(Closed) Am I a spoilt brat??? Need a reality check!!!

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

If he can’t afford it, and you know money is tight, you’re being a brat. 

Relationships aren’t based on tit for tat, just because you visited him, doesn’t mean it’s his “turn” to visit you– you are both doing the best you can to maintain your relationship over the geographic difficulties.  

You’ve said your piece, I’d leave it alone for now.  If he can, he’ll visit, and if he can’t, then he wont.  And you’ll have to decide how much it means to you either way, but continuing to bug him about spending money he doesn’t seem to have isn’t gonig to have any positive effects on your relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If he’s not blowing you off in other ways, and he’s not out buying a bunch of frivolous things, I think I would assume that he actually didn’t have the money.  Sometimes, as much as you might want something, there is no way to just “make it happen.”  It comes down to a choice between a plane ticket and your electric bill, and the only responsible choice is to keep your lights on.

When Darling Husband and I were in a LDR, I visited him probably 10 times in 4 months.  Maybe more.  (5 hour drive.)  He never once came to visit me.  He just didn’t have the money, and I wanted to see him more than I wanted the travel times to be equal.

So, I get how you’re feeling, but unless there are other indicators here, I would probably leave this one alone, and see him at Christmas.

Post # 5
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Darling Husband and I were LDR for about 10 months and I visited him about 70% of the time; he visited me 30%. not counting the trips where we both travelled and met in a third city. I had way more money than he did at the time, and I had more work flexibility. I also often spent more on dinners out, hotels when we travelled, etc.

If I’d kept track of who spent what or how he didn’t come to visit as often as I did, we’d probably not have gotten married. Period. Counting the pennies is destructive to a relationship. I adored the small sacrifices he made for me ($5 for a tub of Ben and Jerrys is a big deal when he was literally living paycheck to paycheck– that $5 was his one drink at a work happy hour that month, but he spent it on me). I never pitied myself and never felt neglected. And since his financial situation changed, he has been the most generous man.

Post # 7
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I’m in an international long term relationship, though a more drastic one (USA and UK). I’m a student with little income and no credit card, so I cannot afford the flights on my own and the money to simply be there with him and go out and do things.

My SO, on the other hand, has a credit card and a decent job so he can afford to visit and hang out with me when he does.

So we compromise. I cover my airfare and he supports me when I come to visit him so I don’t have to worry about spending money once I am there. Or he helps to cover the airfare cost for me.

If you want your boyfriend to visit, and he doesn’t have the means, then you need to help him out or else do not expect him to visit. Either way is fine. You can do all the visiting, or you could split visits, but only if he is financially capable.

Post # 8
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@fishbone:  You said it perfectly.

Darling Husband bought me a half-gallon of milk, which he didn’t drink.  When you do live that close, that makes a difference.

OP, you said he spent money on your anniversary dinner.  That probably took a lot of creative footwork on his part!

Post # 9
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@inlove_be:  It might not be a need to see you.  A lot of guys tend to look at the facts and then not dwell on it.  DH is one of these guys.

So while I may say “I wish we had money for x”, he’ll say “Well, we will in January, so just wait.”

And then he literally DOESN’T STRESS about it.  He buys whatever it is I wanted when the money comes around, but for him, since he addressed the issue, it’s no longer one.

So, perhaps your boyfriend has just accepted that he can’t afford to visit you, so sees no reason to dwell on it, and instead focus on happier things.

Post # 11
Member
4049 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@inlove_be:  You’re not terrible at all! It’s always good to hear different perspectives and make sure we have our heads on straight. Things can feel crazy in a LDR especially. ๐Ÿ™‚

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