Am I being inconsiderate?

posted 3 years ago in Guests
  • poll: Is it inconsiderate for me to ask people to show up on a weekday.
    No, its your day do what you want. : (132 votes)
    42 %
    Yes, it is rude/ doesn't matter cost. : (102 votes)
    33 %
    Yes, but i get why. : (69 votes)
    22 %
    I am not sure. : (8 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 61
    Member
    364 posts
    Helper bee

    I think having a 100 person wedding during the daytime on a weekday is rude (unless it was a destination wedding).  Have you asked your closest relatives and friends what they think about this?

    I had a very close relative do a weekday afternoon wedding without running it by any VIPs first and it was such a pain- I had to miss a huge career milestone to be there and get my makeup/hair done (it was across the country).  I (and other relatives) helped to pay for some of the wedding and I would’ve much rather paid a bit extra to cover the cost of it being friday night or on a weekend than to have missed something so big in my career and to be a bit inconsiderate to all of the guests.  I wish she would’ve checked with us first. I’ve always checked with VIPs before setting any unconventional or potentially inconsiderate days/times for a small event and, if it’s over 30p, I just wouldn’t set someting rude at all.

    If it’s destination, then ppl attending would already be there for a few days on vacation and it’s easier to decline if that doesn’t work for them.  If it was a smaller wedding (like 15-40p), then I’m guessing that you’d have checked it with them first and were fine having only 10-25 ppl show up.

    We are worried about cost too, but since we have over 200 guests, we’re doing a daytime wedding on the weekend to make things easiest for our guests.

    Post # 62
    Member
    63 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2017

    Well I can come to your wedding since I have Tuesdays off! 😀 But most do not.  I would be totally fine with a weekday nighttime wedding and if anyone else doesn’t I think thats a bit selfish.  There is no reason your guests can’t come home from work, get dressed and go to a local venue for several hours on a weekday.  Most people I know don’t go to bed at 8pm lol and can struggle to stay awake for a few hours during the work week.  Daytime is what is throwing me off here.  First, can you tell us why your wedding would be 8 hours long? That seems a bit much.  What are people to do during all that time?  Are you planning breakfast and lunch? 

    The biggest issue I see is that you are probably going to pay for everyone that doesn’t come.  Look, you know a lot will decline I’m sure.  It’s good that many are retired but they may not want to spend 8 hours at a wedding on a Tuesday.  The thing is, most venues have a mandatory guest count.  Meaning, you will pay for 80 people minimum.  So even if people decline in droves and you only have 50 people there you are going to pay for 80.  That  is where the waste of money is.  I say figure things out and have it at night, even during the week. 

    Post # 63
    Member
    1070 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    A coworker friend of mine got married on a Wednesday last year.  We are teachers and she got married on our spring break because her husband does a lot of seasonal work, plus they just didn’t want to spend the money on a weekend wedding.

    She invited over 100 people and I think only like 30 came.  I went, my husban didn’t because he couldn’t take the day off.  The vast majority of guests were immediate family, her teacher coworker friends, retired relatives and SAHMs.  She had more people at her bridal shower than the actual wedding, and honestly, there were a lot of whispers at the shower on why they picked a weekday.  They came across as gift grabby and just wanting the keep the guest list down.  A wedding is not a summons of course, but a lot of people who attended the shower and would have wanted to come, just couldn’t.

    I think it’s a huge inconvenience and can come across as rude.  I would also question spending so much on a wedding when you have a lot of debt.

    Post # 64
    Member
    9044 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I think you can have your wedding any day you want to but I do think it is a bit hypocritical to be so concerned about your own wallet but not concerned that by have a wedding on a week day during business hours the majority of your guests are going to be out of pocket for your day. 

    A missed days wage x 2 is a lot of money for a family and not everyone has spare vacation days.

    Post # 65
    Member
    1365 posts
    Bumble bee

    Having a daytime weekday wedding says to your guests “my wedding vision is more important than you.” I would view an invitation to this type of wedding as gift grabby, as you know most people won’t come. I wouldn’t attend this wedding unless you were my absolute best friend, and even then I’d totally side-eye you. Sure, a wedding invitation isn’t a summons, but it’s just tacky as hell.

    I ditto PPs who say it’s also crazy to me that you’d get yourself out of $20,000 of debt just to save $10,000 for one day — and a day when likely 90% of your invited guests won’t attend. I would choose to elope or have a very tiny wedding with dinner afterward at a restaurant.

    Post # 66
    Member
    340 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    In all honesty – yes it is a bit inconsiderate to ask people to choose between your wedding and working to make a living.  I assume it’s the 60-70% of the people who are getting upset.

