Am being an impatient brat?

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

How are you going to afford kids if he can’t even save ‘any’ money at the end of each pay cheque? 

Post # 17
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

to answer your question, yes you are wasting your 30s. He can’t save, you’re at least a year out from a wedding if you announced your intentions today, etc.  Something has to give.  The easiest things to budge are your wedding expectations and his financial commitments. 
1- elope without a special ring he paid for  (blame covid)

2- move dad to a cheaper setup.

If you’re both not on board for either of these two, you won’t be able to have the family you want on your timeline. It’s time to make plans that align with your realities instead of your preferences.

Post # 18
Member
2040 posts
Buzzing bee

You’re not being an impatient brat. You are gaslighting yourself into typical misogynistic idiocies to avoid the truth of the matter: he either doesn’t want to marry you or he’s a clueless dunderhead who still doesn’t grasp the urgency despite you telling him multiple times 

Neither bodes well for your future.

I think you are being the opposite of an impatient brat- you are coming off as a passive doormat who is wasting her remaining fertile years on a financially unstable project that is unlikely to pay off any time soon. Not a good prospect for marriage or children 

And FFS he is NOT traditional in any sense of the word so he can stop hiding behind that bullshit excuse.

Tell him the “traditional” ship sailed the day you two moved in together so you want to forego any and all tradition and get engaged without the pomp and circumstance 

Post # 19
Member
2040 posts
Buzzing bee

And if you want to have more than one child and be down by 40 and be married before children then something has to give here. 

Your kids timeline doesn’t work with having a traditional big wedding a year out. You say you don’t need a big wedding but you want your overseas family to be able to come which will take time to save for their travel which would probably take a year.

It sounds like that isn’t going to work then

Im sorry but you can’t have it all at this point- you either have your immediate family from overseas come in a year from now and sacrifice your TTC timeline or you forego a wedding and go to the courthouse and start TTC on your original timeline or even sooner. You can’t have it both ways.

This is also where he needs to compromise with you. He needs to forego the traditional crap and understand that you don’t have time for that. He needs to sacrifice too because unfortunately you are on a tight timeline.

Youve waited long enough. Sit down with him and hash this out today.

If he loves you and wants to marry you then you will work it out and make sacrifices and compromises so you can get married one way or another and start TTC in a reasonable timeline 

If he truly doesn’t want to marry you then you can move on. But please stop waiting around. This is your life and you are entitled to getting clarity on where it’s going 

Post # 20
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

He’s untraditional enough to be ok with living with you, having sex with you, having kids before marriage but he’s too traditional to let you pitch in for the ring?

That’s BS and you know it. Men and their traditions when they suit them.

From your bf’s reactions, he’s not on the same page as you. He’s 30. That’s old enough to be thinking long term.

You need to make a clear, specific timeline for engagement and marriage. You also need to make a budget. But his lack of savings and financial entanglement with his father are red flags. 

Post # 21
Member
601 posts
Busy bee

First off, a women is never a brat or anything negative for wanting to get married. Men don’t get all the say, and giving them all the say is a sexist notion. Second, with covid, large and international weddings may be off the table anyway for a while. New Zealand has released that they aren’t accepting any international travels until the world is 70% vaccinated, and I think a lot of countries are going to do the same. Don’t wait until you can have a huge celebration, it’s not worth it at this time. Also, marriage is more than a ring and a wedding and spending tons of money. He needs to get on board with that, otherwise, he is doing you a major disservice by wasting your time. 

 

Also, moving towards marriage in a relationship should be easy. A recurring pattern I see on these boards is that the women feels like a nag and the man has all the power. F*ck that. You have power too. You aren’t a brat, you aren’t a nag. You are a perfectly respectable woman with reasonable exepections in a serious relationship.

Post # 22
Member
1799 posts
Buzzing bee

Have you posted here before? I feel like I’ve read this before…

Post # 23
Member
10293 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@saltybee123:  

‘Brat’ typically means a spoiled child and is a singularly inappropriate term  for you to be calling yourself. But, are you really expecting an expensive ring , a huge wedding and three children before 40 with a man who is lukewarm on marriage, pulls the old “but l’m so traditional” bs while living with all the benefits of a non traditional life? 

