Am I being a Grinch?

posted 10 months ago in Holidays
Post # 16
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

I definitely wouldn’t go spend breakfast to bedtime with them the day before a trip with them… I don’t even know that I would go at lunch time. I’d spend the evening with them then the long trip is more than enough. Your Fiance needs to let her know that you have family too, and you want to spend time with everyone.

Post # 17
Member
6660 posts
Bee Keeper

kat5 :  Should we insist on a compromise and ignore the guilt trip we’ll inevitably get?

Yes. 

My fiance hates displeasing his family

Sometimes he will have to choose between displeasing you or displeasing his family. As long as you are being reasonable he should be more concerned with displeasing you. I’d ask him to pick the five hours he’d most like to spend with his family on Christmas Day and stick to those. Eventually his family will get used to the idea that the two of you need some family time on your own. 

Post # 18
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I envisioned having this problem with my fiancé’s in laws last Christmas as that would have been our first Christmas Day spent together. My fiancé and I talked about it with each other before approaching our respective families. We agreed, Christmas Eve with my family as there are young children on my side and it’s fun when they are all excited for Christmas the next morning. We spend Christmas Day just the two of us then we do Boxing Day with his family, and kind of have a Christmas Day do over with them then. We spend equal time with families and Christmas Day is just for us. I only get 3 days off over Christmas though so there isn’t much wiggle room for someone to prioritise time. 

 

I defintely think some boundries need putting in place here. You can’t just keep giving into them 7am on Xmas day is ridiculous. It’s your Christmas too they have to take into account what you want. 

Post # 19
Member
3411 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You are not being a grinch. If Christmas Day was the only time you would be spending with them at all, then sure, I can see wanting to make the day longer (still think 7 AM is ridiculous though). But you’re spending almost a week with them! I’d show up around noon and stay til evening or perhaps overnight if you are all leaving together in the morning anyways. 

We host my fiance’s family at our house and as of now our plan is: dinner around 4:30/5ish, show up at some point mid-to-late morning or early afternoon, whatevs. No earlier than 10:30 AM because dis bish wants her sleep before spending several hours cooking an incredible dinner.

Post # 20
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

My family is like your husband’s and at some point he’s just got to put his foot down.

For years I just did anything and everything my family requested and because I grew up with it I didn’t realize it was unusual. But when you’re a married adult it just gets to be too much and you have to draw a line – for the sake of your marriage and your sanity. 

Don’t fretfully apologize over it. You’re not doing anything wrong and it will only make them think that they can continue pressuring you to go by their schedule. Just tell them your plans as a matter of fact – You’re all grown ups so you can make plans together like grownups.

ETA – I did get guilt trips the first year or so, but eventually they get used to it. 

Post # 21
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Life is full of disappointments.  Your Darling Husband needs to realize Mother-In-Law can be disappointed and it won’t kill her.

Post # 22
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

That sounds exhausting. I need time to decompress by myself even with people I adore and love to spend time with. It’s just a need I have and I don’t fight it. And people who suffocate me like your Mother-In-Law for example, I would need to decompress more. 

I used to try to people please like your husband but our time is limited. I need to spend at least a good chunk of MY time how I want. I noticed time for things I wanted to do was slipping and I left nothing for myself and you know what? That’s not ok. 

Go when you can. If noon works for you tell them noon. But you’re spending vacation with them too. I hope on your vacation you take time to see sights for yourselves as well. You don’t have to be joined at the hip the whole time. 

Post # 23
Member
6606 posts
Bee Keeper

mg2345 :  I don’t even know that I would go at lunch time. 

I’m in this boat. You’re already spending 4 days with them afterwards, why do you need to spend the ENTIRE day before too? Ridiculous! I’d push back and do dinner and stay over. Spend the day together relaxing. 

Post # 24
Member
1587 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

kat5 :  I feel your pain. The last 2 year, we have spend Christmas day from waking up-heading home to go to bed. It’s exhausting. Last year, we had planned to be with my family for Christmas day, since we had been with his the prior, but SIL told us Christmas was her only day off, so my family (willingly) changed plans so we could accommodate her schedule. Ended up that she had the day before and after off also, which irritated me since my family changed their plans.

So, this year we told SILs, Brother-In-Law, and M/FIL that we would be with my family this year on Christmas day, so that we would need to do something with them another day. This was three months ago. Last week, Darling Husband asked them when we would be able to get together for Christmas and SIL replied saying we will be doing Christmas day as a family on Christmas day..so she completely disregarded the fact that we told her we would be with my family. We are putting our foot down this year and told his family we would not be attending. They told us we needed to try and split the day, but we are refusing, as that was not an option the last two years for them. It really sucks when there is family tension during the holidays, but we aren’t letting them dictate our schedule anymore. 

I hope you guys can work something out that works for you and Darling Husband. Don’t worry about everyone else. They will learn to adapt, and if they don’t, you will see where you rank as far as being a priority to them. We have definitely learned that this year. 

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