    While I understand your reason I also think might be best to be in a better financial situation / saving.  Yeah I know it’s a better deal if you get married on a weekday… but is it really worth it if half of the guests can’t even come and celebrate your special occasion?  If it is then just disregard my comment.

    Post # 67
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee

    To me, it is rude and also bound to lead to you being upset since hardly anyone will show. Who would be in a celebratory mood on Wednesday morning? Save up and pay the extra to have it on a Friday, mid week evening or Sunday lunch. Cut costs by choosing an unpopular time of year, cheaper venue or possibly negotiating with the venue. It doesn’t hurt to ask. 

    I think most people are paying to everything themselves. I am, including bridal party clothes, hair and make up, and even taxi vouchers/ uber codes for some guests to get home. And I’m fine with it, it is my wedding. Who else would pay? 

    Post # 68
    Member
    452 posts
    Helper bee

    I personally wouldn’t go. Asking me to forego a day where I could be getting paid is essentially asking me to bear the expense of that lost income to go to your wedding – just not going to happen, I’m sorry. You acknowledge that you and your Fiance aren’t high income earners so I’m sure you can be sympathetic to the cost that you’re asking the 60-70% of your guests who aren’t retired to bear since you know the impact a missed day of wages can have on someone’s livelihood.

    I agree with a lot of the points PP have made. If you will have just paid off your debt, it doesn’t seem responsible to throw $10k at a wedding when presumably that means you won’t have any savings. You also have other options – you can throw a less nice wedding on a weekend day, you can throw an equally nice wedding for fewer people on a weekend day, you can postpone your wedding until you can afford to host it on a weekend, etc. Yes, each of these requires some sacrifice on your end but unfortunately that’s just life for most people. Very few people have the means to get exactly what they want exactly when they want it, you’re not alone in having to make these hard choices.

    Post # 69
    Member
    8829 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Virginia Kingsford : What if you did it like 6pm-10pm maybe? I don’t understand why it needs to be during the day, and all day. What are you envisioning that people would do from 9-5 on a weekday? Most people aren’t up for drinking and dancing that early.

    Post # 70
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    I would not do a weekday wedding under any reasonable circumstance. I’d much rather cut costs elsewhere and have a weekend wedding. I get that you’re paying for it, but no one wants to go to a weekday wedding. Also, if you are in that much debt (I read as: don’t have money saved), its fine to scale down and not spend $10,000 on a wedding. $10,000 for a weekday wedding is a waste of money 🙁

    Post # 71
    Member
    6449 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: February 1997

    Someone on this board once mentioned that having a weekday wedding isn’t actually less expensive; it’s just less expensive for the HOSTS. It defers the cost to the guests instead in the form of lost wages, lost time and inconvenience. They either spend the vacation time they could use with their own family, or they spend more than one day lost from work (with travel time and the wedding) on top of the normal costs of a gift and hotel fare and travel costs. 

    Either way, of course, you can host your event whenever and however you wish. Just be prepared for a lot of declines. Spending even many thousands less on a wedding might not be worth it if the people you want to be there cannot or will not. Even retired people often have a weekly routine that involves volunteer work, part-time work, appointments or other obligations (many grandparents provide childcare for family, for example). It is presumptuous to assume their time isn’t as valuable as everyone else’s.

    Post # 72
    Member
    411 posts
    Helper bee

    Here’s the thing: a lot of people are going to decline a weekday wedding. So, considering you’re going to have a sparse guest list why not just scale back your list and have a wedding at a more convenient time?

    I don’t think it’s rude per se, but if I got the invite I would roll my eyes all the way back into my head, decline and likely only send a modest gift.

    Post # 73
    Member
    306 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2004

    As so many others have said, expect many declines.  I have 3 school age kids, and honestly getting someone to pick them up at two different schools on a week day is way more difficult than arranging a sitter in the evening.  I wouldn’t attend unless we were extremely close.

    Post # 74
    Member
    1765 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Just be sure to realize that a lot of people just do not have much paid vacation time or much flexibility with their work schedules. I know it’s only one day, but I know plenty of people that have only 1 week of paid time off a year. Meaning that any time they need to leave work, they either do not get paid or need to use one of their very few days off for that time. Even for my husband who has lots of time off, I don’t think we’d want to use up a day on someone’s wedding unless it was someone extremely close to us. 

    If you are set on having a weekday wedding, why not at least have it in the evening or at least late afternoon so people do not need to take time off from their jobs? 

    Post # 75
    Member
    2680 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

    What could possibly make this an all day 9am-5pm affair?? If you’re set on a random weekday, definitely make it a low key evening one.

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