(Closed) Am I being crazy and unfair to DH

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

That would really upset me.  I’ve had major fights with exes who game, so I feel ya girl!

Can you come to an agreement on “if you get xyz done, then you can game as much as you want after”?  Maybe that will motivate him.  Then, just make sure he is accessible when he’s gone, and it puts the ball in his court to get the tasks done.

As for the rollover thing, you might want to pick your battles.  Maybe mention that you would like that, but I would focus more on the tasks that need to get done.  We got SO MUCH less done after baby arrived, and I ended up fighting a lot with Darling Husband because I resented him not getting things done.  I kid you not, he waited until I was in full on active labor to finish packing what I’d set out for the hospital bag, and then he still couldn’t find stuff when I needed it while in unmedicated labor!  I think for some guys it just doesn’t hit them until there is actually a baby in front of them, and then it is “too late” to get those things done.

I would let him get some fun time in, though, bc it might be a long time before he can game again.  You might want to get some marriage after baby books.  I wish I’d read these BEFORE baby arrived!  One thing is says is to say what you WANT not what you DON’T want, so try to emphasize that when you do talk.

Good luck!

Post # 4
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I have to agree with @cannotwait: . I would be SO pissed if Fiance decided to do car stuff to the max when there were other more important things to get done. Especially if it had to do with a LIVING being!

But yes, talking to him is your first step. Make sure you’re calm and collective when you do it. I tend to have a major break down when things like this come around and that just causes stress for no reason.

I like the agreement on “this and this needs to be done first”.

Post # 5
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Lozza: before I do that I like to know whether to frame it as “I’m hormonal and I’m sorry I’m crazy, but here is how I feel” or “You are a schmuck because of the following reasons, and the internet agrees with me.”…

I think the first one will go over better. 🙂

But yeah, you should talk to him. I’m sure you two can work out a compromise. 

Post # 6
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

When I read your first paragraph, I thought your hubs was being a bit of a jerk wanting to game so much. But then after reading your second paragraph, I realized that he might be feeling that this is one of his last chances to get it in a lot before the baby comes.

I would compromise with him. Maybe he could stay home with you Friday night, so he’s not out Thurs/Fri/Sat? Maybe you guys could try to get a lot done on Saturday morning, and have some errands/tasks planned for all-day Sunday. Or make a list of what needs to be done, and mention to him that you guys need to try to get all of it done. So if he wants to go gaming Thurs pm, Fri pm, Sat pm, then he’ll have to get this stuff done around those times. And if it isn’t done, then you guys should probably spend next weekend doing it.

He might be MORE motivated to get things done this weekend, so it doesn’t cut into his time.

But don’t come down on him too hard. I’ve heard that some guys feel like their “old” life is over when a baby comes, so he might be trying to “get it all in” before the baby comes. And in reality, he’s probably not going to be able to go out all that much for the first few weeks. It might be good for him to have two big gaming weekends in a row before the baby gets here– because maybe he’ll be more focused when the baby comes. 

So I don’t think you’re being crazy irrational, but I do think you should try to look at it from his side too! GOOD LUCK!

Post # 7
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

It seems like a lot to me. I would be a little put off until some kind of compromise was met. Why can’t he do some, but not all days? Or one weekend, but not the other. That way he gets to blow off a little steam before the baby arrives, but you also have time to get some things done and can savor what’s left of your baby-free couple time.

Post # 8
2820 posts
Sugar bee

Not crazy, I had a similar discussion with my husband this weekend.  We’ve been traveling every weekend and I’m in my 32nd week and it’s making me exhausted.  There’s also stuff I’m a bit more limited in what I can get done or want his opinion on, stuff that needs to be bought and thrown away and it needs to get done NOW.  But there’s just plans for like every weekend so we’ll have to figure something out.

Post # 9
2561 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would also recommend taking the compromise approach. Ask him to give up one of the weekends to get stuff prepared for the baby, and let him have the other weekend for gaming. Or, make a list of things that need to be done, and phrase it this way: “I understand that you want to get a lot of gaming in before the baby is born, but I am really anxious about you spending all that time gaming unless we get X, Y, Z done. Once this list is done, I will have no problem with you going out gaming. It would really help to ease my mind and make me less anxious”

Post # 10
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i would let him game one weekend. make the other weekend your “last weekend without kids” and try to relax and connect with each other!

Post # 11
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Our home and the two acres it sits on

So, we have to go through this too, and what drives me nuts is the idea of even having to SAY: Um, we have this kid coming?

