Am I being irrational? (Lol)

• wcky711
• 2 years ago

• Wedding: September 2020

Hi, everyone!

 

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for 2-ish years. He lives in a small town about 1.5 hours away from my home (I suppose this is technically considered long-distance), but most of our relationship has been longER-distance. He operates heavy machinery, which often requires that he go out of state for work. (One job was 2100 mi away, one was about 1600 mi away, and his current job is about 6 hours away.) Sure, this can be tough, but there is an end in sight, and I knew what I was getting into when we started dating. (He’s THAT worth it 😀 )

 

So, when his work brings him home, which isn’t as often as I would like, I spend most all of my weekends travelling to see him in his hometown. I usually end up going there so that he can spend his time at home with his family (which includes a daughter). At times, when I have been travelling to see him often, I have received some… I suppose derisive is the right word… comments from friends about being away so much. My family will occasionally mention something about it, but they aren’t quite as coarse when they bring it up. My friends tend to be “brutally honest” in that they just come out and say what they’re thinking, even if it may be taken as rude. I understand this about them and accept that they are who they are. I, myself, tend to be a people pleaser, just for reference. I’ve received comments from “You’re gone every single weekend!” to “Oh, my husband said that your boyfriend must be gone again since you’re asking me to hang out now.” I can go as far as to understand that being gone every weekend (for maybe six weeks at a time) is a lot of time away, so I do my best to see friends and family on weeknights when that is happening. I know this certainly isn’t ideal, but my time with my boyfriend is so little and so precious that I try to soak up as much of it as I can. (Please note, that I never missed a bridal shower, bachelorette party, wedding dress shopping trip, wedding, baby shower, or any other noteworthy event in the time that I have known him.)

 

That pretty much gets you up to speed. 

 

So, BF has been on a job since January, which means that I am in town pretty much every day of the week and weekend. I ask my friends if they would like to go to dinner, to go downtown to the farmers market, go to the dog park, the pool, all kinds of things. Still, I usually end up spending most nights at home alone with my doggo. (I don’t mind this so much, I actually love being at home alone.) But there came a point a several weeks ago where I really wanted to get out of the house and DO something (on a weekend), but everyone preferred to stay at home with their live-in boyfriends or thier husband. Okay, I get it, no big deal. Like I said, I’m pretty happy to hang out with my pup. It crossed my mind that it was a little funny that they got sassy with me about it and are, essentially, doing the same thing, but I dropped it and enjoyed my quiet weekend.

 

I have noticed, however, that this is a much more regular occurrence than I had noticed before. I spend just about every week/weekend at home alone (again, this is totally okay with me). I guess I am just a little frustrated with the hypocisy of it all. I get chastised for spending my weekends out of town when I can, but when I’m in town (which is the overwhelming majority of the time) most attempts I make to see them end in, “No thanks, husband/boyfriend and I are just going to stay in and be lazy tonight.” I’ll level set with you – I’m an adult; I don’t feel the need to be entertained, kept busy, or even kept company, nor do I expect any of this from my friends or family. I just get a little bit resentful that, when it’s my turn to see my boyfriend (who I don’t have the option to come home to every day – yet) I am labelled as “unavailable.”

 

Perhaps I am being sensitive. Perhaps I’m reading into things too much. I figured I’d just throw my feelings out there for a temperature check and see what was said. Sorry for the novel! I hope you bees had a great start to your weeks!

• wcky711
• 2 years ago

• Wedding: September 2020

rockclimberbride :   peekaboobs :  I think you all pretty much hit the nail on the head in terms of how I am feeling. They were cautious (granted, optimistic) about me entering into a LDR to begin with. Even now, I take this to mean that they were concerned for me and wanted the best for me. Heck, I was a little iffy about it in the beginning. I am fiercely independent and love a routine, so while it has been very hard, I think I am handling it really well. Even so, the older I get the more I understand the concept of adult friendships; nobody should be held to some imaginary standard of availability or effort. I keep in touch, I care greatly, and I am there in an instant if they need me. So, why not think outside themselves or put themselves in my shoes? I suspect that it comes back to the fact that I entered into the relationship with the knowledge that it would be long distance and that it’s thought of as “you made your bed.” Of course, me being the non confrontational person I am, I haven’t truly responded to any of the remarks. I’d say it’s time that I did. 

 

Daisy_Mae :  Thank you for representing a few other sides to the situation. I’m sure that there is a degree of truth to each of the possibilities you mentioned. Nothing is black and white. I actually did struggle for a while over the nature of their comments; were they trying to be genuine but playing it off as a passing thought? Maybe it’s both. Either way, I should probably just start the conversation rather than stewing over it. 

• wcky711
• 2 years ago

• Wedding: September 2020

alliebear2289 :  I hadn’t even considered things in that context before, but it’s really helpful. Given a different obstacle, how would they react. I think some would be plenty understanding and supportive, but I think that [probably] one would end up making it about her, still.

• wcky711
• 2 years ago

• Wedding: September 2020

pocahontas28 : If I had to guess I would say you’re right; there are likely some hurt feelings involved. I don’t like to think that I “choose” one or the other; I spend the time I can with my boyfriend because I love him and don’t get to see him often, but I spend time with my friends because I care about them. Now, I will say that you have definitely brought up a good point: our time together is mostly spent in his home town. I don’t want to take away from his time with his family, specifically his daughter, when he is here, and when he doesn’t have her it’s nice to spend time just the two of us. But I should make more of an effort to beidge the gap and suggest spending some more time here/with friends. 

• wcky711
• 2 years ago

• Wedding: September 2020

oceangirl40 :  I think this is really where my issue lies. I don’t get to see him often at all – The last time I saw him was June 9th, and that was only when I was able to travel to him for one weekend. Before that it was two days over Mother’s Day weekend. And before that it was February. So, in 2018 I have seen him a total of maybe 15 days. I was there three weekends in a row between Thanksgiving and Christmas because he was home for about a month. I guess what also plays into it is that I never “choose him over them.” If I have plans to see him and then they ask me to go do something is when I hear the comments. Again, I don’t expect them to completely understand; they’re not in long distance relationships, and I don’t think they’ve even been in one. I think the frustrating part is that it seems like whatever I do it won’t be the “right” thing, you know?