Am being an impatient brat?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Notice how men are perfectly happy to throw out old traditions and values – such as waiting until marriage to live together or have sex — but they love the tradition that puts them in charge of proposing marriage. And a woman’s role is to “wait” patiently until he makes that move.

It’s bull! You have just as much right to push for a decision on the question of marriage as he does. Your concerns about children and timelines for having them are valid.  

Post # 3
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You say you don’t want an expensive ring but are concerned it will take years to save for it.  You say all you want is to be married and start a family but it’s going to take a year to plan a wedding. You say you’ve talked about a small destination wedding but his family expects a 50k elaborate event. 

If you are as contradictory in your communication with him as you are in your OP then Im not surprised he’s unsure what the priorities are.  I think you need to decide what it is you really want then have a concrete conversation with him so the 2 of you can form a timeline.  Cuz here’s the thing…if you really only want to be married and start a family, you can make that happen in a matter of days.  You dont need a ring or a big white dress or a fancy venue or a trip. 

If, on the other hand, you really do want an expensive ring that’s going to take years to save for and a wedding with all the trimmings then you are going to have to accept that your ttc timeline is too tight to accommodate all that and adjust accordingly.  

Post # 5
Member
1185 posts
Bumble bee

You need to have a serious conversation with your boyfriend, establish what the priorities are for both of you and make decisions based on that.

You don’t ‘need’ a year to get married.  I don’t know what the regs are in your country, but in most places, you only need to give a few days or weeks notice at most to get married.  Over here, you have to give a month’s notice, and the fees work out at about 200.  If you want a big wedding, then that obviously will take longer to plan AND to pay for, but that is a ‘want’ not a ‘need’.

If you’re about to turn 33 and want a baby by 35, then you haven’t got time for the big wedding anyway.  Bearing in mind how long it takes from conception to delivery and that you’re unlikely to conceive as soon as you start trying, you need to be getting married in the next 6 months or so if you want to have a good chance of keeping to your timeline.  Especially if you want 3 kids by 40!

So have the conversation with him and see if your wishes are compatible.  If not, you have to choose either to compromise or to walk away.

Post # 6
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
@saltybee123:  I’m not sure where you live and what the state of covid is there, but if you were to get engaged soon and start planning a destination wedding, my fear is that with people traveling from multiple places to your wedding, there may still be restrictions in place by then that will make it difficult. 

I’d use covid as a very convenient excuse to have a beautiful destination elopement and then plan a big reception with family when it’s safe to do so. That should be far enough out that everyone can make appropriate travel plans.

You could also start TTC much sooner that way. 

If the ring you want isn’t that expensive, but still isn’t within your boyfriends budget, are you able to chip in?  

These are all just thoughts, Bee… but you have a fast-approaching TTC deadline, and you’ll need to figure out a compromise with your boyfriend if you want everything to move quickly. 

Post # 9
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

His current financial situation is a red flag and I am not saying he is completely to blame, I understand the covid economic effect but him supporting his father seems to feed into his acceptance of his family’s view of what a wedding should be. Where are you in all that and how does that affect their expectations as you move forward as a married couple? 

To answer your question no you are not an impatient brat, you are a 32 year old woman sensibly charting out your timeline to become a mother. 

Post # 10
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

It’s so interesting to me that his family expects a large and expensive wedding, but he is essentially having to support his father. 

Post # 11
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

I am concerned about a couple of things, particularly given your age of 32, which does not give you a great deal of time to start and complete a family, especially if you run into any fertility problems.

The first thing I am concerned about is whether your boyfriend is as anxious to get married as you are.  it seems to me that if he were, he certainly would have started saving for your ring by now.

The second thing that concerns me even much more is the fact that he has all his own financial obligations plus all the expenses connected with the property that he bought for his father.  And from what you say, he spends every penny he makes and never saves any money.  This is in spite of his having a well-paying job.  This could present a huge problem in a marriage and family scenario, given the fact that it is very, VERY expensive to raise children.

I think that if you are both truly committed to marriage and then starting a family right away, your priorities should be:  Get financial ducks in a row; get an inexpensive engagement ring (for which there are many possibilities); skip the big complicated wedding which will take a year to pull off; and get married soon.  I realize that this would result in not being able to invite a lot of people that you both may want to invite.  But we just can’t always have everything.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do, Bee!

 

Post # 12
Member
7774 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@saltybee123:  You don’t need an engagement ring to get married. You can elope and put a wedding band on and be done with it all. Covid has provided the best excuse for anyone hoping to avoid a big, expensive wedding. 

View original reply
@bouviebee: suggested a great plan. If he balks at eloping you’ll have to dig deeper to learn if he isn’t ready or doesn’t want to get married. 

Post # 13
Member
2541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It seems he has a convenient answer for all of your concerns regarding marriage, wants to be so traditional, but does not appose children before marriage?  

This is a common thread and it’s also common that the male in the relationship to be a few years younger in this situation. Have you ever asked him how old he expects to be when he has his first child?  He just doesn’t sound like he’s ready to settle down if he’s not at all budgeting for the future.

Post # 14
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee

Not being able to save “anything” for potentially years is a red flag bee. Forget the $50k wedding idea… How are you going to TTC and have kids in the next couple years if you can’t save any money? I’m not someone who believes you need to own a beautiful big house with all the bells and whistles before having kids (we are expecting #2 in a few months and still renting), but you do need savings for emergencies at the bare minimum… not to mention childcare, health care expenses (if you’re in the US), etc. 

 

I also strongly strongly agree with pp who pointed out the hypocrisy of him being “traditional and old fashioned” when it comes to the ring–something you don’t even care about, but which conveniently gives him control over the timeline for engagement– yet more than happy to live together indefinitely before engagement. I have no problems with living together before marriage but if you do that, sorry, you don’t get to pull the “I’m traditional” card to justify stalling on engagement. 

Sorry to sound like a downer. I just think y’all have some big things to work through and compromise on. I hope you’re able to do that! 

Post # 15
Member
5149 posts
Bee Keeper

Yet another bee who has been brainwashed to believe that her very valid concerns make her an impatient  brat.

Well they don’t. 

And as others have mentioned, “traditional” is bs. If you’re living together and having sex, that’s not traditional, and he’s perfectly happy to do either one of these things. Talk to him and lay out your concerns. Dont apologize for having them, that just plays into the “men get to decide the course and parameters of the relationship” game. Be honest and forthright and encourage him to be the same. Then listen to what he says. If after listening you feel that engagement isn’t on your boyfriend’s radar for a long time, if ever, leave.

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