(Closed) Am I being a jerk?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
1385 posts
Bumble bee

You aren’t the one with issues. I would feel the exact same way. I would have a long talk with your husband. If this is how I was being treated it might be a deal breaker for me if he wasn’t willing to admit there was an issue and working on it.

Post # 3
4835 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
Shopgirlsoflo :  I don’t think you are being a jerk at all.  From the way you’ve framed things, it sounds like you try to be really inclusive and considerate of his family.  Going on vacation with your Mother-In-Law is above and beyond in my opinion.  

I think your Mother-In-Law has major issues letting go of her son and that he’s enabling her.  You aren’t going to change your Mother-In-Law, unfortunately, but ou can work on this with your DH.  I think you and your DH need to have some honest conversations about ths, not tainted with resentment or hostility (I can imagine that you try to repress your feelings and then they end up being expressed in anger).  I would consider seeing a marriage counselor to try to get help with this, or at least reading a book together about it.

FWIW, I don’t htink that the fact that they take a yearly trip together is crazy (it’s kind of cool actually) but the fact that you feel so left out indicates this is part of a bigger problem.  

Post # 4
1168 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m of two minds.  1) You knew the dynamic and married in anyway.  Were you expecting things to change just because you got married?  and 2) The trip to Asia is rude.  They know you are a teacher and can’t go then.  


My suggestion: Couples counseling.  I used to roll my eyes too when people suggest it but it works.  You need to figure out a way to be heard and respected or you are on a slippery slope of unhappiness probably leading to divorce.  

Post # 5
2761 posts
Sugar bee

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Shopgirlsoflo :  FYI, this appears to be posted twice under both Married Life and Family. 

Post # 6
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Nope, you are NOT being a jerk. 

‘What you are describing has a name: emotional incest. Your Mother-In-Law is USING your DH as a surrogate spouse and he believes he is there to meet HER emotional needs. Usually Bee, in healthy family dynamics, its parents who meet their children’s needs. When the opposite gets established things have really gone awry. 

I second, or third, the motion for couples counseling and you may want to read this book:



Post # 7
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

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Shopgirlsoflo :  

First, I’ll say this. I realize I am getting YOUR side of the story. If we got her side than some of these things would probably sound different.

Based on how you describe this it is unhealthy.

Children should honor their parents but when someone gets married their mate becomes their priority in life. Not the parent. Some of these things sound a little too much like he is putting her first.

Example, when I got married my spouse had several Christmas traditions they did, setting up the tree and decorating this little “Christmas Town” underneath it, having a baking/cookie night and some other things. When we started dating we kept doing those things but after a couple of years we dropped out of some to start our OWN traditions.

Expecting that he will take her on a trip every year with or without you seems a bit much.

The boundaries sounds unhealthy and it sounds like your hubby may need to cut the cord and set some better boundaries. Love the mom, honor the mom, try and visit her but you and your new family are the priority and that should always come first. Did he talk to you about the trip first or just agree to go on it with his mom and THEN inform you what HE’S already planned?

Post # 8
268 posts
Helper bee

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Shopgirlsoflo :  For me, for my husband no matter who he goes with and even there is no problem with them, it is to much for pleasure trip. More then 2 weeks for business, more then 2 weeks for job, more then 2 weeks to care for sick parent, OK. More then two weeks for pleasure trip, no … unless it is some type of “once in life” special thing I cannot join or some reason.

Will this be the tradition every year now, he goes with her away for more then 2 weeks and you can come or not, they will go have fun?

To say this must end is not unreasonable. He is a married man. 

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