Post # 1
Good morning Bees!
My SO and I have been dating for a little over 8 years and it has always been pretty serious. He is 13 months younger than his brother and they’re very close. His brother and his girlfriend have been dating now for 5 years. His family loves his brothers girlfriend, and I always feel like the blacksheep, even though nothing negative has every happened.
Over Christmas my SOs brother proprosed to his girlfriend, of course she said yes! I am a little bit hurt that they are engaged before us since we have been together 3 years longer, and I have always thought that my relationship would get better with his parents when I become part of the family before his brothers girlfriend does. I know that sounds pety, and dramatic, but that’s how I was thinking.
Anyway, now his parents are more in love with SO’s brothers fiance, and everything is about her. To add the injury to insult she got a 2 carat heirloom ring which I have been gaga over since the day I met my SO. I am also upset for my SO because his brother, whom he would do anything for, didn’t even tell him that he was going to propose, which also hurt my SO.
Am I being over dramatic? Is it justifiable for me to be upset for a while then move past it. I am trying to be supportive, but am really hurt over the whole situation, and now feel even more like less of the family.
Post # 2
I say allow yourself a short pity party then buck up. Unless you two use this as motivation to advance your relationship along the hurt feelings are pretty useless.
Post # 3
While it does suck that you’re feeling sad about not being engaged as well as the ring, it almost sounds like you might have not gotten that ring anyways. Your SO is younger and they love BILs gf. I feel like she would have gotten it instead of you either way, which would only make you more upset.
Post # 4
I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all! She got engaged first, they like her better AND she got the heirloom ring? I get that we all have different timelines, but I’m not sure I’d be able to handle losing out on the heirlooom!
The thing is, you don’t have to do anything wrong and nothing negative needs to happen for people to just not “get” you, jive with you, etc. I’ve said this before: It’s personal, but don’t take it personally. This is the dynamic you have now. You may not like it, but there’s really nothing you can do other than perhaps try harder to spend more quality time with them?
Fiance has a sister that was always the favourite. She could do no wrong and everyone organized lives around her. She even treats them kind of like crap and they still bend over backwards. I noticed it, but I didn’t CARE because it’s just the way it was. What can I do about it? The same thing as you: Nothing, lol. Just love yourself, your role in this family, your SO and take it from there.
Post # 5
I think you are directing your hurt feelings at Future Brother-In-Law and his new fiancee, rather than at your SO, where they properly belong.
It’s not his brother’s fault that your SO has dated you for 8 years and not proposed.
Post # 6
Spend a minute or two nursing your bruised ego over not getting the attention and jewelry you expected and move on like a grown up. You were never entitled to another family’s heirloom and not everyone you meet is going to adore you by default. If you want to be close to his family, work on that shit right now, every day–don’t wait until you’re engaged and then set yourself up for getting butthurt again when they’re not fawning over you as much as you would like.
Post # 7
You can mourn the chance to use the heirloom ring as your engagement ring, but I think you have to buck up and deal with the rest. Their relationship status and her relationship with your in-laws should have no effect on your relationship with your SO or his parents. Of course they’re excited and welcoming to her – she’s about to become family. I’m sure when your SO proposes, they’ll be excited to welcome you to the family as well.
Post # 8
Live your own life, and focus on your relationship instead of theirs. It’s not a race to get engaged, and it’s not a game to “win” a spot in the family. A ring, 2 carat or otherwise, won’t change anything.
Post # 9
I thought the same thing. Just because OP liked it doesn’t mean anything…it was likely meant for the bride of the eldest son anyway (as antiquated as that is). Plus they got engaged first, so seems pretty reasonable to me.
+1, as usual 😉
Post # 10
You’re entitled to your feelings, but they don’t have any obligation to let anyone know their plans before they happen. The heirloom sucks, but it’s ultimately a small, materialistic, superficial thing. They’re focusing on the couple because they’re now fiance/es, and have a wedding to plan.
Getting married is not a race for in law’s affections or heirloom rings. Every relationship moves to the beat of a different drum.
Post # 11
I get how you’re feeling OP, and I sympathize. I’m sorry. I would have a long talk with your SO about it though; I do think that part of your hurt feelings may be redirected at your Future Brother-In-Law and his fiance, rather than at your own SO. 8 years and he still hasn’t proposed? Does he know how important it is to you? I would have a serious talk about how their engagement is making you feel in relation to your OWN relationship, and see what he says. You may be pleasantly surprised!
Post # 12
You’ll win your bf’s family over by being gracious and happy for the engaged couple.
…then go home and eat a whole pint of ben & jerry’s.
I think your feelings are totally understandable, but don’t let them eat away at you or unintentionally damage your relationship with his family.
Post # 13
I had (have) a similar situation: started dating SO before his brothers started dating their GFs, but had to go to TWO of his brother’s weddings before my SO even proposed. The family adores the other two SILs and they fawn over each other, and I’m often left out (but then gossiped about). I don’t feel like a fit in, and certianly don’t feel valued compared to how they treat the other SILs.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter! My husband picked ME and loves ME. That’s what matters 🙂 The other stuff would be nice, but it’s just icing. I got the cake 😀
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2016 - New Orleans, LA
I won’t lie…I would have been hurt too and really pissed at SO for not proposing to me after 8 years (i had to wait alsmot 6 myself). BUT Since your SO is younger, I will echo what PP said about FBIL gettin the heirloom either way. I guess we will never know. None of this is FBIL’s fault of course. He has dated his Girlfriend for 5 years. He is the oldest and heirlooms of this nature are typically passed this way. Also, why does Future Brother-In-Law have to tell his brother he is going to propose? He could have wanted to surprise him with the happy news as well. I am sorry you are upset, it sucks to felt looked over. I know that feeling all too well while waiting on a proposal. Good luck!
Post # 15
I wouldn’t care at all about the heirloom ring- you may have hoped for it but you weren’t in any way entitled to it. A ring is special because of the sentiment behind it, so if you and your SO get engaged, your own e-ring will be very special to you.
Ohhh, I gotta admit though- I would care bigtime that they were engaged after 5 years while you’ve been together 8. I would still be incredibly happy for SO’s brother & his fiance, but would be pouting inwardly that I was still waiting for my ring. (And I imagine I would make this known to my SO when we were alone and could talk). Did you both start dating when you were very young? Have you had a talk with SO about your future and any plans for a proposal? This is on your SO- at 8 years you are going to have family and friends that haven’t dated as long getting engaged, he needs to let you know (if he hasn’t already) what his intentions are.
Please realize if you feel ‘less like family’ this is just a projection of your unhappiness that your SO hasn’t proposed yet. Of course they’re happy and excited to welcome the new fiance into the family- this isn’t a slight on you. I think you’re feeling that she’s officially ‘fiance of…’ while you’re still in the dating category- but this is your SO’s doing, not his parents or brother’s.
If you sense they like her better, you may be overly sensitive or they may indeed connect better with her- I’m not the favoured one in FI’s family either, though like you it’s nothing outwardly negative. But keep in mind that you’re the one your SO loves and has chosen.
As for the brother not telling your SO about his engagement- leave that one btw the brothers. I can see your SO being disappointed his brother didn’t share when they’re so close, but it’s also the brother’s call. Has there been friction between you and your SO regarding him not proposing yet and is it possible he’s shared this with his brother? The brother may have felt awkward telling him if this is the case and put it off/ decided to keep it to himself.