Am I being a Grinch?

posted 9 months ago in Holidays
Post # 2
Member
1362 posts
Bumble bee

This was also a big issue with my husband and I at first. Luckily he has come around and realizes he too needs a break from his family.

I truly believe you need to draw the line at some point, and they will get over it. If not, it will continue to be a vicious cycle. And I don’t know about you, but I physically shut down when I spend TOO much time with the family, so I’m not much of a joy to be around anyways at that point. I’ve learned everyone is happier when the time dosages are managed and reasonable lol. I think going over at noon is very reasonable!

Post # 3
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Well that’s ridiculous. I would stay overnight on Christmas Day given you are going away with them the next day anyway – and get there around lunchtime. Who the hell asks someone to be at their house for 7am? We can’t – that’s all you need to say, not we don’t want to or anything else – we simply can’t. Regardless of the divide of time, it’s insane to expect you to get up at 5.30 am. If she is hurt she is hurt. It’s not real hurt and it will fade. 

Post # 5
Member
1479 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

We’re having the same issue, but you have to keep in mind that there’s a transition going on here.  I imagine you’ve probably only spent a few holiday seasons with your fiance – the “norm” in their family is that your fiance spends a lot of time with them over the holidays.  You guys will have to start setting boundaries and say something like, “oh, we’re available for Christmas dinner, but unfortunately we won’t be able to come over until around 2pm so we’ll miss breakfast.”  So essentially you have to take your time back (respectfully), and you need to be respectful of the fact that their family is changing, and allow them some transition time.  It will get better eventually.

Post # 6
Member
431 posts
Helper bee

Oh my god that is CRAZY. No, you are adults and don’t need to open gifts at 7am. I would put your foot down. What about if/when you do have kids and want to have your own traditions? What about wanting to just have the 2 of you traditions? Who cares if she is hurt. She is guilting you into ruining YOUR vacation. Fuck that. 

Post # 8
Member
1479 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

kat5 :  Yeah, then it just sounds like you’ve never drawn boundaries before, so they think it’s still the norm.  They’re not trying to be terrible, they just want as much time as they can.  It’s up to you guys to politely let them know that you have other plans/can’t make it/wish you could be there, etc.  It doesn’t have to be a big hairy deal though – it’s just a change in what they perceive as acceptable.

Post # 9
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Ugh, we are dealing with this as well. We are celebrating on the 23rd, and his mom and his sister want us over there ALL DAY. For breakfast, all the way through dinner. We don’t have to drive as far as you, but I feel ya. 

I am solving my issue by taking 2 cars to his mom’s house. It seems excessive, but I told him that I am happy to do breakfast and then leave for a while and come back for dinner, or that I am happy to do lunch and dinner, but I have stuff to do and I cannot do a whole day with his mom and overbearing sister. He actually agreed that being there for the whole day when we have a bunch of stuff to do didn’t make sense, so we are going over there around noon (maybe a little later). And I’ll have my car if I need to go home and let the dog out or if I need to leave for whatever reason. Just talk to your fiance, and if he wants to spend more time with them, then let him. You can sleep in and go over at an acceptable hour. 

Post # 10
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Sorry bee but low key sounds like ur fiance is a mommas boy who cant stand up for u.

She sounds so controlling i got anxiety just reading through your post. I agree w pp. Put your foot down especially of you already spend all.these xmas w them. Mil will tall shit regardless and you are going to see her anyways. For ur vaycay why csnt see just be understanding and be ok w you being w your family. Thats ugly and possessive. 

I personally hate being told what to do. It is is not fair for your family. They prob see you as “oh well she always spends xmas at his side” ive spent the last 3 xmas w my husband and this year my cousin invited my parents and my family over.  My mil is extremely similar to yours get offended when things dont go her way. She prefers to hear things from my husband rather than me so i told him to tell both his parents our holiday plans.

My husband perfers my happiness over his mothers displeasure.  

Unless you are that passive person who get ls strung along because you are afraid to voice your opinion and ride it though. Either tell her directly and firmly or have him do it.  But get it done. Set bounderies and prepare her for future xmas w your family. Alternate years. Something dont let the real grinch make xmas ugly

 

Post # 12
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

That’s crazy town. “That doesn’t work for us” should be your FI’s new mantra.

When do you and your Fiance get any time alone? Time to get some distance.

Post # 13
Member
3712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Nope! I’m one to wake up early just to spend extra time with family for Christmas but you’re just about yo go on a 5 day vacation with them… what’s the rush on xmas day?! I would just say “Sorry Mother-In-Law, we will be able to come over around noon” If she presses, you can cite a late night at your folks the night before or wanting to start a Christmas morning tradition with your Fiance, but really you dont need to explain yourself at all. At least your Fiance is willing to support you on this, thats great! 

Post # 14
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

I mean it sounds like your fiance is one board with arriving at noon, and if his mother makes a stink then he’s going to have to tell her to get over it.

Post # 15
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Eventually your fiance will realize that you and he are your own family unit and spending time off work with that pairing is arguably more important than spending time with his parents or yours. I would have a conversation with him and decide how you want to play the holidays as a married couple. Set a firm boundary and have a consistent “line” to feed both sets of parents (e.g. we will be able to do christmas eve with you. or we will be able to do christmas dinner with you). Setting this as a couple and then sticking to it will really help you out in years to come. Best of luck. I would be stressed at the thought of spending that much of my vacation with the in-laws. Oy. Definitely not a grinch. You’re being exceptionally accomodating.

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