(Closed) Am I a MANEATER or is this what they call “Cold Feet”?!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

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@Wannabe-diy-bride: I was on birth control AND I made him wear condoms, EVERY TIME (um hint hint you never wanna have a child with this person?)

Not to thread-jack, but this CAN be a warning sign, but not always.  My now-husband and I used condoms, VCF, AND I was on the pill.  I desperately want a child with him, we were just not at a point in our lives where a baby was a good option for us, especially because neither of us wanted a child before we were married.

Post # 62
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

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@Just_Squeeze: this 100% this my first though was codependency.

Another PP said its sad that the ex is your bestfriend and not your Fiance. I could not imagine thinking anyone other then my SO is my best friend. Putting and ex first is wrong. Being friendly for the sake of a child is great no child needs to see their parents at each others throats but beyond the child there is no reason to be buddy buddy with an ex they are an ex for a reason and anything not involving the child needs to be left in the past. Bottom line is this, it seems to me that your Fiance has issues with the friendship with your ex which he has every right to feel that way and you are not validating his feeling on this. No matter who is right or wrong both partners should always feel that their feelings are valid. If you dont get past this now things are not going to go well for your marriage. You need to go into it with both of you being equal in every way not that you are more important and your feeling mean more, I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I have been in realtionships where my feelings were not treated as vaild and I know how it feels no one should be made to feel that way, good luck to both of you with whatever happens

Post # 63
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I find jealous boyfriends make even more jealous husbands. They get a pit inside their stomachs when you go out, to put it mildly. The fact you’ve agreed to marry him and will marry him softens that pit somewhat.

However, once you’re married and tied together forever-more, he’ll still get that pit when you go out. Psychologically, after the marriage, there’s no more ways to tie you to him, other than to physically tie you to him.

From what I’ve seen, jealous – almostly quirkily funny boyfriend jealousy – becomes much more serious after marriage. It’s better to deal with it now. These feelings don’t just disappear. They’re a function of his internal feelings and how you make him feel. You both have a function in this equation and you both need to find a way out of it.

Post # 65
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

it seems like you’ve already made up your mind about the relationship and are looking for validation.

Post # 66
Member
1550 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

would you be open to counseling?

couples counseling, yes, but maybe he needs something and/or someone to help him with his insecurities?

my hubby always tells me that insecurity is the most unattractive trait in a woman, so i understand how it could bother you as well.

Post # 67
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I think you could definitely benefit from some form of counselling. As another PP’s said, it sounds like deep down, you are insecure and go after men that seem to be beneath you, to boost your self confidence. You sound like an intelligent, articulate woman, and it would be a shame to not address buried personal issues and get to the bottom of them, so you can be a happier, more whole person.

Also, about what you said about your fiance, in your initial post, sarcastic or not; came across as very demeaning, condescending and hurtful. Not words that are very becoming of a fiance and certainly not things one should be saying about the person they plan to marry. I would think if your (likely) loving and adoring fiance came across this thread, he would be devestated, shocked and probably have some reservations about getting married and justifiably so.

You also have a child with him and another child from a previous relationship, I think it says here also. As a parent, I would really want to prevent this way of thinking from rubbing off on my little ones. Please consider the mental well-being of your children and talk to a professional. It’s hard to believe this was a one time ‘vent’ and not a general way of thinking and speaking.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck and please keep us updated as I am sure many of us would like to hear a positive turnaround.

Post # 68
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

I can’t imagine marrying someone I wasn’t absolutely in awe of. I would always know that if I did, I’d find the person that I couldn’t get enough of at some point later.

Honestly, the way you talk about your Fiance kind of reminds me of the way Roxy talked about her husband in “Chicago”. It doesn’t sound like love to me, or at least not what I think of as love. Not judging you at all; I was in something of a similar situation not too long ago. And I said some things that were an equivalent amount bad. But I did not marry that man. 

Post # 69
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

I think I know what you mean…My best friend has a boyfriend who sounds just like your guy. He loves her a lot but he is just really jealous. He texts her all the time, hates her being around other people. Like for instance, she decided that she would meet up with me after work instead of meeting him. She had told him that she was tired and wanted to go home this week and since they were going away on a trip this weekend she wanted some time to herself. Fair enough. He was pissed off that she had met up with me when she said that…

Also, she is not allowed to go to bars etc because he thinks she will meet other guys…May I also add that he is allowed to do whatever he likes, with no restrictions. He wants to be with her 24/7 even when she is getting her hair done. Now that would totally suffocate me and my best friend knows this is wrong…She has tried to talk to him on several occasions but failed.

I honestly think her relationship won’t last, she is miserable, she says she is happy when she is WITH him but not when shes without him because he’s really suffocating her with his behaviour. Please please please talk to him and let out all your true feelings and hopefully he will understand he needs to love himself first in order to not feel insecure…there has to be 100% trust in the relationship.

Post # 70
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

If your EX was abusive, mentally and physically, why would you want him in your daughter’s life??

 

 

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