(Closed) Am I an Attention Hog??!! Sister rivalry

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

As a way of background, my sister (let’s call her R) and I are very close in age.  So naturally, when something happens to one, the other one isn’t far behind.

I was Maid/Matron of Honor for R’s wedding and she is Maid/Matron of Honor for mine.  R was dating someone for umpteen years before getting engaged, and my Fiance and I were dating for only a year.  To each her own.

So when my Fiance asked my parents for permission to marry, my mother’s immediate reaction was “yeah but….you are getting married after R, right???” Not even a “yaayyy I’m so happy for you!”  Nothing.  Let’s make sure that R’s parade isn’t rainy.  Thats all that matters.

Then, my family told me that they couldn’t plan for my wedding until R’s wedding was over – it was too much for them.  Which basically meant that I had to do the planning on my own, but I couldn’t get a dress, etc with family until after her wedding was over.  

My wedding was a non-discussion during R’s time.  Plus, as per my previous posts, even though I wanted to get married sooner, my family couldn’t handle that and felt that I shouldn’t get married the same year as R (I shouldn’t rain on her parade), so I had to delay my wedding by 7-8 months to make everyone else happy. So I did and kept all wedding updates to myself.

I had to get my dress within the 2 weeks after R’s wedding because they didn’t want to do it sooner and we were pressed for time.  Bridesmaid dress shopping was urgent and late because no one was interested until after R’s wedding.  Now i’m rushing things.

To add to this mix, just this week, R ANNOUNCES that she is TTC.  If she gets prego before my wedding, she can’t be my Maid/Matron of Honor (my wedding is destination) and ALL of the attention will YET AGAIN be surrounding R!  Where is my f’ing time!  Seriously, I delayed my damn wedding to make everyone happy and now its baby-making time for R!  As it is, as soon as my family was notified of R TTC, my wedding is now old news.

Am i an attention hog??  Why can’t I have 4 months of it being about me for once?  I must be in the wrong here…Maybe I’m asking for too much now.  I should’ve just eloped and told everyone to forget it.

 

 

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Post # 4
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@destinwed:  If it were me I probably would have waited until after the other wedding only because planning one wedding is stressful enough, I couldn’t imagine two. Your sister should have her time in the spotlight just as you should too! It is hard to accomplish that though while planning both at once, which may be stressful for your parents too! How long had she been engaged before you got engaged?

Post # 5
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am so “as long as its not the same day” pick you wedding daate, but maybe I cann offer a different perspective too. I am a mom to three girls (obviously very youngs at this time), but when I think about them getting marrie in a situation like this I would hope that they would space their wedding apart so each could have their own time and we would be able to help each out as much as possibly financially.

I also want to say if your date is correct, even if your sister is pregnant by April there is no reason she can’t travel that early in her pregnancy:)

 

Post # 6
Member
5965 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@destinwed:  All I can think of is that old saying, “The Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease.”  Sounds like your sister has squeaking down to a science, and regardless of whoever or whatever else is around her, she’s going to make sure she’s getting what she needs. 

Family dynamics are complicated at best, as a sibling, its easy to get lost in the shuffle and when you’re on the parent side…its like, impossible to make sure everything is fair, equal and that everyone is happy…so you do what you can and hope it isn’t emotionally scarring your kids.

I think your family dynamic is one that kind of centers around R and her needs, it doesn’t make her a bad person, it doesn’t mean your parents did a bad job and its no indicator of their love and affection for you…its a habit…so break it.

Time to pipe up about what YOU need during this special time in YOUR life, regardless of R’s current endeavor to conceive, you’ve been more than accomidating and its not unreasonable to expect one good turn to deserve another….be firm, clear and consistent about what you want and need and I’m sure your family will be there for you.

Post # 7
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

aww, i just want to say I am sorry you are dealing with this. Everyone wants to feel their wedding is a special time.

Post # 8
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@destinwed:  

What. The. Hell. Yell

I would be SO PISSED if I were you. 

I can kind of get where your family was coming from (two wedding at once is really busy and expensive) but really, I’ve known many families where this happens.

There is no rule that the person dating the longest/getting engaged first has to get married first. I had a bridesmaid in my wedding party who had only been dating a year and got married 2 months before me (even though I had planned my wedding first and been dating for 8 years). I put my wedding 2 weeks before my Maid/Matron of Honor & I was her MOH’s wedding and she had been dating for 10 years & she had gotten engaged before me. But, we were all super excited for each other, it was fun to plan together, and it didn’t matter! But this aspect is done, so I gues there is no point in being mad about it at this time.

