Post # 1
So, my FH is Korean and I am not. Recently, at a very awkward time, his mother and brother asked me if I would change into a traditional Korean dress after the ceremony. I was completely caught off guard and answered as honestly as I could that I didn’t think it would be possible as I’ll be all buttoned up in my dress with my special bra, etc, etc. Plus, I don’t even plan on leaving the party for a second to use the bathroom (which will be no easy feat for me), the last thing I want to do is miss a chunk of time making outfit changes.
What caught me most off guard is that when his brother got married in January his wife, who is Korean herself, did not wear a Korean dress. She actually had two dresses for the wedding (ceremony & reception) and neither one of them was a Korean dress. She did mention when they asked me the other night that she is going to wear a Korean dress to our wedding.
Am I a horrible person to not wear the dress? I laid awake for a long time that night thinking about it and finally decided I would put it on before my own dress and we could do family pictures. His extended family wouldn’t be there, but I thought it was a nice compromise. I quickly realized however that wouldn’t work either. My FH and I are doing pics and a first look before the wedding. Selfish or not, I want the first time he sees me to be in my dress. Not see my hair and make-up, take pics in the Korean dress, and then go change and he sees me again in my dress. Ugghhhh so confusing.
Give me advice bees!! What would you do in my situation?!? I don’t want them to think I don’t appreciate their culture but this dress thing would be difficult to pull off with the way I’ve already planned everything out. I haven’t ruled out doing it beforehand but…it’s just not how I pictured my groom seeing me for the first time and once I’m in my dress, I’m not coming out of it until bedtime.
Just as a side note, my FH hasn’t even mentioned it since. Sometimes I think he doesn’t even care that he is Korean. Heck, I’m the one pushing the Asian fusion station at cocktail hour for his family… . So don’t tell me to ask for his advice, it’s a dead end!!
Post # 3
If it doesn’t matter to your Fiance, do what you want to do. Can you wear a Korean style dress to the rehearsal dinner or something like that?
Post # 4
I would ask FH how he feels about the situation. If he feels as strong as his mother does about it, I would probably do it. If he doesnt care either way, I definitely WOULD NOT do it! Good Luck!! =)
Post # 5
You know what? You are not Korean. You might be marrying someone who is, but YOU are not. Ask your fiance what he thinks about it; if it’s important to him, then fit it in somehow. If not, don’t sweat it! It is YOUR wedding day, and although you are joining two families together, it’s a celebration of the start of your and your new hubby’s life together.
If you still feel like you absolutely HAVE to wear it to appease someone in the family, maybe do a quick change at the rehearsal dinner?
Post # 6
Maybe you can look up Korean wedding traditions that you could do and incorporate them in the ceremony or in the reception. I think that would be a good compromise. Or have someone from his family do a reading in their language. Future Sister-In-Law did this at her wedding – she’s Mexican and Spanish and she had her godfather do a reading in Spanish, her Darling Husband is white.
And I totally feel you that your FH doesn’t care – mine doesn’t either lol. I’m black and we’re doing the jumping the broom ceremony at the end. He’s Mexican, Spanish, French, German, Native American, and Egyptian and I asked if wanted to do anything from any of those cultures. He said no, it’s up to me. Well, I’m not a part of those cultures, so I have no idea lol.
Post # 7
It sounds like they were just asking out of curiosity not out of requirement. I wouldn’t worry about it. You might talk to Fiance to find out if it’s a big deal (which it sounds like you already know the answer to)… but I don’t think there would be anything wrong if you stayed in your dress.
Post # 8
I think you’re making silly excuses. I get you don’t want to… but at the same time I really think that you’re covering that up with excuses that aren’t legit.
I suggest either sucking it up, because honestly that’s what I’d do. I would change late into the evening.
Do your engagement pics (or add another e-pic session) and have those pictures displayed at your wedding.
And think about it, these people seemed to have asked you in a kind manner, and didn’t throw a fit and rage over it. With that said I think you *should* in my opinion do the change.
