Post # 1
Hello fellow brides! This is my first post and I really need some advice.
My FH is originally from out of state. He has lived here for 10 years. He has many family and friends coming to the wedding who intend to stay for a week or so to visit. For all of them, this will be their first time coming to see him here. Because of their intention to stay, we are forgoing a honeymoon. I’m really starting to feel like the focus has shifted from being about our wedding to being a family reunion for them. There are events that have been planned where I’m not included and his guys have scheduled a fair amount of “male bonding time”. We have a baby together so it’s not like I can just plan activities with my girls while he’s occupied and I fear I’m going to get stuck entertaining his mom while he’s off playing (I hardly know her.) I’m a little bitter that I have to sacrifice a honeymoon for people who haven’t bothered to come see him in 10 years and it’s beginning to feel like I’m not even going to see him the entire time they are here.
Am I being a super-bitch? Sometimes I do feel happy for him that he’s going to get to spend time with them and show them what his life looks like here. But other times, I get really annoyed and my feelings get hurt because I no longer feel like a priority in the whole process. Mind you, I have planned this wedding by myself (he works, I don’t) and have had to accommodate an ever increasing guest list from his side. I feel like I have gone out of my way to help coordinate travel and lodging arrangements and provided information about local activities and attractions thinking people would entertain themselves to a certain degree. Sorry, this is turning into a tangent.
Am I being selfish and should I check myself?? Thanks!!
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Oh lord. I feel bad for you, hun. You’re not a freakin concierge, you’re the bride. Have a talk with him about how the wedding is spiing out of control into a family reunion. I get they’ll all excited beause they probably don’t get to get together often but still! You’re not in the wrong to feel how you feel.
Talk to him.
Post # 4
FI’s family lives in another state too and like your situation, many of his relatives are coming a week before the wedding to spend time and see our new house. I love his family, I really do, but I feel like that week is already going to be super stressful and busy. We are taking a long honeymoon so I can’t take off work while they’re here to spend time with them. I just found out that his parents, grandmother, sister & her FH and their two small children assumed they’d be staying at our house!! Our house isn’t super tiny, but its definitely not big enough to accommodate 9 people comfortably. Especially when we have one little yappy dog that hates strangers (they are all strangers to her) and will be barking nonstop and FSIL has a baby that will be 10 months old. I wake up at 4am to go to work – can we say no sleep for the week? Fiance is planning to tell them that they can’t stay with us, at least not all of them anyway.
I know they are excited for our wedding, but they are making tons of plans for all sorts of meals, events and outings. I do feel like the focus is being shifted a little bit to more of a family reunion vibe rather than the point of their visit – our wedding. ugh. I completely understand your stress and don’t blame you one bit!!
Post # 5
Can they come early instead of staying late? So you can do wedding stuff with Future Mother-In-Law and have a honeymoon after!
Post # 6
@BrandNewBride: lol theyre actually coming before and staying after. Theyll be here for 10 days with the wedding right in the middle. Plus theyre flights and everything are already booked.
Post # 7
@Lilysmomma26: You’re not being selfish at all. This is your wedding! I would be pissed off too.
Post # 8
Can’t you just postpont a honeymoon? Lots of my friends haven’t left immediately after the ceremony, but waited weeks or even months. I think you should be glad that his family wants to come out and spend time with you guys.
Post # 9
While you are planning, go ahead and plan a honeymoon for later this year. When things get rough with his family, picture yourself lying on the beach/skiing/on your honeymoon having a great time. So you don’t have to give up on it, just move it to a bit later.
Perhaps his mom can watch the baby while you have some girls night out with his femal relataives and your friends?
Post # 10
I would be very upset if he planned all kinds of events WITHOUT ME on the week of our wedding! If he is showing off his life to his friends back home, he should be showing you off along with it. You are part of it!!
Post # 11
@Lilysmomma26: TBH, I think you’re making a bigger deal out of it than needs to be made. Sure, it kind of sucks that you’re ‘forgoing’ a honeymoon to entertain your FH’s family, but they are excited about seeing him, and spending time with him (and, you/your child), and you should be excited to get to know them, and spend time with them, as well. You’re a member of their family, too, now.
Also, there’s no written law that says you can’t do a honeymoon a while after the wedding, either. My BIL and SIL didn’t go on their honeymoon (a cruise around the Mediterranean) until 11 months after their wedding, and Darling Husband and I haven’t been on a honeymoon, either, as he’s a college prof. and had a new term starting just days after the wedding (plus we’re saving)…
All-in-all, though, you’re not ‘wrong’ for feeling the way you do… I can understand why–but if it really bothers you that much, and you can’t see the other side of it, talk to your FH.
Post # 12
I don’t think you’re being a baby. I think that the part that is particularly bothersome to you is the whole being “left out” thing. I think that you should talk to your husband about all of this and come at him from that angle. Honestly, he should be trying to include you (and your child) in at least most of these activities. As you’ve said… this is supposed to be a time that is about you and him… not a huge reunion that is happening at a convenient time.
Also, definitely plan a delayed honeymoon!
Post # 13
I agree with what you are feeling, newly weds need their time together to really enjoy the honeymoon fase, so I think what you’re feeling is normal.
In the other hand there isn’t much you can do, I don’t think you should do or say anything that can cause resentness in his side of his family, and besides, you can also enjoy this time to get to know his family, that now is yours too, no?
I would however speak to your husband about the all situation, you being unconfortable being left to much time alone with people you don’t know really well so he can behave in a way that protects you from that.
Sorry you’re feeling bad **
Post # 14
Have you talked to him about it yet? It sounds as though you are just internalizing all your frustrations, which is only going to make things worse. Having these feelings does not make you a baby, but not talking to him about it does…b/c sooner or later it’s going to burst out of you and it’s going to be a bigger deal than it needs to be.
I get that he’s excited about his family coming, and I think it’s awesome that you willl get to spend some time with them, and even though you don’t know them, isn’t that the point? You’ll only feel stuck if you don’t like them…which you won’t know until you spend time with them!
I totally get being upset that he’s making plans without you, knowing you’ll have the baby most of the time. I’m in the same boat a lot. Maybe b/c he’s used to working and you being with the baby most of the time, he hasn’t thought this would be a problem for you. I only work part-time, but when I’m not working, I’m ‘in charge’ of our 2 year old…so I don’t get a lot of time for myself or friends, and he does whatever he wants, so I have to remind him that there are 3 of us in this family!
So just take a deep breath and sit down and talk to him…he’s probably just so caught up in his excitement that he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing. He needs to see that, though, so tell him.
Post # 15
Thank you all for you responses. It’s nice to get different perspectives.
@JFay: no, I haven’t talked to him yet. I really don’t want to make him feel bad but I am afraid it’s going to build up and I’m going to end up blowing up on him. My hormones are still a little out of whack (our daughter is only four months old) so im afraid Im just being psycho. plus, in my current hormonal state, i dont know how id handle it if he couldnt understand where I as coming from. I’ve tried to make subtle hints that it’d be nice to get away for a day or two after the wedding just to decompress but he’s so uninvolved in the planning process that the conversation doesn’t go much further than that.
Post # 16
I would just postpone the honeymoon. I’m all about family so I would make the most of his family coming. Make sure to get a ton of pics. And plan activities for everyone to do. I could see hoe your feelings could get hurt. Just try to take control of the situation & talk to your fi about how you feel. Welcome to the hive 🙂