(Closed) Am I being irrational

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Congratulations on the 10 pounds. That’s a lot, especially with the hypothyroidism.

There’s nothing you can do about thirty pounds in the next two weeks. Just keep eating healthy and drinking lots of water (your skin will love you) and exercising. Have a beautiful wedding, enjoy yourself and your friends and your family, and be proud of what you’ve done so far. If, after you get your photos back, you really hate them, make plans to redo them on your first anniversary after you’re happier with how you look.

 

Post # 18
Member
1284 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Please try not to let this bother you… and PLEASE don’t cancel your wedding! Remember that you are marrying the man of your dreams and that that is what is important. I wish I wouldn’t have been (and continue to be) as heavy as I am for my wedding… but I know I looked beautiful and I truly didn’t let it bother me!

Try to shake these feelings… I know it can be hard!

Post # 19
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@jamacianmecrazy:  To cancel/postpone the wedding based solely on your size/looks… yes that is irrational.

I was roughly 10 lbs heavier than I wanted to be on my wedding day.  Intially I was bummed but then I realized “Hey, this is me.  I want to look like ME on my wedding day!  I got meat on my bones, I have nice curves.  I’m owning it!”  And not to toot my own horn, but I looked damn good on my wedding day!  And you will too!

All brides are beautiful, no matter your shape or size.  Keep your chin up, you will be a gorgeous bride!

Post # 20
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@jamacianmecrazy:

(READ THIS FIRST) …….

I may get some hate for this, and I’m sorry, but I know how this feels and I want to give you a really honest and truthful opinion, and not tell you happy things just because it will feel better. I think it will ultimately help you feel better based on (possibly) a different viewpoint, but it may be something to seriously think about also. I’m going to give you my answer based on what I would want to hear if I were you, which is the truth. If I were you, I wouldn’t be here just to have strangers say I’m so beautiful when they don’t have any idea what I look like. I’d want a truthful and un-emotional point of view. If you’re NOT here to hear the truth, and only want pure support despite anything else, then don’t continue reading because it won’t be what you’re seeking. 

  

(READ THIS SECOND) …….

 

I think it depends not only on how you feel, but on how much money you would lose, how many people are coming, and how many have bought plane tickets… also, how long you would be willing to post-pone. Hypothyroidism isn’t an easy thing to overcome. My mom has it, and I might even have it (I haven’t been tested). Realistically, it’ll probably be more challenging to lose all the weight you want and may take longer for you than someone who doesn’t have hypothyroidism. So if it takes a person without it a year, it might take you 18 months or two years with the same effort. 

Most likely I’d say no, do not post-pone, because your fiance loves you regardless, and he is who you’re marrying, and it probably wouldn’t be worth losing the money that you’ve invested, especially if you think you can change your frame of mind.

However… The wedding day is most important to YOU and your FIANCE. NOT everyone else. They come to SHARE YOUR DAY. If it’s going to be something you regret forever, and wouldn’t lose a lot of money to post-pone, and it wouldn’t inconvenience a lot of people (everyone lives close), it could be a consideration. In other words, consider them, but don’t base your decision on everyone else. Just you and your fiance.

But I know it is. I was 170lbs and lost 60lbs, and it was very hard and took a long time and a lot of sacrificing and research, but I’m very happy that I did it before I got engaged and stuff, because when I saw myself in pictures I wanted to cry. I felt fat and gross and I hid from every photo, and if I had to remember my wedding day like that, it would crush me. People told me I was “fine,” which wasn’t true because I’m like 5’5 and I really was technically, medically obese. I carried it fairly evenly, but still. There was no denying it.

But most importantly I hated how I looked. People told me I wasn’t fat, I looked fine, I was very pretty, etc… but it didn’t matter, I looked in the mirror and decided MY opinion on beauty. I looked at myself in the same way I’d look at any random stranger and judged their EXTERNAL attractiveness. Were they pretty looking? Yes, no, why? why not? And then held myself to the same standards.

I didn’t care what anyone else (even my then-boyfriend, who thought I looked fine) thought. I didn’t buy into the “I’m beautiful because I’m beautiful” thing. To me there’s inner beauty, and there’s external beauty. I felt I had inner beauty, but I let myself go and no longer had external beauty based on MY STANDARDS. NOT anyone else’s. Eventually, I stopped lying to myself and convincing myself that I looked okay, because I knew those weren’t my true feelings. Plus, it was extremely unhealthy, raised my risks for several afflictions, my self-esteem suffered, and I knew the longer I waited to deal with it, the longer I’d regret it. I PERSONALLY was not happy about it. I stopped living in denial and accepted that I wasn’t happy with myself and vowed to make changes. 

I see it as a preference. Some people are happy about how they look, and some people are not. DO NOT let judgements, society, and media affect YOUR opinion on yourself. You can judge beauty, and everyone’s standards and opnions of beauty are different. But also, don’t let someone convince you that YOUR opinion of beauty is wrong. It’s not. It’s your opinion! That does not matter whatsoever. Look at yourself and judge how you feel about your external beauty. But keep in mind, you WILL BE BEAUTIFUL on your wedding day, even to you. Maybe not AS beautiful as you want, but you will compare yourself to how you look every other day. You will have your hair and makeup and nails done (I’m guessing), new jewelry, shoes, a gorgeous wedding gown… and everyone else will still think you are BEAUTIFUL. Because they’re looking at everyday you compared to wedding-day you. Make sense?

