(Closed) Am I a bad MOH… or is she a bad bride?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would definitely speak up about the shower. If you are paying for it, you definitely should have a say in the location and at least a guest list limit (but maybe not the actual list). I think it’s odd that she won’t tell you the venue, it has to show up on invitations eventually. 

I think every bride is different and some use bridesmaids for more help than just the day of the wedding. 

Post # 4
46646 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just as there are no bad children, only bad behavior, neither one of you are bad.

You just seem to have different exppectations. Have a heart to heart with her and let her know you really want to help. She may be going out of her way NOt to ask you to do things, given your past experiences.

Post # 5
3501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2002

definitely tell her how youve been feeling!

Post # 6
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

The shower thing is odd. If you are paying, you should be at least helping to plan it. I’d be furious. That aside, even if I wasn’t asking advice, I was sharing all, or at least most, of my wedding planning with my sisters and close friends. My sisters were my BMs. I think you are fine, it’s the bride who’s being weird. 

Post # 8
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If she is your BFF as you say, then bring up how you are feeling left out and would like to know more, help out, etc.

I WISH i had a Bridesmaid or Best Man like you, my girls don’t want to talk to me about stuff very much. They’re all like, it’s in the summer- so far away! lol!

Post # 9
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

She may very well feel afraid to burden you with wedding stuff.  That’s how I am.  None of my BMs know anything other than the location and date of our wedding, really.  I don’t ask them for help and they don’t offer.  I’d say, if I were you, I’d offer to help her with things. 

Post # 10
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Hey there. I just wanna say that I’m a bride, and I haven’t really included my MoH in a whole lot of the leg work. I’ve asked her opinion here and there, emailed her pictures…etc. But I kinda worry about inconviniencing her and also I rather she didn’t know every detail about what i’m spending so I didn’t invite her to go look at venues, and I think the last thing would be that I feel like I can completley lose it in front of my mom…but not my MoH. I hope this helps.

I still want my MoH to be a big part of my day. But I find myself wanting privacy much of the time. I thought it would be fun to invite her to my first fitting but now I’m worried she won’t like my dress until it fits me right. LOL..I guess I worry way too much.  I also want an element of surprise for the entire wedding party. I want them to be amazed at all I did and not feel like they had to help me step by step.

Maybe it’s wrong..maybe I’m being silly not including her and not asking her to do much more than plan a party or two. I still need her support as a friend. She’s who I cry to if the wedding stuff gets overwhelming. 

Just let her know your there for her.

Post # 11
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

LOL I had to double check where you were from to make sure this was not one of my bridesmaids, writing. I am a bride who is guilty of pretty much everything you are talking about. My bridesmaids have not been in on any of my decisions, and I honestly prefer it that way. It isn’t personal. I just want things the way I want them without someone else giving me their two cents. My Future Sister-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law have already offered to throw me a shower, which suits me fine. So, sadly, my bridesmaids are out of the loop on that, too. All I need them to do, is show up to the rehearsal and wedding, dressed in the right clothes, and stand by me at the wedding.

Post # 12
4770 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

One thing is clear, you’re not paying for the shower if you’re not organizing it!  So you go ahead and tell her that.

I didn’t include my BMs too much in choosing things, mainly casue I didn’t want to be a bother, so maybe she thinks she’s doing you a favor.

It kinda seems like she wants to use you as a free ATM, so you need to stand up for yourself.

Post # 13
246 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree with Atalanta. You are paying for the shower, your input is required. Ask her to be involved.

I am finding that I am not really sharing many of my wedding ideas with my bms or Maid/Matron of Honor. We all have different styles, ideas and visions for our dream wedding, and they vary tremendously.  I have been discussing all the details, with my mom and sis-in-law, who have similar tastes. 

As for my shower, my mother is spilting the bill with my Future Father-In-Law. There won’t really be much for the BMs to do prior to that. 

Post # 14
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

The shower thing is weird, since you ae paying, and not sharing details.  But, maybe she wants to just do things on her own.  When I was planning, my Maid/Matron of Honor and a few BM’s asked me repeatedly what they could do to help.  My response was always, nothing, I was handling it (because I was and I’m the type that liked to do things myself).  I did, however, at least talk about things with them, if nothing else but to have someone else share the excitement with me.  You should probably talk to her about it, just to at least let her know that you’re willing to help even to just have ideas bounced off of.

Post # 15
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m a bride who has requested nothing of her bridesmaids/MOH.  In fact, I pretty much planned my bachelorette and shower down to the vendors before I even asked them to be my ladies.  So far I’ve only really encorporated them in the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress decision.

Post # 16
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

 Just let her do her own thing, she will ask for help when she needs it. That is how I was. I didn’t want my Maid/Matron of Honor to feel like I was taking advantage of her. Like you she had been Maid/Matron of Honor a few times before and got burned.

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