorry to hear you are in such a bad place so soon after your wedding! With that said though, I COMPLETELY agree with serasvictoria!  Who’s idea was the “Jack and Jill” party?  Maybe he didn’t know / was afraid to tell you how he really felt about having that night to himself with his friends…?

Post # 26
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Unhappy, I’m really sorry you are going through this! Let me just say that first of all, I think your bachelor/bachelorette parties should have been separate and that was a big part of what went wrong. There is a reason they are named bachelor parties, the guys (and girls) need to be alone and have a night out AWAY from each other. I understand there is a big trend to combine them, but honestly I think it’s a terrible idea. Do I like to think about what my Darling Husband did on his bachelor party away from me? No, but he needed that time to be with his friends and party it up, I gave it to him and he is forever grateful. That is what a healthy relationship is about.

Second, this brother in law sounds a little toxic. He seems jealous that you are taking his brother away and trying to sabatoge your relationship. It is up to your husband to sort this out, but you should make him aware that it’s you or him from now on.

You may need to see a counselor to work some of these issues out, but I doubt your husband is a different person than the man you fell in love with. During our premarital sessions with our reverend, we spoke a lot about relationships both good and bad that will affect our marriage. Your brother in law is totally one of the toxic relationships we spoke about and while it is important to remain close to family, if he is hurting your bond you need to keep your distance. Friends are also really important to your relationship, so I would make sure none of his friendships were damaged by what happened on your joint party.

Post # 27
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ok, so your jack and jill party didnt work out as planned, and your wedding day didn’t exactly go like you though it did either.  Take a step back and try to evaluate your relationship objectively. Have you guys often “misunderstood” each other’s expectations and gotten into fights as a result? When you two started planning your parties and wedding, how did you discuss your expecations? What was the decision process like? How did you guys make sure both of your dreams for the wedding/marriage come true?

Because it sounds like you two are having some communication issues and not quite seeing eye-to-eye. I don’t think your marriage is doomed, but you two need to come up with a more solid and reliable form of communicating. The only way to start is by talking to him.

Post # 28
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

How much of this is post-nuptual depression?  It sounds like you’re mostly disappointed that things didn’t meet your expectations more than anything else.

Counseling is probably a good idea.  A bad wedding experience doesn’t mean a bad marriage.

Post # 29
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

let us know how it goes. You really really need to talk to him and expplain how his behavior makes you feel. Don’t be accusatory, it will put him on the defense. Instead of, “I can’t believe you said_____” say “when you said/did ______, it made me feel _____”

Then, and I know that this is the hard part, really, truly try to understand where he is coming from. And I COMPLETELY agree with @moderndaisy: sounds like this brother is a toxic element in your relationship. Express to your husband how his behavior around his brother is affecting the both of you. And yes, you should get counseling, because it sounds like you two could use a little help opening communication highways.

good luck, I know you’re probably feeling crummy right now, but you can fix this!

Post # 30
Member
13095 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m in the camp that thinks you need to take a step back because you are kind of overreacting about this.

Even if you are at a joint bachelor/bachelorette party that doesn’t mean that the two of you are supposed to be attached at the hip.  Joint or separate, it is still an opportunity to decompress and have fun with your closest friends (not necessarily with each other).  Yes – he didn’t handle it the best way possible but he recognized this and apoligized.

And for your wedding – again, he should be able to socialize with your guests and there is no reason for him to be attached at the hip to you all night.  And if you two weren’t together, that is as much your fault as his.  You could have walked up to him anytime that evening; maybe he’s wondering why you weren’t hanging out with him!  As for missing the toast – mistakes happen.  Everyone has things at their wedding that don’t go as planned.  snmcdowell missed a toast too – these things happen and it shouldn’t effect your marriage or your bond.

Post # 31
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Um…I just re-read the OP. I don’t think OP is happy about the lap dances (she mentions lap dances TWICE). Could this be the underlying issue? On top of that, she wasn’t feeling well and her Fiance didn’t check on her. After re-reading her post. I would be livid too. So maybe those of you saying she is over-reacting should re-read her post?

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