Am I being inconsiderate?

posted 3 years ago in Guests
  • poll: Is it inconsiderate for me to ask people to show up on a weekday.
    No, its your day do what you want. : (132 votes)
    42 %
    Yes, it is rude/ doesn't matter cost. : (102 votes)
    33 %
    Yes, but i get why. : (69 votes)
    22 %
    I am not sure. : (8 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 151
    Member
    2631 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    I’m in the ‘do what you want’ camp- but also don’t be surprised or upset if a lot of people decline.

    Post # 152
    Member
    1225 posts
    Bumble bee

    bellsprout :  A wedding ISN’T about the guests – it’s about the marriage”

    I fundamentally disagree here: a wedding should not be confused for the marriage at all. A wedding is a party. The bride and groom are the hosts. Just like any other party, the hosts should try to make the event enjoyable for their guests.

    OP, it does sound like your attitude towards wedding planning may need an adjustment, only because you don’t want this single day to affect your life long-term. You are fighting with your future in-laws, which is a terrible start to your new and hopefully long lasting relationship with them. You are thinking of your intended guests in terms of who cares about you vs those who can jump in ditches, instead of remembering that these are your beloved friends and family who have supported you till this point. You are taking on a considerable financial burden.

    Take a step back. If you really don’t want a wedding, whether it is on a weekend or weekday, don’t have one, plain and simple. You should not feel bullied into this expensive and time-consuming project.

    If you do want a wedding, why don’t you think about previous weddings you have attended as a guest and ask yourself what you enjoyed about them. Personally, the weddings where I felt the hosts put a lot of thought (not necessarily money) into what their guests would enjoy were the most fun.

    Post # 153
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    MrsBeck :  wow. Thanks for the insight! Yeah that’s not the easiest of situations. I can see why people have to be selective about time off! 

    Post # 154
    Member
    2928 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    livster :  All of this.

    OP, if you don’t want a wedding, don’t have one.  Or have a very small one with immediate family only.  But don’t take out your frustration on your guests and have it at a time where the vast majority cannot come.  If I was invited to a wedding for a close family member and it was on a weekday and there was no way I could take off of work, then I would be really upset and feel bad that I couldn’t make it.

    Post # 155
    Member
    1365 posts
    Bumble bee

    livster :  +10000000. This is what I was getting at.

    I stand by my comment. If someone thinks that “people who don’t care enough to show up can jump in a ditch”, I’d much rather know that ahead of time since I now know how much I mean to THEM, which is not at all. 

    FWIW, I have to save my PTO for medical reasons so I can continue to get paid during my recovery from a second brain surgery. And because I have to take so much time off for that, I’m not allowed to take off unpaid time. No matter how good a friend you are, I cannot take a day off of work for you or I risk losing my job. 

    Post # 156
    Member
    8449 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Virginia Kingsford :  

    I just can’t imagine wanting to put off getting married for a year and a half in order to spend big money that sounds very hard come by . The only reason to do so seems to to have a big fancy party ,and you aren’t going to get that by planning a daytime midweek wedding .

    I’m  with all the pps who say for goodness sake, elope or have a nice tiny wedding in a park or something. No shame  in not having  much money , but silly to  constrain your life so as to act as if you have .

    ETA I belatedly saw how many pages  of resposnes , some of them seemingly  not to do with the task at hand too!  So I missed your rather cross updates and the reasons for feeling forced to do a big wedding in the first place.

    You know OP it sounds like things have been a bit hard in  recent times, your  illness and all. So even more  I would say just tell eveybody that you and he have decided you are not going to do a big bash in the far future , but a small one,  much sooner. Doesn’t  that sound  nice to you?  

    Post # 157
    Member
    154 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    Virginia Kingsford :  just making sure I got this right, you and your SO have a combined income of 60K and plan on paying off 20k + saving 10k for the wedding within the next 1 1/2 yrs? I would recalculate that – I am worried you overestimate your savings potential.

