(Closed) Am I a bad friend?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I go through this same kind of emotions with one of my girlfriends. I just get emotionally exhausted from listening to the same issue over and over, offering the same advice over and over, having her not listen at all, rinse and repeat monthly. Ugh. I’ll admit that I mentally checked out after a while. It’s hard to be the sounding board constantly and feel like the friendship is one sided for the most part. I don’t think it means you’re a bad friend, I think it means you’re human!

Post # 4
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think that you can be “there for her” in ways other than just listening to her vent. Why don’t you take her bowling or hiking or something? Then you can listen to her while you do something else (less painful for you), she’ll get out of the house (better for her), and she’s (maybe?) less likely to vent about personal stuff in public (again, better for you).

But yeah, it’s only human to (as Bakerella said) “zone out” sometimes. I think you should be there for the people you care about in their time of need, which sometimes means listening to them cry for hours, and sometimes actually does mean telling them to get themselves together.

Post # 5
Member
7387 posts
Busy Beekeeper

The older I get the less tolerance for B.S. I now have a three times rule. You can tell me about  an issue up to three times, in whatever configuration you want, after that its a wrap. If you not moving forward in some kinda way, I’m not trying to hear it. So no your not bad friend, you simply reached your limits.

Post # 6
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Invite her over to vent and make her help you with invitations while she complains Wink

 

Post # 7
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’ve had friends like this too, that are always having silly problems or turning conversations around to themselves every time we talk.  It can be exhausting!  I don’t think you are a bad friend.  The fact that you still want to be there for her despite her exhausting behaviour proves you to be a good friend.  Just try your best to keep supporting her, and take breaks when you need them.

Post # 8
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ

@Brianalaura: I completely agree! 🙂

Post # 10
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m afraid I can be like your friend sometimes 🙁 When that happens with me it’s usually because I’m losing control of my anxiety disorder. Whatever I’m worried about takes over my brain and it’s all I can talk about, think about… I analyze things to death and go over the same topics and questions over and over again. I know it’s tiring for my friends and for Fiance because they give me good rational advice/solutions to my problems… but it doesn’t help because when in anxiety mode my brain discounts rational perspectives.

Luckily I got to see a great doctor, so this doesn’t happen that much any more because I know some tricks to use to calm my brain down.

Could she maybe be struggling with a disorder and not even realize it? Just a suggestion.

Post # 11
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Have you tried talking to to your friend about her conversation highjacking ways? I know that would be an incredibly difficult conversation, and would have to be approached extremely delicately and with care, but she may not even realize she’s doing it. If you told her, she might get upset, but maybe she’d start to think about it more and realize when she’s doing it, and maybe stop doing it as much.

Post # 12
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Lately I’ve been having the same feelings about one of my friends. She used to be really fun to hang out and be goofy with, but she seems to be going through some kind of crisis about being single. Now all she wants to talk about are her problems, her issues, her wants. Namely, she wants to talk about the guys she’s kinda sorta seeing, the guys she wants to be seeing, and the guys who she saw but weren’t up to her standards.

When I saw her this weekend, she did the same thing as your friend. I sat there and listened while she recited word for word, all the text-message conversations she’s ever had with this guy who recently dumped her. I dutifully restrained myself from slapping her silly every time she asked, “What does it MEAN?” It was exhausting.

This is how I dealt with it… I gave her one full night to vent away. She had hours and hours to rehash and over-analyze the same insignificant, trivial little details again and again. I did my best to be sympathetic and attentive to her woes. Then the next night, when she tried to bring up the subject of her fixation again five minutes into meeting me, I asked her point blank, “Why are we still talking about him?” She had no good answer for that, and didn’t mention him again for the rest of the evening.

It’s tough love, but remember that giving your friend a reality check and not allowing her to dwell pointlessly on her negative feelings, or to waste her energy with questions that have no answers, is actually part of being a GOOD friend. If she has a tendency to wallow, she needs a friend who knows when to let her vent and when to tell her she’s had enough and it’s time to snap out of it.

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