As others have said, Covid19 is a terrible thing, but a perfect and legitimate reason for having a tiny wedding and a delayed large celebration. In any case, you are being quite unrealistic ( l would go so far as to say wrong) to want family to be flying in on international flights and attending big gatherings wherever you live in the world. 

l think you both need to re evaluate what you want and to align it with what is reasononable. 

Post # 25
Member
784 posts
Busy bee

That’s a great update bee.

I feel like this board can sometimes be extra harsh. I absolutely believe women can and should be involved in engagement timelines and planning, but I also understand that some guys may still want a semi surprise factor. I’m not a virgin and I still want a white dress.

I generally have a bit more sympathy for some of these guys – I know they would like to get married, have kids, etc. but aren’t as soaked in the details as we are (maybe we pick it up from our friends/socializations). My boyfriend and I started talking about our timeline in October 2020. His comments were something along the lines of “Cool, so what is this ring going to cost? Like $1000? We’ll just go to the mall one night and you can tell me what you like.” Obviously that isn’t going to happen.

I let him know that I would like to go to a mall to try some on and get an idea for what I like (I think I have an idea – but what if it doesn’t look good on my finger?), and then probably order online – that’s going to take time. I kind of laid out that once you pick a ring you still might need 6-8 weeks to get it. This blew his mind. We also talked about cost, and I offered to chip in. He didn’t love that idea. We worked out a savings plan and he thought he would be good by May. Positive news – on our anniversary in January he told me he put aside a big chunk of his Christmas bonus, so we could look sooner.

He has told me he wants to get married June 2022. That’s great. I think he’ll probably propose in September, just based on our planned activities. Has he thought at all about how all the people pushing their weddings due to COVID will also want to get married in June 2022 will make venues and photographers scarce? Definitely not. I’ve honestly started getting quotes and a rough budget. I am basically pre-planning to be ready to start booking as soon as we get engaged. Our budget also has both of us starting to save for a wedding in May of this year (which again, I suggested).

Obviously it would be ideal if your partner had thought through the logistics of the proposal, but it sounds like he is committed to spending his life with you. I bet he excels in a lot of things that aren’t necessarily wedding planning related. 

 

Post # 26
Member
445 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@minnewanka:  Totally agree.

That’s why it’s so important to have very direct conversations (like you did OP). Some guys are manipulative turds and will use “traditional” things like saving for a ring etc. as a convenient way to keep you on the hook and delay things indefinitely. Other times, they’re just bloody clueless and haven’t bothered to actually think through all the details. 

So glad things worked out for you and you’ve come up with a plan! Probably a good idea to talk about your finances too and sort out a savings plan. 

Post # 27
Member
10293 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@saltybee123:  

Good update. I am pleased for you, now don’t fall back into the habit of calling yourself negative names when you are being assertive and/or proactive ! 

Post # 28
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

View original reply
@saltybee123:  Glad to hear your update! I hope your have a lovely, intimate wedding day. 

IMO the next step is to sit down and look at your joint finances as a household…if you’re getting married and having a kid, you should each understand exactly how much money each of you earns, and where the money is going, and have a joint savings/expense plan. 

Post # 29
Member
21 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@minnewanka:  I feel you on the Covid and 2022 wedding front. My boyfriend wanted to get married in 2021 but because of Covid, there were so few vendors so we’re doing 2022 now. Even planning this far out, we’ve had quite a few vendors who are full for our date :/ I’d suggest starting to book vendors now if you can because that will make it all the less stressful once you’re engaged.

Post # 30
Member
954 posts
Busy bee

If you both have discussed timelines like you said, then someone is not keeping to their timeline. Either he lied about the deadline or you didn’t keep your word about him meeting the deadline. Which when is it? Something needs to be done about the non commitment of the timeline. It does not seem like either of you are taking the relationship serious

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