(Closed) Am I a Bridezilla??

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I have been in an argument like this with my Maid/Matron of Honor, and neither of us have kids. The problem, this is a lose-lose argument. You both have valid points: agreeing to be an Maid/Matron of Honor means making time for the bride. And, if you are close enough to someone to be their Maid/Matron of Honor, it shouldn’t be hard, these should be things that you want to do. I’m guessing that it seems to you that you made reasonable requests, tried to give her a heads up in order to make it as easy as possible on her. The fact that she’s missed MANY things is making you upset.

But, you have to think, your friend is feeling the same way. She probably feels that she had a legitimate excuse for skipping out on everything. Because they were all legitimate excuses, she doesn’t see why that should upset you.

I will give you the advice I gave myself in a very similar situation with my Maid/Matron of Honor. You have to just drop it or risk ruining your friendship. No matter what you do, or how right you might be, you have to drop it. If you push it with her, it will just confirm in her mind that you ARE a bridezilla who doesn’t care about anything but your wedding – not even her own kid is more important than your wedding! You said your piece that you were upset, and that’s all you can do. Try to lean on your other bridesmaids, since they seem to be more understanding.

Post # 4
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

You’re definitely not being a Bridezilla for wanting to know the date! That’s just a Duh kind of thing. Of course you need to know.

As for the rest. I think you *really* need to actually talk to her. You’ve mentioned a lot of texts and e-mails, but not too much in actual conversations. Even picking up the phone would be good, meeting for coffee or something would be better. And the most important thing I can say is get over being mad before you talk to her. If you come into it with a lot of sympathy for how busy she is, instead of "well I’m busy too!" she’ll have a more positive response. You don’t want her to just get defensive. Explain that you really do understand that she has a lot on her plate with being a single mom and all, but you need her help.

You didn’t handle the dress fitting cancellation too well. She tried to be there, even tho something that is important to her was going on, and you were too angry at the cancellation to let her. I totally understand your reaction, I would have done the same thing more than likely. But from her point-of-view she made some kind of effort and got rejected. Was there really any reason both girls couldn’t have come? It probably hurt her feelings. Yes, yours were hurt first, but you won’t get anywhere by holding on to the hurt and fighting more. This is one situation where it sounds like she’s going to be immature and self-centered, and you’ll have to be the bigger person even tho that’s not really fair to you.

I’m very sorry she’s being this way! I know it’s frustrating and upsetting. I’m glad your other BM’s are being so great. And the bees are here to help! *hugs*

Post # 5
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Yikes.  First of all- you came to the right place to vent.  I think venting can help a lot.

Second- Apologize to your Maid/Matron of Honor if you upset her (even if you are justified in being hurt).  Then tell her that you miss seeing her, hearing from her, being able to chat with her, REGARDLESS of wedding stuff.  Maybe it’s hard for her, emotionally, to be invested in your wedding when she’s divorced and overwhelmed by being a single mom?

By avoiding talking about the wedding, and focusing on things that friends do together, you can avoid the bridezilla claim.  Because yes, she should be doing those things with you.  She should want to do those things- that’s why she agreed to be MOH!

Overall- it hurts to have a friend check-out of your life in general, not to mention when you are planning a wedding.

So maybe ask her when you can get together for dinner (or some other non-wedding related thing) so you can reconnect.  Perhaps nurturing your friendship will help her get on board with the wedding planning.

As for the bach party- just tell your girls that you appreciate your hard work and the last thing you want to happen is for you to ruin their planning by having to be out of town on business.

 

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Wow! I would so disagree with your MOH! That’s no where near a bridezilla.

She should have know that as a Maid/Matron of Honor you are SUPPOSE to be there and support the birde. She should have taken that inot consideration before asking you if she could be your Maid/Matron of Honor. I also don’t think she has a right to dump on you like that. It doesn’t sound like you haven’t tried to be understanding, so she shouldn’t have said that.

Secondly, I know its rather frustrating to have a friend that keeps backing out of things, but do you think you want to have to continue to deal with her? What happens when other things come up? Is she going to be supportive on your wedding day? Not that this should be taken lightly, but it maybe be something you might want to consider after wou weigh in everything that has been going on.

Asking for a specific date doesn’t warrant being called that either! I totally understand being busy! You don’t want to not be able to show up for pre wedding parties and showers so its logical to ask for a specific date.  Could you maybe tell the girls certain nights that you could do it? That way you have it narrowed down some?

 Good luck with everything!

Post # 8
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Ah yes… I know this delimma well.  You don’t have kids so you couldn’t possibly know how busy and important my life is.  I think someone already said it above, but there is no way you are going to "win" an argument on this issue.  Everyone’s life is equally important whether it involves kids or not.