    Post # 158
    Member
    23 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    When I got engaged I was 20 years old, in college and made just about enough money for food and gas and that’s it. My fiance was also 20 and had a pretty crappy job. We decided to wait until we were financially stable. We’re 23 now with awesome jobs, we finally set our date (a Friday night since its cheaper) we are both soooo glad we waited. It feels good to be able to give yourself almost your dream wedding. My advice is if you wait you might end up happier with the result and feel a greater sense of pride and accomplishment with planning.

    Overall I think you guys should wait until you can afford a little more

    Post # 159
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee

    btob17 :  If you can’t say “no” to an invite because you feel obligated, that’s your issue. You are responsible for your mental wellbeing, not others. No one is forcing anyone to go. And I call BS on you suggesting that people come to weddings because they feel obligated. Like some sort of social contract they can’t get out of. People don’t even come to weddings anymore. I was just talking to someone who owns a venue and he said if the couple invites 250 MAYBE 100 will show. That is more the norm nowadays. Not your idea that people feel forced, and that’s why they come. I agree with couper, if you have the attitude that it’s an obligation then, then I don’t want you at the wedding. 

    Post # 160
    Member
    468 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2016

    Mine was on a Wednesday morning right after Christmas. Fortunately, moat people were off of work or school anyway, so we still had about 130 people or something.

    Post # 161
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee

    redmango :  So by your logic, no one should ever invite out of town guest to their weddings because they will have to spend money to get there. Yet people do this all the time, and I’m guessing you’re doing it for your wedding, which makes you a hypocrite. I have zero family where I live, and they are all scattered around the states including Hawaii. So according to you, I shouldn’t have a wedding at all because I’m “making” people travel regardless of where I have it. Well, I’m not making people do anything and contrary to what you believe we’ve had many people say our decision was a smart one. To spend 20k on a two-week vacation with family and close friends instead of blowing it all on one day. It’s also our decision and not yours, your opinion isn’t law. Thank God. 

    Post # 162
    Member
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Lynell Tiller :  I call bullshit on you HAVING to invite people… exact same thing

     

    with your attitude I could see why 150 guests wouldnt want to come lol

    but also 250 guest is excessive, only about 50 people are close enough family to be obligated to attend

    and if you dont think family and close friends have obligation then your delusional, just read these threads and see how many time ‘drop out but it will end the friendship’ pops up and do you really think parents, sibling etc… can just say ‘nah, ive got better things to do that day dont fancy spending a couple of thousand quid and a holiday I dont have time for on your party’? no obviously they couldn’t it would cause huge family drama and a ripple effect

    also you ‘HAVE’ to invite people from hawaii? no, no you dont you are choosing to put that awkwardess and obligation to travel on them

    Post # 163
    Member
    2527 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I dont think its rude, it’s your wedding do what you want. But I doubt a lot of people will show up. If I got invited to a weekday wedding, unless it was family or a really close friend, there’s no way i’d go.

    Post # 164
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee

    btob17 :  Again, my family have to travel regardless, because I have no family here, and some are in Hawaii. So by your logic, I shouldn’t have a wedding period because people have to travel, and no one should ever invite out of town guest? You’re off the deep end. I’ve flown and gotten hotels for plenty of weddings. I didn’t invite 250 to my wedding, that was an example. I don’t think you’re even grasping what I’m saying. People can say no to an invitation for whatever reason. I invited 50 and over 30 are coming. People have destination weddings all the time, and family and friends come. It’s not something new. Yes, it’s typically wealthier people who have them, but that doesn’t make it wrong. Judging from your attitude I think you are just jealous. That’s the way your acting.   

    Post # 165
    Member
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Lynell Tiller :  jealous of what lol

    your butt hurt that no one agrees with you so now your throwing out last ditch attempt by basically calling us haters so very mature and only serve to prove more that deep down you know we ae right

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