Why am I the one responsible for reminding us that this kiddo needs a room?  He’s the dad, he’s half of the cause, ya know?

So I would be pissed… hell, I am pissed every time this comes up.  But I don’t have a solution, sorry.

Post # 12
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I did not read the responses but here’s what I think.

You have two weekends max before the baby comes and your Darling Husband wants to spend both weekends gaming? Um, no. I can tell you right now, my feelings would be really hurt. He should want to spend at least one of those weekends with you and just you, before your baby comes and he won’t have you to himself very often, ever again.

Also, you mentioned that there are a ton of baby-related things that need to be done, and he should be doing those things with you “helping” (meaning hanging out pregnant, hehe). Maybe I’m naive since I don’t have kids yet, but isn’t building first baby’s crib and nesting in the nursery supposed to be a somewhat bonding experience, in preparation of the new baby? I don’t think your mom and sister should have to do those things. Your Darling Husband would be letting his gaming get in the way of his real life responsibilities.

I would compromise and say that if he commits to spending one last pre-baby weekend with you, relaxing together and enjoying the quiet, as well as knocking some items off the Baby To-Do list, then you won’t be upset if he games one weekend. Seems like a fair compromise to me.

ETA: I would make sure that the bonding/ prep weekend is first, and then his gaming weekend is the following weekend, in case baby decides to come early… If it does come down to it, you two getting everything prepped for the baby is a higher priority than his gaming.

Post # 13
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t think it’s crazy at all.  I am a bit of a gamer, and so is my husband.  A three-day weekend followed by another weekend is a bit much under NORMAL circumstances.  And with your due-date fast approaching, I don’t think these are normal circumstances.  I could see going for a day or two the first weekend, but certainly not all three days and certainly not two weekends in a row.  You do want him to have one last hurrah before the baby is born, but if you are ill and that close to being due…well, if it were me I would want him there with me.

Post # 14
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’d just make sure he knows how you feel.  (if you have to ask here on the bee.. it’s normally a big deal).  Let him know what your expectations are and then listen to his. 

Post # 15
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

No that’s ridiculous – even if you WEREN’T about to have a baby.

If he’s going to spend 3 days this weekend gone “pretending to be a dwarf” (I love that description) then he doesn’t need to next weekend. It’s not like he’ll NEVER be able to do it again – just not for a while.

I think you two should plan to spend some time together and finish anything so you can relax and enjoy the calm before the storm. Things shouldn’t be left for your mom and sister to do – because I’m sure you’ll have plenty for them to do anyway.

Plus it’s not like you get to put down your belly and go out clubbing for the next couple of weekends – I don’t think it’s crazy to ask him to spend one of the two weekends with you.

Post # 16
165 posts
Blushing bee

So you’re only a few days away from the magical 37 week full-term milestone  where “could be any day” takes on new meaning, and instead of it being a wake-up call for hubby to step up and get everything ready for baby, it’s viewed as a last hurrah countdown…I mean why do things now when the due date isn’t tomorrow?  Babies always come according to plan, right? :).  Yeah, you could say I can relate and no, I don’t think you’re being crazy.  I’m 38 weeks and just about lost it when I waddled out of the bedroom last night after a couple of hours of dealing with laundry, vaccuuming, & organizing for baby only to find Darling Husband lounging on the couch taking it easy “because he won’t be able to that once baby’s here”.  He’s really not a lazy guy, but right now I feel like he just doesn’t get it with all of the things we have yet to do to be ready. 

There’s a scene from a Jen Anniston/Vince Vaughn movie that keeps running through my head where they’re arguing about dirty dishes after a dinner party and she says “I don’t want you to do the dishes.  I want YOU to WANT to do the dishes.”   …I want DH to WANT to figure out what we have left to do without me having to make a list, I want him to WANT to put together one of the half dozen baby gear things we have that are too heavy for me to handle on my own, I want him to WANT to take on some more of the chores/errands I usually do so I don’t have to deal with them…I know, a little delusional and we have a talk of our own coming.  I understand guys wanting to get some “guy time” in before baby whether that’s with friends, playing a game online, or relaxing with March Madness, but when it’s at the expense of big picture priorities, you aren’t feeling supported, or it skirts the line of procrastination or aloofness, I think there needs to be a conversation and some compromise (on both parts).   Schmuck…eh, maybe, but lame/selfish/irresponsible/unreasonable…yes.  Lots of luck.

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