Post # 32
You and hubby BOTH have to stick up for you. But in different ways.
YOU should hold your head high, correct Mother-In-Law on matters of fact, and not get defensive. Talk about your accomplishments, talk about how much you love school, talk about all the things you’re learning and what your future plans are after school. You’re not getting pulled into MIL’s game and anyone would be able to see you are not a deadbeat.
HUBBY should be your cheerleader and your pit-bull: he should sing your praises in public and bust Mom’s chops in private because what she’s doing is NOT okay. Plus, frankly, what you need to make him realize is that she’s not only embarrassing and insulting you, she’s embarrassing and insulting HIM. What does it say about him if he’s the bloke who chose the “deadbeat girlfriend” (which he didn’t, by the way–just making that clear)? He needs to make it clear to Mom that disrespect to you means disrespect to him–you are one and the same and she needs to stop.
And if he can’t do that, you need to seek help.
Post # 33
You need to watch the movie “Monster in Law.” Because that is how you have to handle a Mother-In-Law when your DH is too naive or scared to deal with her himself. She cries? You cry. She makes snide comments, you make snide comments. She drags you both to these family outings to show off your DH? Then YOU be the one flouting his achievements, and direct some of the credit your way! “Oh, isn’t DH amazing? He’s going to medical school! It’s been difficult for me working full time and going to school so that I can support his dream. But I would do anything for him, and I know he’ll succeed!” Your Mother-In-Law can’t really take credit for him if you are. (Sadly, your DH should be taking his own credit, but it sounds like he’s more content to let others talk for him…)
Definitely the subtle war, as Trishthedish36
mentioned. It requires a quick wit to snap back at whatever she says without seeming to others to be saying anything bad. You can even start to use her gossiping against her! “Oh I’m sure Mother-In-Law told you that I failed that class. It was so hard for me, since I’m so used to making good grades, that I could not overcome my medical condition for the sake of my exams…” “Oh I know Mother-In-Law said that everyone
was expecting DH and I to come up here this weekend! It was all she could talk about! We feel so lucky to have family who want to see us so often!”
Sound like something you could do? Once you start, it gets easier. Everytime she does something that annoys you, you turn it back around on her. (Try not to use DH as a pawn in all this though. He’ll get annoyed eventually.)
Post # 34
It’s unfortunate that your DH doesn’t like confrontation, but if his mom is treating you badly he needs to step up… from the sounds of her, if you stand up to her she might just try to guilt him even further where you’re concerned.
Maybe you need a code word you can slip to DH when Mother-In-Law is being rude to indicate he needs to say something to her asap. That way there’s no excuse for him not noticing or missing opportunities.
Either way, I hope you’re able to sort if out sooner than later! Sounds like she already has a few years of bad behavior where you’re concerned. :S
Post # 35
I am so sorry you’re having to deal w/ this. Reading your post made me SO angry. No one deserves to be treated that way. She should be thanking you for putting her son through school!
I believe that TrishtheDish said it best. You’re not stooping down to her level w/ the nastiness, but you are putting her in her place.
Post # 36
Thanks everyone for your advice. I talked to DH about it and tried to get to the bottom of why he will not take care of it. Definitely let him know how much it is upsetting me again and that it hurts my feelings more that he hasn’t put a stop to it. It isn’t as if he doesn’t know he has to do it, because he definitely does. He needs to just man up and deal with his mommy already before I do. If the next time comes around and he doesn’t deal with it, I will.
I really don’t think it is a situation where we need counseling. We actually did do some premarriage counseling for our church before the wedding and that was great because the third party was a woman who ran our session and she told him exactly what we all know he should do. It is just going to be him actually getting up the guts to finally do it and do it sternly. I think after that finally happens the problem will be solved. Like my in laws were dropping in a ton of times unannounced to our house and it was super awkward and finally he told them that the keys are for emergency use only and if they kept coming over unannounced/uninvited he was going to take their keys away. It was AWESOME and guess what? No more visits 🙂
Post # 37
I think a code word would be an awesome idea honestly. Because sometimes it happens and I know we are both thinking “oh my god… I cannot believe she just said that” but if I were to spit out a code word it would give him the kick in the butt reminder he needs to speak up.
Post # 38
Haha I love your description! It is PERFECT! And so funny because men seriously do not see it. Like for example how I know
when she is being manipulative in her subtle way that he never catches on to. Very bizarre.
Post # 39
Wow, just have to say thumbs up to you for putting up with her all this time! I think I would have flip my lid and just went off on her by now. Dead beat?! Is she crazy? Perhaps she needs reminding that her son can afford not to work and have the luxury of going to school with the burden and stress of working at the same time cause you are the one doing it! I’m pretty confrontational, so I don’t know if I could have even been with anyone whos family made me so miserable unless we just cut them off completely. Theres no way there would not have been a lot of words exchanged by now, and honestly probably wouldn’t even care what his family thought if they were so unreasonable. Sorry I have no good advice since I can only guess what I would do… but good luck with her!
Post # 40
Oh my goshhhh I know exactly what you’re talking about! Except it’s his sister and mother that are really bad….especially when together. His sister is a psychiatrist. One night we were all sitting around talking and his sister started asking us questions about the wedding and everything and I was answering truthfully to everything. It then turned into this huge “counselling session” and his mother told us she didn’t think we were right and asked us if we “even love each other” uhhhhhhhhhh…. no. Nope. We don’t love each other one bit. Is that a prerequisite? Stupid.
Post # 41
O chem is the worst class in the world. It gave me gray hair and almost a nervous breakdown. I am so sorry about your mother in law. She should take that O chem class and see how she feels.
Post # 42
IGNORE HER..see her as little as often and don’t give her any info. Is this you giving her info or your husband? When my Mother-In-Law asks me questions she gets answers like “schools going good, or do you have a job lined up…my response..hmm I think so. People that are nosy and/or gossips I give extremely vague answers to ON PURPOSE. And I’m pretty sure they know I am doing it on purpose and it gives me a little kick actually lol. Can I ask what his mother does for a living? Does she even have a college degree? I’ve noticed it’s usually the ones whom don’t or older generation type housewives whom seem to be threatned by educated women. She’s probably just jealous of you. You must have something she doesn’t.
Post # 43
I agree…Organic Chem is evil…
Post # 44
You said that you don’t to seem disrespectful to her but she is not being respectful to you… at all.