(Closed) always the bridesmaid….

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I keep waiting?
    Yes : (9 votes)
    36 %
    No : (16 votes)
    64 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    81 posts
    Worker bee

    I’m in a similar boat. We’re high school sweethearts, been dating for a decade and although he says he can’t live without me, talking about the future is not always easy. I say hang in there, but you should really let him know how you feel.

    Mr.Owl said once when we were arguing that I talk about weddings, future stuff, etc. with my friends and mom way more than I do with him. I realized that he was right. I have been slowly, naturally showing him some of my wedding wishes and sharing my thoughts with him about our future. Once Mr.Owl realized how much marriage means to me, he has been much more open to discuss (especially recently).

    It’s natural to feel jealous and sad, but chin up! If he’s worth it, hang in there. And be honest! It’s no good to feel like your needs are unmet and he needs to hear you express that more/more often/in more detail til he gets it through that thick head.

    In the meantime, the ladies on the Bee are here for you.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1927 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think you should talk to him and at the very least try to see if he has a timeline. Ask him where he sees you two in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. I think if he can at least give you a time line that will help you out a lot.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3295 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    9 years is a long time… i dont think i could wait that long but thats just me. you two need to talk… tell him you want a timeline.

    Post # 6
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Awww! I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would say that has got to be tough to wait around that long for someone to committ to you, but we all do crazy things when we are in love even if that means being extremellllly patient while waiting for him. You should maybe reevaluate some things here. Talk to him about it, and let him know that he is breaking your heart by not being willing to commit after such a long time together. Let him know what you deserve: a guy who will show his love though marriage to you. He is old enough to not be one of those young guys that still needs to “sow his wild oats” or whatever. And if he truly isn’t willing to commit to you after that, maybe you should really consider finding someone who is. I know that is really tough and probably even painful to think about. But think about how much pain you are going through now waiting. Is it worth it?

    Post # 7
    Member
    6248 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 1900

    Wow girl, you have patience!  Nine years is a crazy long time! 

    Post # 8
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    That is quite some time to be emotionally committed to someone without the outward showing of that commitment.  I would probably ask for a timeline, as stephanie suggested.

    Post # 9
    Member
    504 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    That’s a really long time to be with someone who won’t move forward in the relationship. I think a long talk is definitely in order. Tell your bf exactly how you feel. I wouldn’t, however, give him another ultimatum. I say that because if you’ve already said you probably won’t leave him so another deadline is not going to do much good. He won’t take you seriously and you’ll still be sitting there frustrated and waiting. And at this point I know a ring is all you’re wanting but I think a ring and date would make it more solidified. Good luck to you!

    Post # 11
    Member
    1088 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    This is a sensitive subject; but, if it were ME, I would leave. Someone who isn’t committed enough for marriage is not good enough. You guys are not on the same page.

    Post # 12
    Member
    322 posts
    Helper bee

    I think you need to decide personally and on your own (i.e. without him) how important marriage is for you. What if he decides he doesn’t ever want to get married but will still stay with you forever? Is that enough for you? The important thing is, whatever you decide, you have to stick with it. I know how hard that is, trust me, I’m no good at it either. But I know it is important and something I’m working on. Giving him an ultimatum, having that come and go without you doing anything about it doesn’t help the situation at all. In fact I believe it hurts it because it proves to him that he can do whatever and you’ll still stick by him. Men resistant to change often don’t change unless the status quo changes. You have lived with him for 5 years and already act like his wife. He knows you won’t leave, you proved that when you didn’t follow through with your ultimatum (again, NOT judging, just trying to point out the facts) so why would he make that commitment to you if he doesn’t have to? The obvious answer should be “because he loves you and should want to make you happy and solidify your life together” but some (maybe a lot?) guys don’t work like that. They will put off that ultimate commitment as long as they can. If they know they have you no matter what, they will continue to put it off until you give them a reason not to…

    Post # 13
    Member
    3943 posts
    Honey bee

    I think you need to talk to him and find out what the hold up. Is he nervous or is it a money issue?

    Post # 14
    Member
    2829 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Nine years is a long time. Has he ever been willing to discuss marriage or why he wants to wait (aside from downpayment on a house)? Does he have a family history of poor marriages or divorce?

    My partner basically thinks that marriage is a curse. He has said as much. He is absolutely convinced that marriages do. not. work. period. And that even perfectly compatible, happy couples can & will fail IF they choose to get married (he comes from a ‘broken’ home though, so I can understand where the mentality comes from).

    Idek what to say exactly, because it is hard to guess what his reaction would be if you were even going to pony up and play a role reversal on him and propose to him. Really tough spot.

    I would definitely ask him if owning a home would change his stance. If there are certain things you want in life (marriage, kids, etc) you should be able to pursue them confidently. Sure you’re always going to have to compromise on things in a relationship, but compromise goes both ways.

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    2077 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Jewelz84:  You can ask all of the ladies-in-waiting here (I was one once), this is such a difficult thing to go through.  When I was (not so) patiently waiting for my Fiance to propose, I finally had told him, “Hey.  We’ve been dating 4 years.  If you don’t ask me in 6 months, I’m gonna ask you…and I mean it!”  I was totally serious, and he knew it.  There are lots of different views in the hive about setting timelines and having ultimatums, but it’s really what worked to light the fire under my FI’s butt.  We both knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, it just took the push of, “If you don’t do it, I’m going to,” to get his gears going.

    Now that you’ve set so many ultimatums and haven’t stuck to them, he might think any new threats aren’t to be taken seriously either.  I’d suggest to sit him down and talk to him about how it makes you feel, why you have invested 9 years into your relationship, why you’re ready to move forward, and what you love about him.  He’s comfortable with where your relationship is at now, tell him why YOU aren’t.

    Good luck, Jewelz.  🙂

    Post # 16
    Member
    4547 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @mc77: I ditto a lot of what you said.

    OP, you need to decide if not being married ever and just staying together would be something acceptable to you. We have some relatives who have this arrangement and three kids and it works for them. It’s not for everyone, but it CAN work. If you decide that marriage is something that you want then you need to set a firm timeline and stick to it. Both of you setting timelines and then doing nothing when they fly by does nothing but hurt things. He sounds comfortable with the way things are, honestly, and 9 years should be more than enough time to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or not. I would have a serious talk with him after you figure out what you want and discuss where you both stand. Figure out what’s holding him back and figure out what it is you both want/need in the relationship.  However, if you implement a timeline, you need to be prepared to stick to it. Otherwise, your boyfriend will see that you don’t mean what you say and he’ll keep dragging his feet.

    The topic ‘always the bridesmaid….’ is closed to new replies.

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