(Closed) Am I being irrational? (long vent)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do...?
    Chill out, you're being irrational! : (0 votes)
    Keep trying to get through to her; she's family! : (0 votes)
    There's nothing you can do until she admits there's a problem; ignore her. : (17 votes)
    33 %
    Get out now, she's toxic! : (33 votes)
    65 %
    Other : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4355 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Maybe it’s not the most sympathetic advise, but cut.your.loses.

    She seems to be poisoning the family and it seems you’re all better off without her until she sorts out whatever her problem is. It’s unfortunate but family deaths can bring out the absolute worst in people. I have an uncle who randomly one day decided he hated his whole family. He is one of my mom’s 9 siblings and the only person he keeps contact with (in secret) is my grandmother. Still to this day, none of my family understands what they did to make him exile himself from the family but we are not about to waste any time trying to figure it out. He made his choice, and we’ve moved on with life.

    The situation is clearly a little different because he doesn’t harass any of us, he just acts like we are all strangers.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m not sure to what you’re referring when you ask if you’re being irrational… but if you’re talking about trying to get through to her and patch things up, then yes. I know it seems harsh, because this woman is family, but she’s also being blatantly hurtful toward the rest of your family, and I’m guessing you’re not like 15, so this has gone on plenty long enough for her to have changed if she was ever going to. In this case, it really seems like it’s irrational to try and pursue any sort of reconciliation with her. If it ever does happen, sounds like it would only be on her terms and I doubt there’s anything you can do.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    1736 posts
    Bumble bee

    Everything about her seems toxic. You will make yourself sick trying to fix something like this, because honestly, there is no fix. Her behavior isn’t rational and so trying to be the voice of reason will do nothing but put you into the middle of everything…a place that you don’t need to be. When her behavior create chaos, all you can do is be there for the people you love to help them get past it…but you shouldn’t be the one trying to keep the peace…

    I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this…I really am. It’s just sad that people treat each other this way, especially family. 🙁

    Post # 6
    Member
    10288 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I wouldn’t allow someone that toxic to be in my life, blood relation or not. I say you cut all ties and tell her to go fuck herself. At least that’s what I’d do, but I’m also kind of a bitch when it comes to this kind of stuff. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    812 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I don’t understand why anyone puts up with this kind of behavior.

    Like PP said, cut your losses. The woman has issues that you’re just not equipped or obligated to deal with.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9550 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Death and agin parents have a way of either bringing a fmaily together or tearing them apart. There’s just so much emotion flying around and people handle things so many different ways, there is almost always family stess after the death of an important family member. However, this in no way excuses your aunt’s behavior. The most important thing for you to do is to protect yourself. Don’t let her get under your skin or upset you. If that means stopping communication with her, then maybe that’s best, at this time. Things may change in the future. But also take into account the family as a whole. None of the pieces of the family are really separate, you’re all linked together so talk to your family members about your concerns and see what will work best. It sounds like a really ucky situation, and I hope it improves, but don’t let your family put you in the middle. You’ve got enough to worry about. And a wedding is no place to hash out all the family drama. Try to be kind to your aunt (because it sounds like she’s got some serious issues that need to be dealt with) but don’t give her the oportunity to hurt you.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    It is ok to cut toxic people out of your life to keep your own sanity. Unfortunately, we can’t choose our families. I highly doubt she’s ever going to accept fault or appologize. Your sitting on a hope that may never come true.

    Post # 10
    Hostess
    7561 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I would just ignore her crazy antics but don’t completely cut her out of your life. Hopefully she’ll come around eventually.

    Post # 11
    Member
    282 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would cut her out. Maybe eventually she’ll realise how vile she’s been and maybe she won’t, but you haven’t done anything wrong, and she has! I’m all for trying to build bridges with family but sometimes we have to realise that family aren’t always what we want them to be.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I’m wondering why your still allowing her contact at all. Take her off Facebook, block her emails, change your phone number and don’t let her have it. I get that your mom has to have some contact because of her mom, but other than that I don’t understand why you and your family are continuing such a horrible relationship. Why not stop responding altogether? She sounds mentally I’ll and probably isn’t the best person to be taking care of your grandma anyway!

    Post # 13
    Member
    3886 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    First I’d tell her that whatever beef she’s got with your mom is for them to work out. You were barely a teenager when all this family drama got cooking, and pretty much had nothing to do with it, but she seems hell-bent on dragging you into it just because you’re your mother’s daughter. Then, as painful as it may sound, tell your mother that you’ve given this message to the aunt, because you really will need your mother’s support on this one— if those two have some issue between them, your aunt and your mother need to fix their own relationship and BOTH need to leave you out of it.

    Then move on and never look back. If your aunt decides at some point in the future to fix her relationship with your mom and to try and build a relationship with you, that’s all fine and good but nothing to even worry about today.

    Just a shame we can’t pick our families like we pick our friends.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2494 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Been there and done that with future in laws. Fiance decided to pull the rip cord after their last stunt, and that’s been that for over a year. In that time, Fiance had a massive heart attack, so Fiance went to see him, they were friendly, Father-In-Law begged forgiveness and to have a relationship– then as soon as he was healthy “forgot” about trying to have a relationship. *gah*

     

    Some people, unfortunately, are not meant to be part of your life. I think you need to straight up tell her, via email or phone or whatever. “Listen Aunt A, this is ridiculous. You have been harrassing, derogetory, rude, and abusive for years. I love you, but I can no longer make excuses for your behaviour. As a grown woman, I’d expect you would understand. Unfortunately, this will be the last time you hear from me until I hear that your behaviour has changed. Please do not attempt to contact me any further.”

    Post # 16
    Member
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I simply do not understand why you are dealing with Aunt A at all. She sounds like a horrible toxic person. Block her from FB, block her e-mails, change phone numbers AFTER telling her to leave you and your family alone. Personally I would have told her to F-off a LONG time ago.

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