(Closed) Already unhappy

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bee-gotten: I would be livid as well, but I think people are saying that not wanting to be married anymore is an overreaction.

Either way… chin up, @unhappywife10, chill out, have a drink, and relax. 

Seems both of you are a tad overwhelmed at the moment, so just give it a couple of days by focussing on yourself, then give chatting with him another go.

Good luck!

Post # 33
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@said8me: Ah ! Got ya ! I get it now.

Let me think, would I want to be married anymore? Well, I can’t imagine two awful nights killing my dreams with my husband for the rest of our lives, but I sure would need a LOT of time and kind words from Husband before I trusted him again.

Post # 34
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through that unhappywife.  No new bride wants an angry or sad memory of their wedding day.  I may not know either of you, but I do think that there are so many other things to consider. 

On our wedding day, I wasn’t with my husband the whole time either and I would hate for him to think that I was being rude for that.  We had a lot of guests and we were both so happy to have everyone there alltogether that as a host, I felt like it’s only right to visit with our guests.  A few people came up to us too, but a lot of guests were all having fun and visiting with each other – which is perfectly fine. You can’t plan or predict how you’ll feel on the day of the wedding and maybe your husband was just so happy to see everyone that he wanted to be with them, not necessarily, NOT with you – but just with them, his/your guests. 

As for the bachelor/bachelorette party, I’ll have to agree with the poster who said that it should have been separate.  I’m against combined parties for that reason, it’s a time for the groom & bride to celebrate with their own friends, for one day-away from the wedding plans and away from each other.  Although you weren’t feeling well, i’m sure he was waiting for that day for a while, to have fun with his buddies before his big day. He probably just lost sight in that moment since thats the only time you get that kind of attention from your friends, in that way. 

When weddings happen, so many things mix together and many times we’re thrown into situations that we have never had to deal with before – good and bad.  One of those is being the center of attention at our events leading up to the wedding and on the wedding day.  Not everyone knows exactly how to balance and handle that.  It doesn’t make them a bad person, maybe they’re just excited and not used to the kind of fun that weddings bring.  I don’t think you’re overreacting, but I do think that you can do a makeover of your thoughts & memories of that week before and on the day of your wedding.  It’s always our own choice to let things go and if you remember why you’re marrying him in the first place, I’m sure knowing how to act at a bachelor party & wedding weren’t on that list.  I say give him another chance and let him make it up to you. But those are just my thoughts 🙂

Post # 35
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you should spend a few days and think about what is really upseting you and try to understand if its really bad enough to consider not marrying this man. 

  1. I agree it sounds like you had an issue with the lapdances.  What else happened that caused you not to have fun. 
  2. Obviously he didn’t come after you and take care of you like a husband should. Maybe it was a mistake on his part.  
  3. Did he know that he was expected to be by your side throughout the wedding or that you wanted to hear the best man toast?  He honestly may now have known what was expected of him. 

Post # 36
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that you both need to take a step back to see where the real issue lies. Saying you want out of the marriage b/c of a few bad nights is a pretty drastic reaction – are there other things that are bothering you?

I think it would be good that you both go to counseling to get things out on the table. Clearly, you’re really hurt and frustrated at the way he acted both at the jack and jill party and at your wedding. You won’t be able to let that go until he understands how he made you feel. Right now, it sounds as if he’s brushing that off as if it’s no big deal and not considering your feelings.

I’m sorry to hear that things got off to a rough start, but a rough start doesn’t always equate to a rough marriage. Try talking it over with him or seen a counselor to get everything out in the open.

Post # 37
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would like to wager a theory that might let you see things from your FI’s point of view. I have a male friend whose girlfriend loves to keep a very tight leash on him. If they are out and he isn’t paying her enough attention she feigns illness and frequently storms off in an effort to get him to chase her down and pay her some attention. I am not for a minute suggesting that you were doing this, but such behaviour is very common, so maybe your Fiance thought this is what was happening?

I just don’t think that any of this sounds like grounds for not wanting to be married to someone. Like others have suggested, it is probably best to get counselling as marriage is of course likely to bring up far worse issues than this.

Post # 38
Member
332 posts
Helper bee

I am really sorry your are feeling this way and I understand why you’re upset, but you have to work at a marriage…..till death do you part…..not till arguement or mistake do you part. I would feel awful if my fiance/husband acted this way too but there is a lot of stress and emotions that go on sometimes in the wedding process. Take a little while to cool off and then think and deside if those couple of bad days out-weight all the many days he’s been carring to you.

Post # 39
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m really sorry to hear how unhappy you are, especially with your wedding only a few days ago.

To be honest it seems like you really aren’t over the Bachelor/Bachelorette Bash. It was probably not such a good idea to combine them and it was certainly not a good idea to have a joint bash at a strip club. That’s bad news bears.

This is just the beginning of your marriage and if you can’t survive something this small you have another thing coming to you girly!

 

Post # 40
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Something that sticks out at me about the initial post is that your tried to give the ring back the night before the wedding.  Now, I’m not saying his behavior was appropriate, and I understand why it hurt your feelings, but that’s a pretty dramatic step to take because a party went poorly.  Is that something that’s happened before?  That is, were there fights prior to the bachelor/bachelorette party where you threatend to break the engagement because he had made you unhappy?

It seems to me that you might want to take a step back and consider the ways in which jumping straight to, “I’m done,” when faced with mild and mid-level conflict might impact how you and your husband handle disagreements and hurt feelings.

Post # 42
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I do not think you are over-reacting at all. I would be absolutely livid. While I certainly would not bag the marriage yet, this definitely is a red flag. There is a definitely lack of respect that is disturbing.

Post # 43
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@teaadntoast: Perfect answer – it seems as if the OP used the engagement as a bargaining chip and is now trying to do that with the marriage.

Post # 44
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with teaandtoast. 

Post # 45
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry that you are upset, but I do think you are overreacting.

OF COURSE he wanted to spend some time with his friends. He was about tototally give up his single status. And, I’m sure he was probably tired of hearing about wedding planning, etc…needed the down time, and probably just wanted time with his friends. There is ABSOLUTELY DEFINITELY a limit to how much time you can spend with one person, new wife or not. In my opinion, it sounds like you are trying to keep him on a very short leash and that NEVER works with a guy.

Give him some slack. And unless his brother does something to you personally, leave him out of it, too. IT is his BROTHER, he has known him all his life. His brother’s misbehavior is not a reflect of your husband’s behavior.

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