(Closed) Am I a MANEATER or is this what they call “Cold Feet”?!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I don’t know if you “torture and ruin these men,” but it sure sounds to me like you don’t respect or particularly like your current partner.  I mean, you describe him as “mentally weak,” “childish,” and less intelligent than you.  Clearly his jealously bothers you (it would drive me nuts, too), and I’m just not sure why you are with him?

Most of us have bad days where the things we don’t like about our partner seem magnified, but if this is honestly the way you generally feel about him, and if his jealousy is creating problems for you, then I would seriously re-evaluate your relationship.

ETA: I know my response is harsh, but why stay with somebody you don’t fit with?  There may not be a perfect partner out there for each of us, but surely we can all find one that is a decent match.

Post # 4
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think the right one is the one that you are miserable without. I seriously hate not being around my husband, and anytime that I spend more than a few hours away from him, I can’t wit to see him. I still get butterflies in my stomach after a long day apart, and find myself watching him sleep with a permasmile on my face. To me, that is what made me realize that I wanted to be with my husband forever.

It may be that you aren’t cut out to be in a relationship, or you just haven’t found “the one”. Not everyone does, even people who marry. Sure, you love that person, but are they really who you were meant to be with? Could be part of the reason our divorce rate is so high…

Post # 5
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Just from reading this it definitely sounds like you barely tolerate your fiance, let alone love him.

You love him for his potential?? Would he enjoying hearing that?

“Why do you love me?”

“I love you for your potential’

I don’t think this is cold feet, I think you already know your answer and you possibly will never be satisified if you use the term “moving on to another victim


Post # 6
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

And maybe he has a right to be jealous since your ex is comparing him to some sort of manequin model #49474. That would be a blow to anyone’s ego.

I say, do the guy a favor and don’t marry him. Sorry 🙁

Post # 7
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am agreeing with these pp’s.  It doesnt sound like you really like him. 

In all seriousness, think back to when he asked you to marry him.  Why did you say yes?  Did you feel differently about him then?  Have things changed?

Post # 8
4885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Yeah, I’d pretty much be super pissed and leave someone if they ever thought or spoke about me the way you just did.

You’re not a maneater, please.  You’re picking the wrong men… maybe because in some way it makes you feel more comfortable/happy if you ‘date down’ and feel superior?

Neither of you are going to be happy in this marriage if you go forward.  I feel badly for your situation, but I absolutely feel worse for him.  Let him go so he can find someone who respects him.

Post # 9
10846 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@JenniBride I couldn’t agree more.

OP – You don’t sound like you particularly like him, never mind love him, maybe take a few steps back from this for the time being.

Post # 10
2790 posts
Sugar bee

You have answered your own question. You don’t even sound like you like him all that much. Don’t marry someone who cannot hold your intellectual attention. If you have to ask if you are in love with someone then you are not in love with them. You don’t love him so it’s time to leave him.

Post # 11
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

“How do you KNOW you would miss them if they’re gone?”

Think about it. If it gives you an awful gut feeling, that’s a pretty good indication you’d be really upset without them. Just thinking about life without my partner makes me want to throw up.

Post # 12
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I feel what you are going through is not just normal cold feet. If he is so ordinary to you, why do you want to stay with him? Do you just like the excitement of planning a wedding? Are you ‘settling’ for him because you feel as though an internal clock is ticking and if you don’t marry now, you won’t have the future you want? You need to be honest with him. If you have felt this way for a long time and you don’t think you want to marry him…don’t. And if you keep feeling this way, he eventually will pick up on the feelings and might end it himself before you even have a chance to process what it really is you are feeling. Could you imagine your life without him? Do you feel in your heart that there is someone else out there for you? If you do feel that way…then you need to leave. If you can’t imagine living without him, then maybe it just is cold feet, although I think those of us that have read this believe that it may not be.

Post # 13
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I hate to say it, but I agree with the PP. The clear message from your post sounds like you don’t REALLY love him, or not even sure if you like him as a person. If you did, none of the things you iisted would be an issue!

I say you need to do some serious evaluation of your relationship. It’s not a question of if you are a “maneater” but I think you owe it to your Fiance to figure out if you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him before you go through with this. You may just not have found the right guy for you yet, OR you may have some committment issues (from your statement that you run at the first sign of problems) Either way, some soul searching and maybe counseling seem in order.

Best of luck in finding your answers!

Post # 14
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@boombacha Sounds to me like it isn’t him, sounds to me like you give him a REASON to be “insecure”.

If you refer to your partner like some inferior being whom you grace with your presence, then I can only imagine how you act. People can’t hide that kind of disgust, it seeps into everything you do or say. You may not think so, but it is obvious that your ‘partner’ feels it.

Also, your ex shouldn’t be refering to your “Future Husband” as a model number. Sounds like the ex is more than looking to be friends and it also sounds like you don’t care. I would not be friend with an ex of mine who referred to my “future husband” as someone less than permanent in my life.

Leave your poor fiance, or get some counseling for these feelings of superiority and grandeur, he deserves to be with someone equally as nice.

Post # 16
4822 posts
Honey bee

I dont think you can enter into a marriage expecting changes to come that you need to be happy for a long time. What if they dont happen? What happens if he becomes less secure and confident? How would you handle that.

I think its OK if a partner doesnt have all the traits you thought you wanted, but I do think you should share all the important ones. If you can’t connect on the same mental level (IE you want deep conversation and he cant give it to you) that may be a red flag.  

A partner should be a best friend. Sure my friends fill in the “gaps” in some respect when I want to talk clothes or hair styles, but my husband and I can talk politics, hobbies, dinner, familiy, philosphophy. If I wanted that conversation and he couldnt give it to me that would be a problem. What happens if you lose your friends for some reason? An argument, a move etc? Who are you going to go to?

We are different, but in the important ways we are the same. We TRUST each other, we share the same values and share conversation that makes us both happy.

EDIT: Its often said that what you love about a man can become what you hate about them later if things don’t work out. IE they are relaxed, but later that means they dont help around the house, they don’t help plan vacations and life, bills are paid late.

If there are major qualities you are only tolerating now, it doesnt bode well for the future. (and I am not talking about he doesnt put the toilet seat down, but that you arent on the same page mentally)

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