- 9 years ago
It’s true, my fiance and I are really quite different.
ME: optimistic, entertaining, knowledgable, laid back, casual cool, confident, blunt, but most of all…original.
He is a bit of a jealous body. Did I say a bit? I meant that jealousy practically controls him and that he is a ball of nervous, jealous energy any time that a man in my life speaks to me or at merely the idea of my going out with friends just assuming a man will speak to me. Now, I realize he is insecure after gaining some weight since being together (almost 2 yrs) and is simply not looking for any competition at the moment (randomly back in the gym to remedy this, hopefully). He is innocent enough, but it is irritating. Why ask a woman to marry you whom you do not trust? It’s not a trust issue? Okay, then how can you ensure me you will not just constantly be plagued with a jealous gut? How do I know it will stop? You hear me, ladies? I am friends with my ex/daughter’s dad and see him weekly. He calls and texts, but this was explained to the fiance at the beginning of him showing any interest. I am a very open, up front person and made the fact that this man would not be going anywhere any time soon, but that our relationship was strictly friendly and nothing more.
My fiance is…without heavy, deep, philosophical substance. My ex describes him as Model #17624…etc, etc. Now, this is a bit extreme, but my family says he is “quiet, but seems nice.” Nice. He gets that one a lot. He is nice. What is nice, anyway? I am not nice. I am not mean, but I am not nice. I think of fake when I hear nice or cowardly. Someone not able to speak their mind or be honest with another. Nice doesn’t hurt feelings. Nice is safe.
Another major concern is simply that my man may not be interesting enough to lock in my attention. He is silly and kind and playful, but in a very childish way and I want a MAN to have and to hold. I feel like we are not on the same page, mentally. I worry his less than equivalent intelligence and life experience have him a little mentally weak. I love him for his potential and his innocence. I love him for his morality and his genuine nature. I love him because he started off as enthusiastic and passionate, but now is insecure and overly dramatic. He is like a child and I have two of those already. How do you KNOW you love someone? How do you KNOW you would miss them if they were gone? How do you KNOW they are right for you, regardless of their imperfections?
Sometimes I wonder if I am maybe not fit to be in a relationship. All of my exes have seemed “obsessed” and I have been very level headed and “in love”, but quick to flee when problems arise and questioning if I would miss them or simply move on with life and meet another potential victim down around the corner. Ha. It seems impossible that one man could be for one woman, as I have met a few men in life whom I might have been “happy” with. This upsets me. I am a romantic and I want to know I am in the right relationship and one that will last. I don’t like being told what to do, but I don’t want a pushover who wants me to run the show, either.
HELP!! Is this what they call “cold feet” or do I seem to torture and ruin these men???