(Closed) Always talk through problems, and enter your marriage with full commitment. :(

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
23585 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@TooExcited: 🙁  Poor John!  I think it’s so easy to get caught up in wanting to get married and wear a pretty dress and ring, etc.  It’s true, the advice he gave – never go to bed angry, always sort through problems, no matter how small it is.  So far it’s working for us over here!

Post # 19
Member
1447 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m also surprised she backed out like that after the pre-marital counseling I know couples receive in RCC.  I also agree that John can get an annulment.  It’s probably something he could discuss with his priest (or the priest who married them).

What a terrible situation though!  Relationships are hard enough, and both men and women are guilty of doing stupid/hurtful things, but I feel it’s hard enough these days to find men who are willing to commit to marriage, and women who bail like this don’t make it any easier for the rest of us who are waiting!

It could be there were signs that John didn’t see, but that doesn’t make any excuse for her not talking to him or not communicating with him now.

Post # 21
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ouch! I am so sorry to hear about these two. I do, however think, that John is not without fault.

My Mother-In-Law walked out on my Father-In-Law over 11 years ago. He thinks in the same terms as John. He doesn’t see where he went wrong and also does not believe in divorce. However, he was VERY ABUSIVE (verbally, physically, emotionally) and though I don’t think John may be that bad, but my Father-In-Law didn’t see his fault in this AT ALL. He blamed Mother-In-Law for provoking him, (which she DID) but he put the entire blame on her and/or their kids.

And vice-versa from Mother-In-Law who doesn’t think she provoked him (by nagging, not working, spending all his mediocre cash, belittling him/his family, cursing the life ‘he gave her’, full on verbal diarrhea, etc.) And she also blames him for the abuse and the kids and not herself at all.

Both are playing the victim card.

So whatever John is going through is HIS problem only. Not yours. If you do not raise your voice at your Fiance and vice-versa does not mean you will have problems later or that you are keeping things to yourselves. Don’t let John’s words scare you. Smile

Post # 22
Member
6496 posts
Bee Keeper

It surprises me the number of people who do rush into marriage; I personally would not have considered marrying my OH if we hadn’t been together long enough (for me, it’d be a minimum of 3 years; as it was, we got engaged after 5.5 years and will have been together 8 or 9 years by the time we marry). I don’t understand people who rush into marriage after a few months or a year together; yes, it can work out; equally, what is the rush? Why not get past that hoenymoon period and make sure your relationship will withstand the test of time?

I’m also sceptical of couples who have never ever had a disagreement or encountered any issues, as I think these things really test a relationship, and I think it is very very rare for 2 people to never disagree. Now my OH and I don’t argue often; in fact, it’s very occasional (unless I’m hormonal.. ahem..!). But we have had disagreements and the fact that we have been able to handle those together as a couple, and reach a compromise, tells me that we are equipped to deal with marriage. We have also dealt with some very difficult things, such as my diagnosis of endo, 2 operations, and chronic pain, his mum being hospitalised for 3 months, his uncle dying 6 months into our relationship, etc. Again, we’ve come through these things stronger, so again I feel confident that we can handle pretty much anything life throws at us.

It sounds like this couple rushed into things with rose-tinted specs; and in very few instances will that work long-term. That said, I think his warnings are largely common sense; my OH and I talked about marriage, as well as other big issues, at length well before we got engaged.

Also, I personally do not think marriage HAS to be for life. No before people jump on me for saying that, we are no longer living in a time when a woman was her father and then husband’s property; people now have the option of divorce if they need it. Does that mean people should enter into marriage lightly? Of course not. But I think that in this day and age it is naive to enter into marriage assuming that it will definitely be for life, or being determined that it WILL be, irrespective of what life throws at you. I love my OH, and vice versa: right now, we are totally right for each other, and we firmly believe that in 10, 20, 30 years time this will still be the case. But people can and do change. People can and do fall out of love. What is working for us now, might not in 40 years time. We could grow apart. To me, that is not a cynical outlook, but a realistic one. And if a time ever came that we no longer felt the same way about each other, I do hope we wouldn’t flog a dead horse and woudl admit defeat. So I disagree with him that marriage has to be forever, and this to me demonstrates a certain naivety on his part, and is perhaps one of the reasons this marriage did not work.

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