Post # 9
I agree that you just have to suck it up and wear it or say you don’t want to. Personally, I would change later in the night when people are super drunk and your dress is all sweaty anyways hahaha
If not, wear it to the rehearsal. I think engagement pics are supposed to show you who you are as a couple, so to have you wearing a traditional Korean gown may not look that natural.
The way you wrote it in the OP sounds like they just asked if you would… which leads me to think this may be pressure you’re putting on yourself. His family may understand completely that you love your dress and you don’t want to take it off. Just say that.
Post # 10
If the brother’s wife didn’t wear it, I don’t think that you should feel that a question about whether you will wear it is pressure to do so. Just ask FI’s family again about it and find out. If they do want you to, suggest rehearsal dinner as a great compromise.
Post # 11
I agree with the previous poster who wrote that you are not Korean. I see no reason why you should wear something that is not part of your culture. Of course, I am not politically correct and I come from a country where it is not considered rude to speak one’s mind. Scots and Brits are known to be very frank and very direct. We never beat around the bush :-).
Post # 12
I would ask your Fiance. If it’s important to him, then you should find a way to do it. If he doesn’t care, then I wouldn’t do it for the wedding. Maybe I would do it for the Rehearsal Dinner.
However, I don’t agree that since you aren’t Korean, that you should just blow off their traditions. You see photos all the time of mixed weddings. My friend is white and still wore traditional Indian clothing and had her hands done in henna. Then at the reception she changed into her big white gown.
I’m not Japanese, but we are having a traditional Japanese Buddhist ceremony (private) after our wedding. Nothing wrong with it. Mr. Tattoo isn’t Buddhist, but he doesn’t mind it. He’s most excited about the sake ceremony. lol
Post # 13
Thanks for the advice ladies. I am still considering wearing it, I’m just trying to find a fair way to incorporate it and running into snags with all my ideas.
Just to be clear, I am all about incorporating Korean traditions into this wedding so I’m not making an “excuse” to get out of wearing the dress. With a custom bra built into my dress and 40+ buttons (not a zipper) down the back of my dress, it does not make for a quick change. I’m the one making sure we have traditional Korean food at our cocktail hour and I’m the one making sure we have chopsticks for those in his family who prefer to use them, kimchi on the tables at dinner, etc, etc, etc. So I’m definitely not ignoring his culture.
As some have mentioned it is my wedding day and yes, I am one of those people who has imagined it and role-played it in my head since I was 5, pillowcase veil and all. So yeah, I want certain things like the first time my Fiance sees me at all that day to be in my wedding dress..I don’t think that makes me a bad person.
The rehearsal dinner was a great idea except it wouldn’t work either because I’d be the only one in it and I think their point was to get family photos. As I said, it was asked at a really inappropriate time and it wasn’t a time for me to question their reasoning and vice versa. I’ll catch Fiance when he’s in a chatty mood and see what his opinions are…I’m wondering now if he even realized his mother & brother asked me the question!
Keep giving me your opinions and ideas…I am going to look into other traditional Korean wedding ideas to see if there are others we should incorporate.
Post # 14
@vmec: Agreed! No bride is present for 100% of the reception. The no bathroom breaks is not only a pretty flimsy excuse but theres no way you can say that will any certainity (unless your gonna wear some depends). You not a bad guy. If you don’t want to fine, but don’t use that as an argument. And I totally won’t do my first look in the Korean outfit either, but there is room for compromise, if you wan to. Personally I would welcome a dress change and would love to give a nod to my FH’s culture.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2011 - Catholic church followed by a botanical conservatory
If you don’t want to wear the dress, I wouldn’t. It seems a little unfair that their other daughter-in-law didn’t do it and they would expect you to. I mean, if you were super excited to wear the dress it would be one thing, but if it’s a big stress and you don’t feel as happy wearing the Korean dress, I don’t think that’s a good use of the cultural tradition either. (I don’t like when people feel SO forced to do something).
If it’s not a big issue, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. See how Fiance feels. How late is your wedding? Maybe you could change into the dress for a send off if you really want?
But if the dress is not for you and you are incorporating ALL these other parts of the culture, I don’t see why you should feel bad about skipping the dress.