The best approach is to actually call her and deal with the issue when you are not mad or prone to losing your temper.  You’re going to have to suck this up, and hear her frustrations out.  You’ll also need to discuss your feelings, but stick with "I feel" or "It really hurt my feelings." Apologize for what you need to apologize for (if there is anything), and assure her that there is nothing that you want more than to have her in your wedding.

Don’t get sucked in to the point by point arguments.  The essential issue is that you feel unsupported and she feels demands from you…  Acknowledge that both are valid feelings and then move on.  If she feels valued, it’s going to be really hard for her to stay angry.

It is amazing how when people feel listened to and validated, anger just dissipates.  You are just going to need to channel your inner big kid and be the bigger person about this.  I know my inner big kid has been getting an intense work-out lately 😉

Post # 9
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee

I have to say that I don’t think it’s fair to expect your bridesmaids to do anything aside from buying the dress and showing up for the rehearsal dinner and wedding.

While I probably wouldn’t call you a full-on bridezilla, I do think it’s out of line for you to expect your girls to help you with any of the wedding work. (In my opinion, you and your finance should do everything, maybe with some help from your parents.)

Have you tried getting together or talking with your Maid/Matron of Honor about something that isn’t the wedding? It often seems to me that brides who get irritated with their Wedding Party for not doing enough are actually driving their friends away by making every conversation and get-together about the wedding.

If she has kids with busy schedules, why don’t you offer to go over to her place or to go to one of her son’s basketball games with her? I think that would be a great way to show you care about her life and her family. 

Post # 13
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Nathalietanya,

I completely agree with you!

I think that a Bridezilla is a person who puts herself, her wishes and her wedding above anything else. Although your wedding is important, it is just one day. Are you really going to let one day consume your life for such a long time. Of course, to a certian degree, you have to just to make sure everything goes as planned but I think you and your fiance made the decision to get married and no one else’s lives should be effected because of that. If you are not paying for your MOH’s dress, she has already given a lot considering she is a single mother and that money could have gone to her children. She is obviously doing SOMETHING because she is planning your party. If that’s all she has the time to do, be greatful that it’s something. I would just email her explaining why you need the date and I’m sure she’ll give it to you. Be happy that she’s doing whatever she can and make sure to keep putting yourself in other people’s shoes. It’s the only way to understand people, keep friends and be happy in my opinion.

Post # 14
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Is there another bridesmaid that can maybe help you out with facilitating relations between you and your MOH? It sounds like you both could use someone to mediate the situation.

I totally do not think you are being a bridezilla at all. I understand your situation pretty well because mine is very similar. I picked one of my dearest friends to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, and she was really excited about it at first but just did NOTHING to help me out. I ended up getting a second Maid/Matron of Honor, and she’s literally doing all of the Maid/Matron of Honor work herself. We are occasionally able to drag Maid/Matron of Honor #1 to meetings and stuff, but she’s really reluctant to do anything that does not directly relate back to herself. It’s not like I’m a demanding bride at all- a meet up once per month does not seem very demanding to me, especially when I’m totally able to work around her schedule and I sense that you are in the same boat. If you get the opportunity to somehow talk to Maid/Matron of Honor again, let her know that you’re worried about her. That you care about her as a friend, and I think you guys need to spend some quality friendship time together before discussing your wedding again.

Post # 16
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Hi Irishgirl

I think you need to take a step back for a minute and realize that what you’re asking (whether or not anyone agrees with it) is to much for your friend. It doesn’t matter what the traditional duties of an Maid/Matron of Honor are, or whether some of us believe you shouldnt’ ask your bridal party for help or even what you expected from your friend. What does matter, now, is that she (for whatever reason) can not live up to your expectations.

So, you need to readjust. You need to accept that she simply can not give you what you want. If she is important to you, than you need to figure out how to maintain your friendship with her without letting this continue to upset you.

In the details you’ve provided it sounds like the majority of things you’ve been talking about with her lately are the wedding. I think when you do get her on the phone or see her next, you should discuss other things, and other things only. Do not bring up the wedding. If you need info about your bachelorette, email another Bridesmaid or Best Man seperately and ask (and do not complain about your Maid/Matron of Honor while you do it too. the last thing you need is dissent among your ranks!)

I am currently a bride and also a bridesmaid. And quite frankly, while I adore my friend, my wedding/my life are of course more important to me. That does not mean I don’t want to be there for my friend, it just means I am careful in what time/energy I can give her because my life is busy too. Your friend is not willing to give more of her time and energy. You need to accept that if you are going to be her friend. You can not force her into it. It just won’t work. Be appreciative of what she can give.

Friendships are tricky and as we get older they ebb and flow. It’s taken me a long time to come to grips with that in my own friendships. Sometimes people show up in the way you need them to and sometimes they don’t. It’s your decision whether or not to maintain that friendship.

I hope this helps.

-Habibi

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