Am I being irrational? (Lol)

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 19
Member
351 posts
Helper bee

 

If I were on the outside of this (IE the friends’ position) it would look like my friend was prioritizing a man who wasn’t prioritizing her – he chose to be gone for weeks, months at a time, and when he finally was home, the onus was always on my friend to go see him. And to boot, she makes clear that our friendship plays second fiddle to her relationship with a man who doesn’t seem to make her a priority after two years of dating.

I am NOT saying this is the truth of your relationship, only that it might look that way from the outside and explain some of the resistance you’re getting.

I say this as someone who has been in a long-term LDR, a short-term LDR, and had friends flake on stuff because they needed to be home at a certain time to Skype their long-distance boyfriend and the like. So I have been on both sides of this.

I also have to wonder why your guy can’t come and see you with his daughter if it’s only 1.5 hours?

If there are no jobs in his hometown, why not move to where you live?

What will you do for work once he no longer travels?

Post # 20
Member
6943 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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wcky711 :  So, I’ve kind of been in your friends’ position before. It wasn’t because of a boyfriend, but I had one friend who basically never hung out. I’d invite her to everything and she’d always turn me down for one reason or another or just flake entirely. So after a while, I stopped inviting her out. You say NO so many times and that’s basically what happens. I guess then she realized something changed as she hadn’t heard from me in a while and suddenly she kept calling ME up to hang out. At that point, it was too little too late and I just had no interest in such a one-sided friendship. 

It could also be what some other Bees have mentioned. These friends don’t understand your relationship and from an outsider looking in it seems that you’re putting in all this effort and your bf is putting in next to none. It’s hard to watch a friend do something like that, especially if you don’t even know the guy. 

Post # 21
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee

So I thought this was going to be your traditional ‘I’m ditching my friends every week and now I don’t see why I don’t have any friends’ kind of post but to me it sounds like you’re a great friend. You have been keeping your relationship with your boyfriend and making him a priority while still attending friend’s events and making them a priority as well.

I dealt with a similar situation at my last job actually. All of my coworkers who were married (I was just dating my now husband at the time) acted like their time was more precious with their husbands and I shouldn’t have been spending too much time with my then boyfriend. I hung out with my girlfriends ALL the time too. But they would make snide remarks on making time for my boyfriend. Well we’re married now so maybe that’s why I was prioritizing him undecided People are so rude!

Post # 22
Hostess
4627 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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BrideK2Wings :  This.  I’ve had friends in LDRs who I felt were doing all of the work when they were always the ones traveling and their S.O.s couldn’t seem to be bothered to make the effort to reciprocate.  I understand it’s a bit different in your case because your S.O. has a daughter that he should be prioritizing, but it sounds like your friends don’t really know him at all. 

In your friends’ place, I probably would make less of an effort too if it seemed like you only were looking to hang out because your boyfriend wasn’t available, and I would have a hard time not expressing my concern that you seemed to be giving more than him, which would turn the night into a less than fun time.  Having also been in an LDR with my now husband, I understand the balancing act.  D.H. didn’t always want to spend a day hanging out with my friends when we only had two days together before not getting to see each other for 4-8 weeks, but we were able to find a compromise (i.e. spend the day just the two of us, and meet my friends out for drinks/dinner or go to brunch and then do our own thing).  

Post # 23
Member
2731 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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wcky711 :  It’s hard to know, just based on your perspective in your OP, whether or not they’re now avoiding you because you avoided them so much in the past, but I totally get both sides.

When I was long distance with my now husband, I frequently traveled to see him on the weekends he worked and couldn’t come home. On the weekends he could come home, I visited his family with him, because they also never got to see him. As a result, my weekends were booked up, and my family made several comments about it. I love him, missed him, and would do anything to get a few more precious hours with him. I also made sure to always catch his nightly call. I realize to some that would be annoying, but I think that all couples reach that stage where they prioritize each other over others, though some to a stronger degree. When my BFF started dating her now husband, she started doing everything with him and asking to bring him on all of our hangouts, and they weren’t even long distance! I never did that, but I did decline some weekend events with my group of friends to be able to see my guy.

Now that my husband and I are no longer long distance, I’m able to spend more time with my family on the weekends, and not have to worry about travel or missing him, but I’ll admit I still prefer Netflix and chill nights with him, over a girl’s night out. We do more friend outings together as a couple now.

I’m sorry, I know I’m not much help, because the only thing that made this better for me was for the long distance to end. Maybe try to hang out with more of your single friends on the weekend? Though I know this also can lead to difficulty, because if you’re like me, all of my single friends only wanted to go out drinking to try and meet guys.

Post # 27
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

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wcky711 :  That’s really frustrating.   She could be one of those people that don’t understand that lives and friendships change as you get older and settle down.  The other day I caught coworker/friend looking completely frustrated at her phone.  When I asked her what’s wrong she said, “oh, it’s friend X. She doesn’t understand that I don’t have time to hang out with her every other weekend.   We have so’s daughter every third weekend and I also babysit my nephew once a month and then our rotation at work.  She’s just one of those friends that think you have to hang out constantly and I just can’t.” Sometimes people who aren’t in a relationship or don’t have family obligations don’t understand that those that are/do just don’t have unlimited time for hanging out.  

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