Am I being inconsiderate?

posted 3 years ago in Guests
  • poll: Is it inconsiderate for me to ask people to show up on a weekday.
    No, its your day do what you want. : (132 votes)
    42 %
    Yes, it is rude/ doesn't matter cost. : (102 votes)
    33 %
    Yes, but i get why. : (69 votes)
    22 %
    I am not sure. : (8 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 122
    Member
    1296 posts
    Bumble bee

    Then elope. Seriously. If you don’t really want a wedding and you “want to do you” just elope. 

    Post # 123
    Member
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Lynell Tiller :  no one says you should have a wedding that revolves around their sceduals but you can elope and its about no one but you and your partner HOWEVER if you expect people to attend (by inviting them thats what your doing) then you need to consider them not just yourself because you have have now put the burdon on yourself to host, dont want to treat guest with respect then dont have guests

     

    Post # 124
    Member
    1148 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I was going to say it’s completely fine to have a wedding at whatever day or time you want, it’s not rude, just be prepared to accept many declines, but I see from your update that you’re not mature enough to understand that.

    “They don’t care enough about you to get a couple hours off on one of the most important days of your lifes”

    With this you sound pretty obnoxious to be honest. Your wedding day is the most important day for YOU and your fiancé. For your guests it’s an important day, they are happy for you but it’s not the most important day of their lives and they have other obligations and priorities. And you need to let go of the idea of “it’s my day, I can do what I want”, that is not true, only the most entitled brides say that, when you include other people it’s their day too, a reception is a thank you to your guests for attending the ceremony. Treat your loved ones with respect.

    So the action of moving your wedding to a weekday is not exactly inconsiderate, but your attitude is.

     

    Edit: seems like your letting other people influence your decisions too much, you should really just elope. Save that money and have something intimate and romantic.

    Post # 125
    Member
    67 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    I got married on a weekday, a Thursday. When planning just be considerate in timing of events. I did 4:30 Start time for the ceremony so that people could work through their lunch or just request to get off an hour early from work. To attend I also made attending the ceremony optional to my guests. More people came to the reception that couldn’t attended the ceremony because of the time which my reception started at 6:00. But about 100 of my guests where out of town guests anyways so it made travel and such cheaper for them! It didnt effect how many people I had attend because at the recpetion we where pushing 210!

    Everyone I talked to was fine with my timing and I did ask for opinions on date and timing from basically anyone I talked to. LOL. My wedding planner said I was one of the most easy going brides she ever had! Besides that its your day, your choice! I dont think its rude to do what you want or can afford. 

    Post # 126
    Member
    367 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2017

    Virginia Kingsford :  You have already made your decision, but I will just ask that you let guests know the date asap so that they can arrange time off. I struggle taking time off at some points in the year- we had a Friday wedding last year, and I loved it cause the weekend was kept free, but hated having to take time off (ended up taking a half day) to go to a wedding….

    We actually had the same debate about day of the week, but for the other reason- it wouldn’t have been any cheaper for us, but with so many guests who are retired/ work retail/ would be on hols/ work shift work- we thought it might actually have been more convenient to have a weekday wedding… guess you have to know your crowd. We ended up doing the usual Saturday night thing, but we were conscious that a few people had to take the day off work or work the next day- same as you will have.

    Good luck with your wedding planning- it’s easier to pay off debt with a goal in mind IMO, so I’m sure you will be fine. Plenty of help here on the bee about saving money… and 10k isn’t as little as you think- we didn’t really try to save on everything (spent decent money on venue, outfits- ours and bridal party, and the photographer, and saved on most other things as we just didn’t care…) I think we spent around $13k all up including all of the little things that sometimes get forgotten? So 10k is definitely doable! Esp with such a cheap venue… I’m looking forward to your updates with planning 🙂

    Post # 127
    Member
    553 posts
    Busy bee

    If you really can’t afford to pay 9x as much then what choice do you have anyway?  I wouldn’t worry about being considered rude.

    Post # 128
    Member
    1069 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Virginia Kingsford :  Everyone can “demand” whatever they want.  It doesn’t mean you have to agree to their wishes.

    My husband and I had a pretty short engagement – 4 months (there were reasons for it that I won’t get into).  We got some crap for having a December wedding (it’s so cold!  It’s winter!) and if it were up to our parents, we would have had 300 guests.  But we stuck to our guns and had a beautiful 100 guest wedding the beginning of December.  

    Everyone is going to give you an opinion – now, when you buy a house, when you become pregnant, when you have kids, etc.  That’s just life.  You have to learn how to tune them out.  If you don’t want a big wedding, then don’t have it.  But having it at an inconvenient time just to limit the guest list is being passive aggressive.  You’re obviously frustrated, but you need to change your attitude and get some thicker skin.  Saying those that can’t take time our for the most important day in YOUR life is very selfish and self centered.  And I have to agree with the Bees that say once you decided to have guests it’s not just all about you.  Yes it’s “your day” to an extent, but you’re also the hosts and as hosts you bear the responsibility of making sure your guests are comfortable.

