Post # 1
Before I start I just want to let everyone know I’m open to criticism and I’m here to
Seek honest advice not just what people think I would like to hear. So I have been happily married to a great man for the past two years. My husband and I don’t argue about typical marital problems such as infidelity and finances. Our biggest strife is…. here it comes…. my mother in law.
I will start by saying one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was because he is such a good family man. My husband is the only child his parents are divorced dad is happily remarried and mom is not
With that being said my husband is 100 percent the emotional rock for his mother. He tells me all the time that he is the ONLY thing in this world that makes his mother happy. Although she has a great job and has many family and friends around her. Even her parents live next to her and are in their 80s and are doing very well.
My mother in law doesn’t like me or my family. She is very rude and unwelcoming when they are around. Even though we always invite and include her in everything. I also often find that she says many things to my husband that makes him feel manipulated (although he doesn’t see it that way) she tells him that if he doesn’t come visit they he doesn’t love her and we live so far (30 minutes away) that he is to far to help take care of his grandparents and her.
My relationship with her started off rocky at the very beginning when she wants me and my husband to move into her house (the house my husband grew up in) and she would move out and get her own place. I don’t feel comfortable in their neighborhood for certain reasons and it was way to far from my job. She then accused me of trying to take my husband away from his family. Which I never would do that. I have strong values as well. I just believe at this point in our lives we need to be doing what’s good for our life and marriage not what’s good for his mom.
Ok let’s get to it….. vacation. I’m all about family vacations parents are fleeting and I want my husband to spend time with his mom as well as my family. Last year and the year before we took his mom to Atlanta and we also took her to Washington DC. It was just me my husband and her. So before we met my husband and her has a tradition where every year they would go on an amazing trip to somewhere new around the world. They have been everywhere from India, to ItAly and even China together. The last big trip he has with her was the year we got married they went to India together it was about two years ago. She keeps telling my husband that the only time she’s happy is when they are traveling together…. so now this year in October (they are leaving the day after our anniversary) to go to Japan and Tailand together for over two weeks. And no…. I wasn’t invited. I am a school teacher so I can travel anytime anywhere for 2 and a half months during the summer… my Mother-In-Law secretly planned this trip for October. My husband says of course I’m invited. But I can’t help to feel left out. Even though I can’t go due to work I feel like of all the times I have seen my Mother-In-Law she could have at least asked me if I wanted to go. Anyways…. this trip is just an example of many things that take place with her in our marriage. I feel so left out and so hurt…. it’s actually making me feel so angry and resentful towards my husband. I don’t know if my feelings are normal. I want him to spend time and enjoy things with his mom I just feel like a long trip to Asia is a bit over board. I have tried telling him how I feel and he keeps telling me that of course she wants me to come even though I know it’s not true. I feel like the other woman in my own marriage. Please someone tell me if I’m being unfair to my husband I’m just so hurt. I would like to get options from other ladies. Am I the one with the issues… if so I need to know so that I can address them and make them better for the sake of my marriage.
Post # 2
You aren’t the one with issues. I would feel the exact same way. I would have a long talk with your husband. If this is how I was being treated it might be a deal breaker for me if he wasn’t willing to admit there was an issue and working on it.
Post # 3
I don’t think you are being a jerk at all. From the way you’ve framed things, it sounds like you try to be really inclusive and considerate of his family. Going on vacation with your Mother-In-Law is above and beyond in my opinion.
I think your Mother-In-Law has major issues letting go of her son and that he’s enabling her. You aren’t going to change your Mother-In-Law, unfortunately, but ou can work on this with your DH. I think you and your DH need to have some honest conversations about ths, not tainted with resentment or hostility (I can imagine that you try to repress your feelings and then they end up being expressed in anger). I would consider seeing a marriage counselor to try to get help with this, or at least reading a book together about it.
FWIW, I don’t htink that the fact that they take a yearly trip together is crazy (it’s kind of cool actually) but the fact that you feel so left out indicates this is part of a bigger problem.
Post # 4
I’m of two minds. 1) You knew the dynamic and married in anyway. Were you expecting things to change just because you got married? and 2) The trip to Asia is rude. They know you are a teacher and can’t go then.
My suggestion: Couples counseling. I used to roll my eyes too when people suggest it but it works. You need to figure out a way to be heard and respected or you are on a slippery slope of unhappiness probably leading to divorce.
Post # 5
FYI, this appears to be posted twice under both Married Life and Family.
Post # 6
Nope, you are NOT being a jerk.
‘What you are describing has a name: emotional incest. Your Mother-In-Law is USING your DH as a surrogate spouse and he believes he is there to meet HER emotional needs. Usually Bee, in healthy family dynamics, its parents who meet their children’s needs. When the opposite gets established things have really gone awry.
I second, or third, the motion for couples counseling and you may want to read this book:
Post # 7
First, I’ll say this. I realize I am getting YOUR side of the story. If we got her side than some of these things would probably sound different.
Based on how you describe this it is unhealthy.
Children should honor their parents but when someone gets married their mate becomes their priority in life. Not the parent. Some of these things sound a little too much like he is putting her first.
Example, when I got married my spouse had several Christmas traditions they did, setting up the tree and decorating this little “Christmas Town” underneath it, having a baking/cookie night and some other things. When we started dating we kept doing those things but after a couple of years we dropped out of some to start our OWN traditions.
Expecting that he will take her on a trip every year with or without you seems a bit much.
The boundaries sounds unhealthy and it sounds like your hubby may need to cut the cord and set some better boundaries. Love the mom, honor the mom, try and visit her but you and your new family are the priority and that should always come first. Did he talk to you about the trip first or just agree to go on it with his mom and THEN inform you what HE’S already planned?
Post # 8
For me, for my husband no matter who he goes with and even there is no problem with them, it is to much for pleasure trip. More then 2 weeks for business, more then 2 weeks for job, more then 2 weeks to care for sick parent, OK. More then two weeks for pleasure trip, no … unless it is some type of “once in life” special thing I cannot join or some reason.
Will this be the tradition every year now, he goes with her away for more then 2 weeks and you can come or not, they will go have fun?
To say this must end is not unreasonable. He is a married man.