(Closed) Am I being irrational?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
493 posts
Helper bee

I can see how it would be inconsiderate if you had a nice dinner planned or were going out somewhere and he made plans in lieu of this, but if vegging out is the norm I dont think he considers these “plans” ie, i doubt he thinks he needs to check in.

I bet if you started doing things in the spur of the moment more often, these types of habits wouldnt bother you that much. 


Post # 19
493 posts
Helper bee

Well then maybe make it a plan – like “i really am looking forward to hanging out tomorrow, would you want to watch such and such” that is  plan.

I honestly hang out with my fiance twice a week.. maybe 3 times,  we are both extremely busy people and have hectic schedules, we both play sports still, go to the gym and are part of different organizations. If I really want to hang out and watch a movie and veg I would make a plan to do that… Im sure it would be different if we had kids or as we get older probably fall into more of a routine. 

do you mind if I ask how old you both are?

Post # 20
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

rararachael:  I think when two partners have busy lives or demanding jobs then you have to make the extra effort to communicate and make time for each other but sometimes you also have to be realistic. Couple time is important but time with friends or sport or hobby is important as well. Sometimes focusing on work/school for an extended period of time needs to come first.

The not informing you until the last minute thing is probably exasperating your feelings of neglect. It really is something that he needs to understand is not ok. Unless it is an emergency or situation where you cannot get to a phone then texting a simple “going out won’t be home for dinner”. You need to talk with him , again if you already have tried, because it really is just a common courtesy. Maybe ask him if it was his friend making him dinner and hanging out then would he wait to just before he was expected there to say sorry going out with my girlfriend? Sometime partners take other partners for granted. 

Post # 21
684 posts
Busy bee

rararachael:  I don’t think it’s irrational at all. Try It out on him and see if he likes it. If you live together I think it’s a courtesy to let the other person know what’s going on. 

Post # 23
4510 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

rararachael:  Sounds like it worked out!

For future reference, it’s just common courtesy to let the other know if you make plans.

If I make plans to meet up with friends or go somewhere, I let Darling Husband know so he doesn’t worry about where I am if it gets late or so he can remind me if we already made different plans. He does the same.

it’s not about getting permission or losing independence; it’s about not inconveniencing the other person. For example, I would hate for my Darling Husband to go to all the work of cooking a wonderful dinner, just to have him either wait on me or eat alone because I went out without letting him know – and I’d be upset if he did that to me.

Post # 24
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

rararachael:  his behavior would make me crazy. My Fiance and I are really good about letting eachother know if we have upcoming plans. Sounds like you guys need to work on better communication.

Post # 25
235 posts
Helper bee

I would be kind of annoyed too. He’s allowed to see his friends, but he should at least give you a heads-up so that you know not to make other plans or expect him.

Post # 27
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: An amazing castle. August 2015

I am probably in the minority here but….. I think having prior notice is important when you have conflicting work/other schedule. So I definitely think you’re justified in being upset.

I work weekdays and my fiancé works weekends and a couple of days through the week so we rarely get to spend time together. Then he was going out with his friends and only letting me know that day. I have no problem with him going out as I think it’s essential to spend time apart too, but I was really upset that he didn’t even consider my feelings. Now he knows how much it upsets me, he let’s me know at least the day before if he plans on going out.

Post # 28
1241 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

You’re not being irrational. All you’re asking is that he send you a text if he’s not going to be home at the usual time. It’s not that you don’t trust him or are nagging him, it’s just that you need to plan your time accordingly. Common cortesey.

Post # 29
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

No, not irrational.

You live together! I would be mad if my husband failed to mention he wouldn’t be coming home. We always give each other the heads up, its common decency when you’re sharing a life.

Post # 30
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My Fiance and I always let eachother know when we make plans, especially when the plans involve leaving the other alone. I don’t think you’re asking too much to be notified when he makes plans especially if you don’t see eachother often. We both go out with friends on our own but never neglect to let the other know about our plans. I would be annoyed if my Fiance did this.

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