Post # 1
I feel petty being so irritated about my situation but I can’t help it. Here is the deal:
I was in a friend’s wedding this summer and she was in mine. For her wedding I paid for my dress, shoes, hair, mani/pedi, flight to the location ($350), and took time off work. For my wedding she paid for her hair and did not have to travel. Whatever, I was fine with the discrepancy because it was my choice to pay for my bridesmaid’s attire and it isn’t her fault she didn’t have to travel. I also bought her a bridal shower gift (even though I wasn’t able to attend the shower) and a wedding gift. She attended my shower but did not bring a gift and did not even give us a card for the wedding. Okay, I was kind of okay with this, I assumed maybe money was tight or that she just didn’t believe in giving gifts.
I have yet to receive a thank you card from her for either of the gifts or for being a bridesmaid. She sent thank you cards out to my aunt, my cousin, and one of our friends a couple months ago (I’m assuming she also sent thank you cards to others but these are the only ones that I have seen on fridges, etc.). The other day she alluded to the fact that she was so glad to be done writing thank you cards. She never even asked for my address (I moved and she had hand-delivered me my invitation to her wedding).
So, I guess I wouldn’t be completely upset about any of these things, but putting them all together, I feel irritated. Is this common? Do people usually not send thank you notes to those in the bridal party? I was also a bridesmaid in another wedding this summer and never received a thank you from the bride although she sent one to my mom and aunt. (This bride did give us a thank you for being in the bridal party on the day-of but never thanked me for the wedding gift). Am I missing something here?
Post # 2
jeg14: no, you have a right to be upset. EVERYONE gets a thank you, ESPECIALLY the bridal party because they play a big part in the wedding, and in some situations even spend a lot of money to be a part of it.
I wouldn’t say “hey where is my thank you card” but I would keep a mental note of it. I would be very annoyed.
Post # 3
I would be annoyed too. But, I don’t know, is there the off-chance that she thought she already gave you one? Maybe with all the flurry, she really thought she had.
ETA: Had another thought, but nm.
Post # 4
jeg14: i don’t think you can compare your wedding and what she paid for it, to her wedding and what you paid for it. that’s a weird yardstick to measure on, so don’t dwell there (sounds like you’re not anyway).
i would be bummed that i hadn’t received a thank you note from her, because that’s poor manners. i wouldn’t care that she didn’t bring a gift or even a card to the wedding; as a bridesmaid i always give all gifts and cards at the showers because on the day of the wedding, i’m expected to do a lot more than a normal guest who can just show up, put the gift/card on the table, and sit down. BUT i would be more than bummed that she didn’t give you a card at the shower–i have a friend who is always broke but she brings a card to everyone’s showers. no money in them but still she wants to show she cares.
i think you have every right to be annoyed/upset over it, but holding a grudge over something you can’t really fix is like drinking poison and waiting on the other person to die from it. you’re only hurting yourself if you let this fester. so definitely vent here, get it all out, and then move on and enjoy that you and your friend are both happily married now! 🙂
Post # 5
This is just one of those situations where you choose whether or not you want to be upset/hold a grudge/ keep score.
If I have a friend who is, in the general sense of the word, a good friend– I don’t sweat it if they don’t follow etiquette procedure every single time. It just causes more harm than good to start keeping a mental checklist of things they did not do that amount to nothing other than minor infractions.
The bottom line is, even nice people don’t write thank you cards. Just accept that you won’t receive one, and move on.
Post # 6
I would be annoyed, but I would never say anything to her. No one can tell you how you should or could feel, but I don’t think you should act on those feelings.
Post # 7
You have to pick and choose your battles. Maybe something is going on with her and she can’t afford it. When I stood up in my best friends wedding, I couldn’t afford to give her a gift. However, about a year later, I sent her a card with a check in it because I was better off.
She was in my wedding and I’ve been married over 2 years and still haven’t gotten anything back from her. She has 2 kids and maybe just can’t afford it. I’m not heartbroken over it. She is my best friend. I like her for who she is – gifts or no gifts.
Post # 8
Crass and ignorant but I doubt you’d achieve anything that would make you feel better by challenging her.
Post # 9
Ugh. I totally empathize and understand why you would be annoyed – I would be annoyed too. Ultimately, know that anything you say may risk losing your friendship. So, is it worth it?
Post # 10
jeg14: I was in a similiar situation — paid a ridiculous amount of money to co-host a friend’s bridal shower, bought her gifts, attended the wedding, etc — and so I totally relate to feeling irritated and keeping score. Unfortunately, that’s petty and I’m old enough to know better so I say the same thing to myself as I’m advising you — you can feel irritated all you want, but you can’t say or do anything about it. Just focus on how everyone else is celebrating you and enjoy those moments.
Post # 11
jeg14: It’s incredibly rude not to thank your bridal party – they put more time and money into your wedding than anyone else!
I wonder if it’s possible that your note got lost in the mail? I’ve learned the hard way with this wedding stuff that the mail system (especially in certain cities, like mine) is less than reliable.
Post # 12
I would never, ever say anything to her about it! I promise 🙂 that would be so rude. I’m just irritated. It helped me just to vent on here. Thank you everyone for your replies, it makes me feel better to know that this is not the norm. I hadn’t really thought about it until this morning while I was taking a shower and then it just kept festering so it helped to get it out here. Thank you!
Post # 13
if she is important enough to be in your bridal party and you hers, cut her some slack.
she has been really busy herself in sure and is a simple card something to ruin a friendship over? Yeah it sucks but give her the benefit of the doubt, chalk it up to forgetfulness, and move on.
Post # 14
jeg14: I think that yeah, fair enough she should have written you a nice thank you note, but I really don’t think you comparing how much money you spent to be in her wedding compared to how much she spent to be in yours is relevant here. Everyone’s financial position is different and you can’t judge her on that.
I’m with the PPs who said that this is NOT worth bringing up and potentially ruining a friendship over.