    Because I’m a teacher, my wedding was actually on an inconvenient weekend for me.  But this is what worked out best for my guests.  You also have to remember that while this is your most important day, it’s only one day, and you don’t want to damage the relationships that you will have both before and after your wedding.

    Post # 129
    Member
    17 posts
    Newbee

    btob17 :  That’s the thing, I wouldn’t and don’t expect anyone to attend. But it’s ruder to exclude people by not inviting them. I think eloping is ruder than having a weekday wedding, and saying “we don’t want you there.” My wedding is destination, and I expected NO ONE to come, yet lots of people are. They are working around what we wanted, not the other way around. I still don’t understand this attitude that couples have to accommodate everyone and do what’s best for their guests. It’s not possible to accommodate everyone in the first place. Saying that people either have to have a large wedding where it’s easy for everyone to attend, or no wedding at all is ridiculous! You are telling Virginia she should have a Saturday or evening wedding or elope, and those are the only acceptable choices. What a bunch of bossy judgmental people. In other countries, people get married on weekdays, and they don’t spend nearly as much money as people do in the U.S. Weddings here have gotten completely out of hand.    

    Post # 130
    Member
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Lynell Tiller :  im in another country and people get just as much crap for it here and at least half the guest also wont come here

    there is nothing wrong with eloping… its rude to invite them to this because yes you technically can say no but really depend on relationship with the couple often you actually cant say no (because its deemed rude, same way you think it rude not to invite them well its ruder to snub an invite) so are obliged to go to something you really cant afford

    Post # 131
    Member
    1299 posts
    Bumble bee

    Lynell Tiller :  IMO, having a destination wedding in an exotic localle where you are asking people to have to take multiple days off of work and spend thousands of dollars is just as rude as having a weekday wedding at an inconvenient time.  You are deferring your costs to your guests and putting them in the uncomfortable position where they either have to decline and risk hurting your feelings, or go to the Destination Wedding and spend more than they can afford.  

    And I have to agree with btob17 where depnding on the relationship you feel obligated to go.  I have a coworker that had a Destination Wedding last year and her own grandparents felt uncomfortable going because of health issues.  Her grandmother did go and ended up in urgent care the next day because the humidity bothered her breathing.  The bride’s mom, aunt and several family members spent the day in some makeshift ER while the bride honeymooned with her husband.  Her family to this day holds a grudge against them.

    Post # 132
    Member
    40 posts
    Newbee

    You are being inconsiderate, but not by chosing to have a weekday event specifically, more by the attitude that says “it’s my day and everyone else can go jump”. You are literally not considering others, and that is, by definition, being inconsiderate. If you are comfortable with that, that’s okay, just remember that sense of comfort if you end up with highdecline rate.

    Post # 133
    Member
    462 posts
    Helper bee

    Virginia Kingsford :  We had a weekday wedding (albeit Friday) and had almost 100% rsvp yes. Only three declined – two because they lived abroad and one because they’d already RSVP’d yes to another wedding. Also before we picked the date I did a quick FB poll asking if people would rather take the day off to attend a Friday wedding with more guest “stuff” (e.g. more alcohol choices, fancier meals etc.) or if they’d rather attend on a Saturday with slightly less guest stuff (still adequate food and alcohol just a bit less fancy). All but one voted they’d prefer to attend the Friday with “better stuff”.

    The bees saying that some guests may feel put-out being invited to a weekday wedding make points worth considering but at the end of the day you know your friends and family and those relationships better than strangers on the Internet. My friends were actually excited to take a day’s holiday and “make a day of it” – also the people I surround myself with are generally empathetic, generous and understanding people whom I’ve never heard begrudge a bride and groom saving THOUSANDS and being able to afford a reasonably sized wedding because anyone wanting to attend will need to take a day’s holiday.

    Additionally, if somebody can’t attend my wedding because they can’t get the day off or they already have other plans for their holiday leave then that’s absolutely understandable. If they don’t come because they simply don’t want to “waste” a day of annual leave then we don’t have the sort of relationship where I want to “waste” spending a large sum of money to feed and water you nor would I particularly want to share such a special day with you. People aren’t obligated to attend – if it’s such an inconvenience I’d rather you decline anyway. 

    Post # 134
    Member
    8866 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I still don’t understand why it can’t be in the evening like a normal special event. What are people going to be doing from 9-5 on a weekday?

    Post # 135
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee

    Virginia Kingsford :  We are having a weekday, brunch wedding. Our date was important to us and doing so saved us $20K for our 60-70 person wedding. We cut our guest list to only essentials already so the only way to make things work was for us to do a brunch wedding, on our important date. As I said, if we had kept our Saturday wedding, it would literally be $20K more. I wanted to elope, but my FH didn’t want to go that route.

    We told people over a year in advanced and told them upfront that we realize how inconvenient this is and understand if they aren’t able to attend. Most of our guests are from another country, so travel is unavoidable. 

    While I haven’t read all the responses, I’m a little surprised by some of the answers from other Bees. We all know how expensive weddings are, but we’re ragging on this Bee because she’s trying to make it work within her budget? Is she being rude about it?

    Anyways… I say do what works for you, but be understanding when people can’t make it and be gracious. That’s how I’m thinking about it.

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