(Closed) Am I asking for too much from my husband?

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 77
Member
1203 posts
Bumble bee

– Your husband “doesn’t want anyone knowing [your] business”

– Your husband “needs his sleep because he has a hard job”

– Your husband “doesn’t want to talk to his dad about a set schedule”.  He “is not willing to negotiate a time with his dad/boss so [you] can go to work without anxiety and rushing or being late”

– Your husband “just brushes off [your] emotions”, and he “makes [you] feel as if [you’re] being selfish”

– “I always say to him, can’t you do anything for yourself. His response is “of course but I like it better when you do it””

– “My husband doesn’t like day care because you don’t know who’s watching your child.”

DAMN GIRL. Where are YOU in all of this?  While it would be great if your husband woke up one day magically evolved into a caring, sensitive partner, it is pretty clear by now that he isn’t going to change.  And why would he?  He gets his meals cooked on demand, comes home to a clean house every day, doesn’t have to deal with the unpleasant parts of parenting like changing diapers and soothing upset kids, gets to sleep in on weekends AND gets to dictate how his household is run from the comfort of his throne, without lifting a finger.  If I was him, I would be “tired” all the time too!!  Of course things are “easier” if you stay home….easier for HIM.

Seriously, the only person who has any incentive for things to change is YOU.  You are the only one suffering here, so you have to be the catalyst for change.  He doesn’t want to help with family chores? Ok fine, but he can cook his own meals and wash his own laundry, since apparently he is about doing things that only benefit oneself.  He doesn’t pay attention to his alarms?  Fine, turn them off as soon as they ring: if he is late for work every day, that is his own problem.

Your children are not going to die, if you start taking some time for yourself.  You know what is even more important than a physically present mother?  A happy mother. A mother who is not exhausted and burned out and frustrated.  Someone who is happy to spend time with them when she does.  I don’t think you are doing your children any favors by being snappish and tired all the time, not to mention teaching them that marriage is about one partner doing everything they want and the other one martyring themselves.

Post # 79
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Having a family is a team effort. It sounds like your husband works 40 hours per week and you are on 24/7. That would drive anyone crazy. Being a financial provider does not make a person a good husband or father. It’s concerning that he does not WANT to help out HIS wife to make her more healthy or WANT to sometimes spend some time with his beautiful babies for a bit before work. It sounds like he may resent you for staying  home. Couples counseling and you reaching out to mom’s groups (Meetup or something) may provide some help here. 

Post # 80
Member
1560 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

There’s a lesson in this… Don’t marry a man who doesn’t value the work it takes to be a sahm. My husband thinks it more important, valuable and demanding than any paying job and we don’t even have children yet. Both of us grew up with sahms and we value our own moms very much for the years of sacrifice and love.

Anyways, that doesn’t help you. I echo everyone else, you’re not asking too much. 

I have a close friend who gets her kids to nap/have quiet time every day for a couple hours like twice a day. They’re 1 and 4. During that time she naps too or has a long bath etc to get breaks. 

Just an idea for ‘quick’ fixes. Can you ask DH parents to babysit? Or organise sleep overs? Car pool with other moms? Just anything to free up some of your time really?? 

🙁

Post # 81
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
Devstarrrr :  Is he a dictator or something? Everything you write is “my husband thinks” “my husband says” “my husband doesn’t like…” Where are you in all this Bee?! He won’t let you talk to friends or family about any problems. He won’t let you visit them. Is this all seriously okay with you? 

Post # 82
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

He sounds like a selfish douche fountain. I think you should talk to his dad about changing his schedule.

Post # 83
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

You should definitely have had a talk about job division and expectations BEFORE you had a child. If it’s too much working caring for 3, you should have held off on pregnancy till you were both on the same page. Having three young children to care for is really stressful and tiring. 

As it is too late to go back and redo things, you’ll just have to have a serious sit-down talk with your husband. Maybe you can look for a full-time job and switch roles. Or have him do everything for a weekend while you’re out and about with friends. You deserve a break as much as he does, and he may value your job as a Stay-At-Home Mom after experiencing it himself. 

Post # 84
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
Devstarrrr :  Its so easy to take care of three littles huh? I would book a girls trip for the weekend. Leave friday afternoon right when he comes home and return sunday night. Tell him hes in charge and let him see how easy you have it. 

Post # 85
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
livster :  totally agree. 

Post # 86
Member
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

These men who say “I’m doing this for you and the family” are BS because he’d be working anyway whether he had a family or not.

His job is from approx. 8-5 or so. Your job should have those hours as well. And when he is home it is a SHARED job- a partnership!  

Does he realize what he would be paying someone to do the job you do all day!?  You need to get those figures and show him your monetary worth since this seems to be something he values.

i salute you and all the stay at home mothers.  (And the person who suggested that you have the freedom to take a nap!? I’m still laughing!)

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