(Closed) Am I a selfish friend? What's going on here?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I mean, I don’t have kids either. But I think it’s crap that the dad can’t handle having his kid for a few hours. You shouldn’t have to drive two hours every time, and there’s no way she couldn’t use a few hours to herself, anyway.

Post # 4
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think with the baby shower, I probably would have just swallowed my pride and the inconvenience and helped out in whatever way that I could. That being said, it doesnt sound like any of that is an issue,  at least on your friend’s end.

With the situation as it is now, you might have to get creative if spending time with your friend is a major priority. You both have a lot going on in your lives, and you may not know everything going on in hers. For all we know, she may be suffering from post-partum depression and is having a hard time. Even without that, I dont think it’s unusual that a first-time mother of a seven month old may not want to let the baby out of her sight.  If you can’t make it out there to physically see her, you could talk on the phone more or even try Skype.

Post # 5
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

To me she seems unreasonable, friendships aren’t based on one person doing all the work! I have a 4 month old and actually love being able to get out of the house and visit my friends – which I usually end up going to their place since they live more centrally and I feel bad about making them make the trip (even though its about 10-15 minutes!) Having a baby just means being extra prepared – having extra diapers/supplies/clothes, and I think in most cases its pretty manageable to go out for a few hours. I’m sorry you’re been treated like this and having to do all the work!

Post # 6
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  So aside from all the history with the shower, etc…

“Today she sent me an email about how it’s impossible to go anywhere with a 7 month old, and leaving her neighborhood is not in the cards because what if the baby gets upset or has a huge poop.”

I call BS on this. Parents go prepared – you bring a diaper bag with changes of clothes and diapers, toys and things baby likes to play with, snacks and drinks, etc. When my daughter was that age, I killed for a chance to leave the house and see other people, and I simply brought supplies. There are tons of parent-friendly cafes and places y’all can meet. So that to me, as a parent, is unreasonable and a bit silly. I also think the ‘dad can’t take the baby’ thing is a weird reason, although I understand that she likes to use her non-baby time to prepare for teaching.

I think you have made efforts despite your schedule, and I don’t think you are unreasonable to hope she might make some compromises as well. Having a young baby can be stressful and can make planning things a bit more difficult, so it may be that she’s just feeling stressed with baby and work and whatever else is going on in her life, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want her to also make an effort to meet you.

Post # 7
Member
7673 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m a mum (though it’s a long time since any were 7 months old) and I don’t see anything unreasonable she’s doing. (Leaving aside the baby shower, I’m talking about now). Having a baby is extremely tiring. It’s not that it’s impossible to take baby out for 2 hours, it’s that those times are hard and you’ve got to prioritise them. Similar with leaving baby with hubby. If those times are rare, then you’ve got to prioritise them: work comes ahead of meeting a friend.

Travelling around the country is different because you’ve got everything with you when you arrive at someone else’s place.

Post # 8
Member
3424 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  Sounds like you both are crazy busy!  Hats off to you for being gracious regarding the shower, I may have held a small grudge. LOl   

Anyone with a small child may find it hard to commit to anything.  I personally had no energy to get to the grocery store.  When my friends would invite me out my mind was saying YES but my body was saying “Are you crazy?”

What I mean to say is don’t read to much into your friend not making more of an effort.  Motherhood will make the sane go mad! 

I would offer to take turns traveling to see one another. The effort would be mutual.

I hope everything works out! Good Luck!

  

Post # 9
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I would prefer not to meet you halfway with a 7 month old. I I did, that would mean we would be in public places only. If the baby starts crying uncontrollably/ has a massive poop/ gets cranky, I have NOWHERE to hide.

At your house or her house she will be more comfortable incase one of these things happens. As she has the baby, I do not think it is unreasonable to ask you to drive to her.

I also don’t think it is unreasonable for you to ask her to meet you halfway every other month or so for a grown up lunch/dinner/movie night or whatever.

Post # 10
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

It sort of sounds like you’ve grown apart! Maybe she really wants an every-six-months friend more than an every-week friend?

You’re both super busy! It’s totally natural to talk and hang out less! When her kids get older (and you have kids) I’m sure you’ll start seeing one another a LOTmore!

Post # 16
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@Buttercupmcgee:  this is just what happens when people have kids. Their worlds change & your space within it also does. I have friends that I consider my best but that I rarely see since they’ve had kids. It is unfair but it seems like those of us without kids are often put aside or expected to make more effort. You’re not bein selfish, nor is she. It’s just that things have changed. 

I will say, it’s best to let the shower thing go. 

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