Like if you put me up to a supermodel, I probably wouldn’t be beautiful at all. But if you compare me in my jeans and tshirt with no makeup up to me in a wedding gown and make up and hair style, I will probably be described as beautiful. It’s all in your comparisons. Without comparisons, we’d have no way to distunguish “beauty” in the visual sense. So you have to decide what you’re comparing yourself to, and how important it is. 

How much is one level of beauty versus your higher personal feeling of beauty important? You may feel more beautiful if you were thinner, all dressed up and made up, but regardless, because you will be taking steps to wear things that you do not wear, that are considered formal, you will still be looked upon as BEAUTIFUL to all your friends and family. I have no idea what you weigh or your height or how you look, so who knows, I might not agree with you. I might say you look average or thin or something, but IT DOESN’T MATTER, because YOUR opinion is the only one that matters. I’m glad you didn’t post a photo, because your opinion is the only one that counts.

Personally, I’d attempt to look at it as “I will still be beautiful to all my friends and family and fiance, and that will make me happy,” and have your wedding! Because obviously, no lie, no fluff. you will be beautiful. But if you really truly think you will regret those photos and looking that way for the rest of your life, and wish you’d tried to wait another year to lose weight, and it wouldn’t cause you a great loss of money… AND it was okay with your fiance… then it might be a consideration. Don’t let anyone convince you of your feelings. You feel how you feel. I hope I didn’t offend/upset you… it’s just a perspective I adopted and used, and it helped me, so I thought maybe it could help you in either way that you need help. I’m sorry if it didn’t and I just wasted 5 minutes of your life… O_o 

Post # 21
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

This may have been said, I didnt read all the posts. Completely change up your work out. Your body needs a “shock”. When you hit a workout lull and not losing, change it.

Remember not to go by numbers either go by how clothes fit. You can easily stay about the same weight but have dropped off inches. You’ve replace muscle for fat. 🙂

Post # 23
Member
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Jer72:  I personally don’t understand why, and weight imo should not be the priority of a wedding. You want to look good, yes, but I thought the man you’re marrying married you for you, not a skinnier version of you that’s just for the wedding.

I also think it’s ridiculous to want perfection on your wedding day, and the color themes always make me laugh. Really, making the argument for the OP about tablecloths is not the way to win me over.

Post # 24
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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@jamacianmecrazy:  does your fiance not know about your concerns? I’m sure he could help reassure you. Men who are in love don’t generally notice a lot of weight fluctuation. You might see it as a lot, he might think “I guess you gained a little weight, but you still look good to me.” Their attention to detail when judging beauty is weak. They won’t notice nearly as much as we do. So your guy generally sees you as an embodied object of beauty, whereas girls see small pieces (color makeup, eyes, lips shape, etc) because she questions what is making it beautiful, applying meaning, seeing differences, etc. He may barely have noticed!
 
Realistically, a size 16 is about typical.. I mean a size 14 is about the average size woman in the U.S. You’re basically right in the middle!  And if you think the average size female stranger looks good, then in turn, you think you look good too. 
 
You’re not being silly. We dress up and put on makeup and do our hair because visual beauty is important to us, especially on our wedding days! Just realize that you will be looking your absolute best that you can at this time, and so it’ll still be seen as beautiful. While looks are important on a wedding day, it’s not a beauty contest. It’s about love, so maybe if you tried to focus on that, you’d feel better. And maybe get some reassurance from the fiance; I’m sure he can help!

Post # 25
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hi honey. I get it. I’m normally quite athletic with a bit of curve (5’6 and a USA 8), but this year due to a long illness (and the depression that followed it), I gained nearly 30 pounds and I’m now about a size 12-14. The number that came up at the scale at the doctor’s staggered me- I was never even close to that weight when I was my heaviest. 

I’ve lost about 15lbs of it, but this was a horrible time to get engaged and sometimes I feel like postponing until I’m back to normal- if that ever happens. Going wedding dress shopping has been heartbreaking, especially since it’s a short engagement and I’m limited to sample sale dresses. Having saleswomen behind you grunting as they try to zip a dress up sucks. As it is, I have to lose 10 pounds before the dress I got will fit and my wedding is in February. 

You’re allowed to feel bad- gaining weight never feels good. But, don’t cancel over it. If you have a dress that flatters you, that makes all the difference. And remember, you’re about to have the happiest day of your life. Not a single person is going to remember that you were bigger than you usually are- they’re going to remember how incredible a day it was, how happy you two were, and how beautiful you looked. If you end up upset over looking bigger in your photos than you envisioned, ask your photographer if you can have final say over which photos he/she prints. We’ve arranged that because I’ve noticed in some photos we’ve taken over the last few months I look my normal weight, whereas in others I look massive.

Or, have a vow renewal at a landmark wedding anniversary when you’re happier about your size. You can get a beautiful dress and even more photos to add to your collection of shots celebrating your marriage. 

Post # 26
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

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@strawbs:  Said like someone who has never had to worry about weight ever. 

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