Post # 1
Just wondering if anyone had experience with this. My friend is great, she has never interfered with any of my relationships. My insecurity comes from 2 guys I dated who stated how hot/beautiful my friend is. I know you don’t go blind when in a relationship, but I never ogled other guys or mentioned how hot they were in front of my bf. One guy I was dating (exclusively) stated she was so beautiful she could be a model. This something he never said to me, even though he did give me compliments. My FH on the other hand is extremely respectful, but I can’t help feeling that he finds my friend hotter. I’ve expressed this to him and he always reassures me that he finds me to be the most attractive. Any advice?
A lot this insecurity stems from being compared to other people when I was younger. Someone was always better then me at something and why could I be like x, y, z person. I have tons of physical flaws I dislike about myself esp my complexion (big pores, blackheads and body acne).
Post # 2
The reality is that there will always be people who look better than you and can do any number of things better than you. You can obsess about it or forget about it. Make a reasonable effort toward your appearance and your own achievements, but don’t be a perfectionist.
Post # 3
overthemoon2018 : my ex used to compare me to my friend and make me very self conscious. I knew that if he’d ever stood a chance with her, he’d have preferred to be with her and dumped me for her. It’s a dick move and your ex is a dick for doing that to you.
What has your FH done to make you feel like he finds her more attractive?
Some one is always going to be better at something than you. But you’re also going to be better at other things than those people. We are t created in a way that we can everything perfectly. There are things out there that you can do, that you can do better than anyone in your circle. You also need to remember the way you look at yourself is not the same way your partner looks at you. My favourite wedding photo is one of my husband laughing, he hates that photo because all he can focus on is how he looks laughing.
Post # 4
It sounds like you think your friend is hotter than you. There’s nothing he can say to change your own opinion. So what if your friend is hotter than you? Beauty is an opinion. Men my best friend finds attractive I am in zero way attracted to and most the time I find them very unattractive.
Learn to love yourself for you. If someone wants and loves you, they want you! There will always be someone prettier, better at, smarter or richer than you. But rather than comparing yourself to them, be you, love you and be the best version of you. They are already taken. Your friend being model hot doesn’t take away from your own beauty.
Maybe do affirmation excercises at a set time each day. I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am funny, I love myself, I love my body. What do you need to do to feel more secure with yourself?
Post # 5
overthemoon2018 : I feel you. I’ve experienced that myself. But you know what? I took the “prettier” person as an example and by doing that I tried to improve myself and my selfesteem. I asked myself what made her pretty? (Or at least, why did I think she was pretty? – because my insecurities came from that aspect) That was the key for me. I worked on the issues that were making me insecure and which I thought were making her prettier. For example I straightened and whitened my teeth, I went to facials regularly – my skin has since improved a lot -, I took care that my nails were always done. I used to be quite hairy on my body – found the Ipl device for home use – problem solved. I learned how to put a little makeup on just to look more polished. Such little things actually.
After doing these little changes I realised that I actually was just as pretty as she was. My confidence has gone up and I felt much better in my skin. If now someone told me she was a hot babe, it wouldn’t bother me that much, because I know, I look good too! That’s why my advice for you is to work on the parts that make you insecure.
You said you have complexion issues. Try going to a salon regularly to have your blackheads removed. You said you have body acne. Try seeing a dermatologist to prescribe you something against it. And so on.. try fixing the issues that bother you. I think by working on them you will feel empowered and who knows, maybe one day you will find yourself prettier than her. 🙂
Because in the end, it’s not how your boyfriend feels about her, it’s how you feel about yourself.
Post # 6
Just letting you know, you bet there are things your friend is insecure about. No matter how perfect she seems
Post # 7
Bee, I get it. I have long-standing issues with feeling insecure about my body thanks to a mom who always made me feel like shit. It takes effort to not constantly compare myself to other women, and it’s something I have to work at each and every day.
I 1000% agree with PPs who have suggested working on accepting that there will ALWAYS be people who are hotter than you, smarter than you, more athletic than you, etc. The thing is, they’re not *you* — the complete package of *you* is something that’s yours and yours alone, and it’s that package that your fiancé loves and adores.