Your sister has the right to TTC obviously, it’s not like she has to wait until your wedding is done (not that I think you’re implying that). But really, why couldn’t she be your Maid/Matron of Honor still? Why is she even annoucing she is TTC to everyone? I don’t think you need to worry about it at this point, she won’t even necessarily get pregnant quickly.

I do think that you need to sit down your parents and talk to them about how you’re feeling. In order to prevent a full blown fight from breaking out I think this needs to happen. I would say something like: “I feel ______(sad? hurt?) that my wedding is feeling ‘rushed’. I delay my wedding planning for R’s wedding and now that it’s time to plan my wedding I will really need your help/being on board with dress shopping/etc. since I’m limited for time.” 

Do you have any best friends that are excited about planning with you? I would focus more on that and planning with them.  

 

Post # 9
Member
1778 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@destinwed:  I think this is a tough situation.  But on the bright side, even if she does get pregnant right away, she will only be 5 months come April, so unless for some reason she is high risk, there is no reason that she can’t be there.  I would suggest trying to limit the wedding talk and share your excitement and news with your friends and Fiance (and his family) more. Best of luck and I hope when April gets closer your family shapes up and supports you the way you need/want!

Also, this is one reason you don’t announce you are TTC, because now EVERY damn month people are going to be asking your sister “Sooooo any news?”  No one needs that kind of pressure.

Post # 10
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Unfortunately knowing R, she will be scared to go to my destination if she is prego at all, because she won’t trust the hospitals if something goes wrong.  She just won’t go.  I’m always the “bigger person” who puts up with this kind of nonsense and I’m really angry now.  I mean, who announces they are TTC???  Isn’t that a faux pas already?  I’m so pissed off – and Fiance wanted to elope and I should’ve just gone with his idea.  He saw the writing on the wall.

Post # 11
Member
810 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Wow, I am SO sorry you have to deal with this!!

I’m kind of pissed at your parents for feeding into her spot light.  You let her have the whole YEAR for her wedding, why can’t they give you a few months?  I agree with PP above; sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about this whole thing.  I really hope you guys reach understanding.

 

Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

@destinwed:  I don’t want to get flammed for this but I understand your parents point.  It’s a HUGE deal to have a wedding in the family, and it’s your parents moment as well.

I’m sure that unless your parents are rich, loaded with money, don’t need to work for it, then they probably would have all the time in the world to balance both of your special days.

Instead of thinking of it like ‘Your SISTER’S special day’, I’d think of it like this–Your parents want YOU to have YOUR special day by being able to let the sister who got engaged FIRST and had been dating LONGER.

Also….Are your parents worried that since you’ve only been with your Fiance for a year that it might not work out? Perhaps they are trying to get you to buy some time to ensure that you two will still be together…and that the rush isn’t because of sister rivalery?

Post # 13
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I think it’s fair enough if your parents wanted to focus on R’s wedding first and make a big deal of it, she should have time to be a bride/have the excitement however what is not ok is that your parents/family haven’t done the same for you which they should.

I’m sorry but just remember your wedding is important and no-one can take away that it’s your day (unless you let them) and  most importantly, you get to marry the love of your life. that’s what it’s all about!

Post # 14
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@destinwed:  Plan a wedding special for you and your Fiance and those who love you the most will be happy to you. 

If she does conceive, then she can’t go.

Do not change any wedding plans for her is she does get pregnant. 

Post # 15
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@veryberry13:  I 100% agree with you. Weddings are big deals and it’s hard to focus on two weddings at the same time!

Post # 16
Member
2948 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@veryberry13:  I am in your boat on this.  I have a large extended family (my dad has 8 sibblings and my mom has 4) and we do weddings.  Large weddings, lots of weddings.  Sometimes 7 in the same number of months.  It’s hard enough on my family attending all the weddings and events surounding, but I couldn’t immagine planning two weddings at once.

I am always in the “You get one day” boat when it comes to people who talk about friends/cousins/ ect getting married around their day, but when you are talking about two sisters, who’s parents are involved in the planning process that is different.  Especially if they are helping with money.  I am sure that they wanted to give you all the attention on your planning process they gave to your sister, along with the same amount of financial support. 

It doesn’t sound to me like they are uninvolved in your process, but working on being just as involved.  Unfortunatly, due to the way the world works, with you and your sister finding wonderful men that you want to spend the rest of your life with around the same time, everything got a bit squished. 

As far as the TTC thing, yes, it’s annoying, but you are close family, and she was sharing happy news that will affect all of your family.  Is it a bit attention hogging, possibly, but she hasn’t told you she can’t be in your wedding yet, nor asked you to put any of your wedding plans on hold for her. 

ETA: Did either you or your sister have deposits down on your wedding when you were talking to your parents about date?  I would feel difrently if you had a deposit down, but your sister did not.  There is no “Dibs” on dates based on when you get engaged. 

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