(Closed) Am I an awful bridesmaid??

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

Honestly, I feel like if you explain the situation, she should understand. It’s not your fault, and you can’t do anything about it!

Post # 4
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

That is so stressful.  I know how the bride feels about not having an active bridesmaid but honestly, no one says that you have to be involved in a whole bunch of things to be a bridesmaid.  It sounds like you are in a really tough financial situation with the two of you working 5 jobs so she needs to cut you some slack.  I think that I would tell her that she could drop me as a bridesmaid if she wanted because I wouldn’t want to ruin my friendship over this.

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

You poor thing!  You’re doing the best you can, and if I were the bride in question, I would feel really bad for making you feel this stressed out!  Honestly, the only thing she has a right to expect from you is that you show up on the wedding day, wearing what she’s asked you to wear, and that you’re on time and smile pretty in pictures.  Everything else is extra.  I hope she knows that.  Just tell her what you told us–that you’ve taken on a second job to help with all your expenses and that you just can’t take the time off, you wish you could!  She should understand.  If she doesn’t…..well, we’ll just assume she will.  🙂

Post # 6
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Just be honest with her and she should understand your situation.  Only the bridesmaid hosting my shower this weekend is able to be there, I would love if they all could come, but they can’t and that’s ok.  Being in a wedding a huge commitment of time and money, but really it’s about the WEDDING, not all the events before that…

Post # 7
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Poor thing! She should and better understand. I mean you guys are busting your butts and it’s not like you are just blowing her party off for no good reason.

Post # 8
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Orange County Performing Arts Center

Oy! If she is a friend, then she should be able to understand.  Plus, if you are attending one or more of her other events, it’s not like you’re skipping everything!  I’m a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a wedding that’s around the same time as my own and she’s having a lot of events too. I’ve already told her I can’t make most of them b/c of conflicts and when I approached it like, “I really would’ve liked to attend all of them, but I can’t.  But, I will definitely be at the (insert event here).”  and she totally understood. And, I always found that when brides plan a TON of events and expect everyone to attend every single one, they’re being a bit inconsiderate of your time and wallet!  I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man once in a wedding where she had a mani/pedi day with lunch, etc., a bachelorette, a bridal shower and a bridesmaid bonding weekend.  When I couldn’t attend one of them, she was really upset at me and it took forever to talk it out.  But, we eventually worked through it.  Good luck. I’m sorry. Keeping my fingers crossed that your conversation with her goes well!

Post # 10
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

What a predicament you are in.  On one hand you made the commitment to be in your friend’s wedding and, as a future bride yourself, you should realize all that commitment entails (financial and time).  On the other hand you are over committed with work and other obligations.  If you were one of my bridesmaids I would appreciated if you tried to work something out.  Could you do father’s day with your dad the night before or the next day (this seems to be the only other day that has  a little flexibility).If you decide to miss the shower you need to gently talk to the bride about your situation.  If being in her wedding is becoming a burden (financial or time) you may want to talk to her about just being a guest and not part of the wedding party…it might be a bit of a relief for her too.  Good luck! 

Post # 11
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Honestly, I think it’s kind of ridiculous that she has you all spending all that money. 300 for a bridesmaid dress! All those “bonding” trips. If she even has time to take all those days off then maybe she should be giving you money! Don’t feel bad that you can’t afford all of her events. I’m sure you had no idea you’d all have to spend all that money.

Post # 12
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

If I were in your situation, I would go to my friend and tell her that I can’t be at their bridal shower. Contextually, I would tell her that I am willing to bail out of her wedding party if that makes it easier on her (believe me, when you’ll organize your wedding, you will understand that bridesmaids *need* to take those girly nights out to support the bride, at least every so often).

That way, you will show her that you are putting BOTH yours and her needs first (yours of not being able to take more days off, hers of needing an involved bridesmaid).

If one of my BMs would go so far as to offering to bail out I would have absolutely no problem with her not coming to my bridal shower because – by her offering to bail out – she would be showing me that she does indeed care for my wedding.

Post # 14
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yeah, I posted that before I saw the $300 dress!!!  It sounds like she hasn’t been the most responsible bride when it comes to making sure her bridesmaids are accommodated as well.  I felt bad making my girls pay over $200 for their dresses so I decided to cover part of that cost.  I am also asking them to stay at the wedding sight for the weekend (another $375) and to have hair and makeup done ($150).  I have decided to also cover part of hair/makeup costs too cause I think it is too much to ask.  Then again, I also chose bridesmaids that I knew would be there for me no matter how crazy my requests became (2 sisters, cousin/bestfriend, and my other bf/lifelong friend).  Again, good luck…it sounds like you might need it with this one. 

Post # 15
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I am asking for them to pay for a somewhat pricey dress with a sweater. However, I am paying for their hairstylist, make-up stylist and jewelry. Plus, the dress is something they can totally wear again.

I’d rather have no BMs at all than those cheap Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. On top of it, in order to save (their) money I did tell her I need to bachelorette party or bridal shower. In no way I’m compromising on looks, I’m too vain and I want them to look stellar as well. I’ve got enough of those poor dressed down BMs I see so often in wedding pics 🙁

Post # 16
Member
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Poor you, it sounds tough! Just be honest, but… delicate, i guess you could call it. I don’t believe, in this day and age, with the way things are for everyone, that you should have to beg forgiveness for being skint! I thought we’d moved past that!

That said, I am surprised about one thing… here, the bride pays for the bm dresses, and the hair and make up. You buy your own shoes. The groom pays for the suits. I know my girls would have a wobbly if I asked them to spend that kind of money on a dress!

ETA we actually don’t do showers here at all, thank God! Enough expense around weddings without that!

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