I mean, think about it from his perspective. If he had a super hot dude friend, would you be thinking “dang I need to dump him so that I can go after that guy.” My guess is no, you love your fiancé for all that he is, beyond just how he looks. (And if the answer is yes, he’s probably not the guy for you…)
I’m not entirely sure if I agree or disagree with the PP who suggested changing aspects of yourself to match the features of this friend you’re jealous of…. I think there is 10000% no need for you to physically change anything. From my own experience, the biggest battle when you struggle with insecurities is changing your own perspective, and that comes from within. Changing yourself to look more like someone else is not something you (or anyone else) needs to do, and it’s more of a bandaid than a cure. However, I do think that if there are things we can easily do to make us feel prettier or more confident, then by all means, go for it. But only if you truly want to.
Post # 8
I have always been the fat, less attractive friend. And you know what – it’s never stopped me from having a pretty darn good life. I love my husband to bits and he loves me but we both know we’re not the most beautiful couple on this planet. There are lots of other men I find more attractive and I’m pretty sure that if it was only about looks, he might prefer somebody else, too. But that’s not why we got together and not why we married. Sure, we’re attracted to each other physically, but our personality, values, humour etc are what made this relationship work. And those characteristics are what make him beautiful to me.
So, if your boyfriend says you’re the most beautiful person to him, he MIGHT really only be talking about your looks but maybe he’s also talking about what a beautiful human being YOU ARE. And I’m sure you are wonderful and amazing and worthy of love. So accept his <3
Post # 9
This thread is so helpful. I struggle with this a lot, too.
Just wanted to say thanks for having the courage to post this, and thanks to everyone who responded. ❤️
Post # 10
I was always the weird-looking one in my group of friends, the one who guys would literally shudder at the thought of dating (God, kids are assholes). Then, miraculously, someone appreciated me for my weirdness and actually found it beautiful, therefore helping me to do so as well. He had a more creative way of looking at women than “hey, she’s hot, she looks like a model”. That is such a two-dimensional compliment, and honestly not much of one to start with. Not only is it insulting to the girl you’re with, it’s offensive to the woman in question. I’m sure your friend prefers to be valued for things other than her looks, and that she really doesn’t appreciate being ogled either. Being “super hot” has insecurities associated with it too.
Your exes sound like they had a real lack of….depth. It sounds like your F H is shaping up to be a far worthier specimen :).
Post # 11
Just remember that the way you feel about your friend could very well be the way another one of your friends feels about you. 🙂
Post # 12
No matter how beautiful you are, there are always going to be lots of people who are more beautiful than you or more attentive in different ways. But your friend being as gorgeous as she is doesn’t make you any more or less beautiful, or any more or less attractive to your FH. He is obviously attracted to you for many reasons, your appearance only being a small portion of that.
It wasn’t cool of your exes to talk about how hot your friend is in front of you. They knew what they were doing and there is a reason they are exes.
I know it’s hard not to compare yourself, but you seem to be a level headed person. You know that there insecurities aren’t helpful and that there is no good that comes out of comparing yourself to her.
Post # 13
Been there, done that. I had a hot friend. We arent friends now but not because of her looks but cause she is bat shit cray cray.
I always felt like I was running behind her. Not to say Im a dog or anything but I am pretty plain jane. Everytime we went out guys swarmed her and I basically had to sit through a litany of compliments from every guy in the vicinity telling how gorgeous she was. What I learned from those interactions was that the only guys interested in her were as superficial as she was. They werent commitment material. Had another girl walked in that was as pretty as she was, they would have been off to see that girl.
Please dont misunderstand, I am not slamming anyone for their looks, but looks arent everything. We all age and we all lose our looks eventually. There is more to people than the way they look. Im a huge proponent of getting to know people based on their personalities and their values.
There is always going to be someone who is prettier than you or me and everyone else. We all have to deal with that.
Post # 14
I had a gorgeous friend, and I have actually seen this happen:
There wasn’t anything I could do about it. If guys actually approached her, she would shoot them down so bad it was a joy to see.
I am realistic about my looks, so it wasn’t an issue.
Post # 15
loz24 : Makes me super uncomfortable how before him and his friend talking about how gorgeous his 1st ex was. He has mentioned her several times, but I got pretty upset the last time he mentioned her and he hasn’t since. Like his friend would say how every drooled over her and FH did nothing to stop the convo. The time I got extremely upset was when he said “what guy wouldn’t date her”.
This and the fact that guys who were dating me we so taken by her as well.