(Closed) Am I being irrational?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
688 posts
Busy bee

Why don’t you just talk to him and let it know it bothers you and would appreciate if he let’s you know when he knows and make plans with friends if you want to as long as the two of you don’t have solid plans? 

Post # 3
493 posts
Helper bee

Irrational. Most guys are like that.  My fiance is the same way…. hates plans, fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy.

he used to do that all the time, when we started dating I would always be the one making plans in advance, or making myself available in the off chance we could have plans (bc he hated planning).

my honest advice would be to stop making yourself so available.  start making plans with your friends and do things independantly with no notice…that way when he asks you whats for dinner, just say oh sorry I forgot to tell you, im going out with my friends tonight

if you are less available he will be the one to start making plans. 

Post # 4
11614 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

No, you’re not overreacting. He can text his plans, but he needs to let you know what’s going on. It’s courtesy. 

but some men aren’t naturals at that, so I wouldn’t assume he’s being this way on purpose. it might be up to you to each him the general expectations of family life re planning everyone’s schedule. 


ETA you shouldn’t be holding up your plans based on his plans. Hopefully you can decide decide together what nights are hanging out with friends nights, but if not make your own plans. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  BalletParker.
Post # 5
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

rararachael:  Agree talk to him.

This would upset me too. Fiance used to do that, but then we talked about it. He just wasn’t used to telling someone else about his plans but instead going about his business which would really annoy me if I were waiting for him to come home. After we talked about being a partnership it’s gotten much better. 🙂

Post # 6
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

No you’re not being irrational. its common courtesy to let you know!

Post # 7
493 posts
Helper bee

I dont understand the part when you say your SO doesnt give you enough notice to make plans with your friends?  Why dont you just hang out with them…. l?

Most guys are just wired differently, they dont see the need to “check in”, Im sure he likes the feeling of maintaining some independence.

Post # 8
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

Your partner needs to tell you if plans change, lest you prepare dinner for 2 and him not come home! It’s common sense!

But you are overreacting. Don’t get angry about it, just communicate and explain that it’s fine if he had plans but it’s important to tell you asap 🙂

Post # 9
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I just think you are both looking at the situation different. You think hanging out at home kind of equals a date whilst I bet he thinks hanging out at home is just life and no big deal. He isn’t breaking plans because there were no plans.

I think it is a little weird that you feel like you have to check in with him prior to making plans on a normal no plans night. If you want to go out with friends why is it contingent on getting his approval? Especially since he doesn’t feel like he needs to check in with you about his every move. Is the need for you to check coming from him or you?

As for the not calling maybe he knew you were going to call (is that standard?) and was just waiting for that rather than bothering you during school. What timeframe are we talking? Are you calling 30mins before expecting him home, an hour, two hours? Because if it just prior then yes that is inconsiderate but if it is an hour or more then it should be no big deal.


Post # 11
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m more like your SO.I make plans all the time and I’m gulity of not always “checking in” because frankly, if we dont have set plans, I dont see the point. We stare at the TV most nights so yeah if my friends want do dinner, I’m going. Granted in your case, since you both have hectic schedules , I can see why you you feel the need to touch base. 

Post # 12
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

rararachael:  The half an hour thing is inconsiderate. That is something that needs to be communicated. Just ask him to let you know by text as soon he knows/makes other plans that he won’t be home. 


Post # 13
136 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe he regards your having a class as you “doing something” those nights, so he’ll just see you whenever you both get home.

Post # 14
723 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Do you two live together?

Definitely have a conversation with him about better communication. It may also help to be a little more proactive in setting aside time for you two to spend together, so being together isn’t just a default setting for him. If you have two or three nights a week that you actually plan to chill together (or go on a date, or whatnot) then he can be a little more impulsive the rest of the nights and you can also freely make plans with your friends. 

Post # 15
716 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My husband and I always let each other know if we are going to be late or have meetings after work, etc. I don’t think it is too much to ask for him to let you know. It’s a consideration that should be given to a spouse or partner.

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