Post # 1
Ok, this is going to sound really Bride Wars (the movie)…. but one of my best friends just got engaged. I got engaged in Oct. She got engaged two weeks ago. I thought I could handle us both being brides-to-be, but it has been tough especiallly since our friends are making more of a big deal out of her wedding than mine. They are even throwing her and her fiance an engagement party, whereas we had to throw our own. I know she is not trying to "steal my moment" and I feel awful for even thinking this, but I am not entirely happy about the latest occurences. Am I a bad friend?? Have any of you ever been engaged at the same time as one of your closest friend? One of whom shares the same circle of friends as you?
Post # 3
I think it’s totally natural to feel this way. It’s important to realize that *nothing* about your friend’s wedding and/or wedding planning can take away from what a special day YOUR wedding will be.
And there are benefits, too — you guys can trade advice while you’re planning, and can cheer each other on when you hit a planning slump. Since it is what it is, the best thing to do is not to let it take away one ounce of happiness that you feel about your own wedding. You want to look back at this time with happy memories, not the kind of bad memories that fighting with friends can produce.
Hang in there! These feelings will pass, and both of your wedding days will be unique, memorable, and lovely.
Post # 4
You are not a bad person for feeling like you do. You would be a bad person if you acted on those feelings and were rude or outwardly angry!
I think it’s pretty common for tensions to arise between friends when one of them is getting married- I would imagine it would be worse if both were!
I have not had a friend plan at the same time as me. I have however had many friendships tested by a bride-to-be not being a very good friend during the planning time. I think a lot of us get pretty selfish and self-centered while planning. The wedding is a major event in our lives and we focus on it to the exclusion of other stuff. It’s hard to remember that just because your wedding is super important to you, it’s super important to everyone else.
I think you should vent and commiserate to your other friends and BMs (preferably ones that are not friends of the other bride so nothing can get back to her). Then just remind yourself that you don’t want this overlapping weddings thing destroy your frienship and hold your tongue.
Post # 5
Three of us got married last year and things worked out. My biggest concern was just the date of the wedding since I initially wanted to get hitched on 08-08-08. In any event, it’s okay to feel this way but I would try to let it go. Just remember it’s not a competition. Don’t let your ego distract you from planning the most important day of your life!
Also, since I was much more of a DIY bride than my counterparts, our circle of friends did much more planning with my other 2 friends. Perhaps your friends felt you had your act together and didn’t need an engagement party thrown for you, y’know?
Most importantly, good luck and congratulations on your engagement! 🙂
Post # 6
i totally understand and have it even worse. i was one of the first of my friends to get engaged back in 2007. my fiance and i decided on a long engagement. we are paying for our wedding ourselves and also planning a destination wedding so we wanted time to save up money, enjoy being engaged, and to plan at a reasonable pace. since then, TEN of my friends have gotten engaged and all but one of them is getting married before me. um, yeah, try as i might, i am definitely feeling some of the "thunder stolen" stuff. it makes me really sad that even though i got engaged "first" my wedding will be "just another wedding" by the time it rolls around. but you know what? you’ve got an amazing fiance, will have a wonderful wedding, and that’s about all you can control. good luck!
Post # 7
I agree with all the posters that said you are not a bad person for feeling that way, however, if you acted on it… that would be different. Just try to ignore it- you’re getting married and the only person’s excitement that should matter is yours. 🙂
Post # 8
I really feel for your situation Annie. I’ve felt that way before. Hang in there. I’m sorry about the friends. Are they in her wedding, but not yours?
Weddings bring up lots of stuff. Maybe they were jealous way back when you got the lead in the school play and they had to play second fairy on the left?? Or your guys is cuter? Is there something about the other friend’s relationship that maybe would logically cause this "bigger deal" like her Fiance also went to school with you all? Or he’s in the military, and she was white knuckling his tour in Iraq?
Good luck. Just work on making your own day really special.
Post # 9
Yes! One of my closest friends got engaged a month after I did. I was crazy with jealousy at first. I couldn’t get over feeling like this newly engaged period was my one chance to be the center of attention and now it was gone. I worried that my friends would make a bigger fuss over her (she and her fiancee had been together longer and they knew him better than they knew mine) and that I would feel really jealous and competitive, comparing every aspect of my wedding to hers. I felt that my thunder was completely stolen!
I had to console myself by telling myself that she was probably mad at me for getting engaged/married first (as I said, they’d been together for 5 years, my fiancee and I hadn’t even been together for one year yet), and that our weddings would be completely different, and there would only be a handful of mutual guests between our weddings so even if it so happened to be better only a few people would know.
So, no, you are definitely NOT a bad person and these feelings will probably pass once the newness of both your engagements has worn off.
Post # 10
You can’t help your feelings. What you can help is how you act on them. As long as you aren’t showing that you’re jealous, and you’re acting normal, you’re good to go!
Post # 11
Embrace it! My Maid/Matron of Honor, well she will be my Matron of Honor by the time my wedding happens (hers is in June, mine in October) and I love talking to her about wedding planning. We do nothing but share tips and advice and I couldn’t imagine her not being engaged at the same time as me, it has really made me very excited about her wedding and mine! I think you will be surprised that it will be a really fun experience for two friends to share 🙂
Post # 12
You are definetly not a bad person. You have every right to want to feel special on and leading up to the big and you want your friends especially to help celebrate this specialness. With that said, maybe you can gravitate to some friends that you and your engaged friend don’t share and get them more invovled in your planning process of have some people over for a girly wedding movie night and you can talk all about YOUR wedding 🙂
Post # 13
Thank you all soooo much for your replies!! It has helped me see things differently, regardless of how uncomfortable the situation has been.
Jules, you’re right, this is not a competition 🙂
lilikoi, thanks so much! I do have a wonderful fiance and I should focus on that as opposed to the discomfort being conjured up by my circle of friends over the double engagement.