(Closed) am I allowed to stand up to MIL now that we are married?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ugh… I’ll be curious to hear what people have to say about this – because honestly, I have a similar situation with Future Sister-In-Law – I’ve always just smiled and nodded (except one time, which was bad bad bad)… and Fiance has told me that if anyone is going to say anything to her it will be him.. but he doesnt like confrontation, so I feel like I should be able to stand up for myself!!! I told him if he doesn’t, then i will, so if he doesn’t want me to, he better! What does your Fiance have to say about that?

Post # 4
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I think you always had a place to stand up for yourself, you shouldn’t have to be treated like that ever. Does you hubby stick up for you at all?

Post # 5
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think that not only do you have the right to stand up to her, but your Darling Husband should talk to her as well!  I know there is no way I would tolerate any of my family saying things about my Darling Husband like your MIL have said about you.  It’s completely uncalled for and not right at all.  Have you sat down and talked to your Darling Husband about this?  I would do that before talking to your Mother-In-Law, so that when you do talk to her, you guys can put on a united front.

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. 

Post # 7
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I would leave her totally out of it and just focus on how she affects your relationship with your husband: as PPs have said, he needs to have your back when she’s insulting you.  And to some extent, you probably need to be a little nicer than she deserves for his sake.

Post # 8
Member
5761 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree. Who’s supposed to be giving you permission to stand up for yourself to anybody? You’re an adult and shouldn’t need to be given the OK to have an in your face conversation or confrontation with someone who is tormenting you, even if it is your husband’s Mother. I think as long as you allow it, she’ll continue doing it. Maybe it’s exactly what she needs.

By The Way,and for future reference….MOST men don’t like confrontation and prefer to remain in lala land when it comes to family issues. Do what you have to do to save your sanity.

Post # 9
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

That’s awful!  I’m so super sorry that you’re having to deal with all of her issues.

What does your husband have to say about those comments that she and his grandfather made?  Did he not stick up for you and address his mother’s inappropiate and rude comments?

Personally, I don’t tell anyone anything that I wouldn’t want broadcasted on the evening news – but that’s because I’ve had bad experiences with not nice people.  So in general I would refrane from speaking to her if possible, and definitely not go on any family excursions. 

But I really think your husband should be the one to step in, in this situation.  Has he ever said anything to her?

Post # 10
Member
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

In a way, you certainly do have a right to stand up for yourself. However whatever you say to her is going to backfire. I think it is your husbands place to stand up to his mother. I just think that anything you say to her will be used for her to say “Look I was right about her”.

Post # 11
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Stand up for yourself! I’d say start with comments the slide in and no one notices are mean. Yes, that’s hard, but it’ll get under her skin. You cannot let this women interrupt your life. By the way, there are lots of Dear Prudence and Abby letters where they both say to stand up for yourself (I read them for the crazy letters) and don’t let your marriage and life be ruined by a third party.

Post # 12
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I 100% completely and totally agree with artbee.  You’ve ALWAYS had a place to stick up for yourself, regardless of whether you’re married to her son or not.  It really irks me to read that she is so mean to you and gossips about you.  I do hope your husband sticks up for you.

If you find a tactful way of talking to her, please let me know.  Heck, even if you blow up at her, let me know!  😛  I’m trying to think of a way to approach my FMIL’s rudeness, without having my Fiance talk to her for me, and keep running into dead-ends.

I wish you tons of luck!  And btw, I’m proud of you for almost completing school!  It’s a huge accomplishment.

Post # 13
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Okay, so after reading you additional post…

I think it’s a serious issue that your hubby doesn’t address the issue with her more seriously.  If she acts obnoixous like that to him, he should say something about it.

But, if he doesn’t want to then I would say something directly to her about it.  It’s better to let it come out when you’re calm and collected as opposed to just one day a comment of hers just breaks the dam.  You have the right to stand up for yourself against any person who is acting unjustly to you.

-Good Luck with everything!

Post # 15
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OMG, she’s still at it?! Arrrghh… I totally remember your previous post about her belittling you and I can’t believe she’s still at it! This totally pisses me off because you work so hard and seem so selfless with supporting him through med school!

First off, I’m glad to hear you’re back in school and still trying regardless of your health problems. You seem like a strong woman and you know yourself enough to not have to stoop down to her level BUT this is just gonna continue if you don’t learn some come-backs!

It’s horrible to have to think of this, but it looks like there really isn’t any other way to get through to this woman. This is my advice: act yourself and be completely honest with your feelings! But learn to be more vocal and communicate your situation.

For instance, when grandpappy asked if you were going to pass, take him by the arm and tell him how bad you felt about not passing then proceed with how HARD it was because of your kidney infection WHILE working full-time! You really need to get them to know you and know that you don’t have it easy — that way when Mother-In-Law runs her mouth, they will be the ones sticking up for you! Without trying, she will look like the wicked witch that she is! Seriously, you just need to let others in … and you’ll be surprised with who’ll stick-up for you once they know your situation.

HUUUUUUGS!

Post # 16
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well that’s good that he takes your side and was willing to remove the both of you from the situation!  It’s going to take time for him to reach the point where he can do that – it’s really hard – but it seems like he’s going in the right direction.

I’ve found that with some people (that seem to be similar to your MIL) the only way to get across to them that they are being inappropiate is to be extreme.  Sometimes literally saying f-you and leaving is the only way for them to get that they’ve done something wrong – sadly.

-Good Luck!

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