(Closed) Am I being over sensitive about this?

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Hmmm, I totally understand where you’re coming from. My ex was addicted to porn and he had to watch porn while we were having sex, which at first was kinda fun, but it got old really quick. You should talk to him and find out why he feels like he needs to do this. I think he at least owes it to you to try and find a balance.

Honestly if it was me I would feel a little inadequate, which I know is not the case, but theres only so much a girl can take.

Post # 4
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

no! I don’t think you’re being too sensitive! If it  makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. You need to talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel and come up with a solution.

I kind of had a similar issue. I don’t like my Fiance looking at porn behind my back and it makes me EXTREMELY sensitive (same as you, I felt like I wasn’t sexy enough for him). I talked to him about it and he completely stopped looking. He was only looking vary rarely (once every two weeks or so) but it still made me really uncomfortable.

If it’s something that bugs you, just discuss it with him. If he can’t give it up or work on a solution  then that might be a sign of a bigger problem or an addiction, in my opinion. There are some girls who say “all men look at porn” but that’s BS.

Post # 5
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I don’t think you are being oversensitive, but I do think you and he should talk more deeply about how this makes you feel.  If watching porn helps him get in the mood, I don’t think there is anything wrong with that.  But if his watching porn affects your relationship or makes you feel badly about yourself, then he needs to know that and the two of you need to figure out a way for you to both have a satifying sex life.  Open, honest, non-emotional communication is key (and easier said than done).

Post # 6
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

You asked “does where he get his appetite from matter?” and I say – it matters exactly as much as it matters to you.  That’s the only scale for these things.  Does it make you feel bad?  Does it hurt your intimate life?  Does it decrease emotional intimacy?  Etc etc. 

One thing I would suggest, though, is to find out what sort of stuff turns him on.  Many guys are really visual, which explains part of the appeal of porn, and who knows, he might be reluctant to ask you to do something that turns him on.  I mean, like wear something specific, or behave more or less aggressively, something like that. 

And – my SO and I have been together for 6.5 years, active for 5.5, and we’re still adjusting and figuring out this intimacy stuff together.  I think it’s normal!

Post # 9
1104 posts
Bumble bee

Like others have said you can’t help the way you feel, only talk about it to come to an agreement between you about what’s ok and acceptable and what’s not. My Darling Husband watches a fair bit of porn, it doesn’t bother me at all. Sometimes we watch it together and that’s fun too. I would be worried though if it appeared he was actually incapable of having sex unless he’d warmed himself up by watching porn first, or like porn was a replacement for me. That would make me feel insecure too! I think like most things this is going to come down to how open and honest you can both be with each other. Good luck!

Post # 10
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I really don’t think this is a matter of being too sensitive–if it makes you feel bad, that’s all that matters, and you need to discuss it with him.  I understand–early in our relationship, we had several discussions on the matter and because I was SO uncomfortable with porn he stopped watching unless we watched it together (which for some reason, I’m ok with, I don’t know why).  It took us a while, but eventually we were able to have enough fruitful conversations for him to understand that I was really upset by this and that he needed to take my feelings into account.  I think you need to have a serious conversation with him–not accusing him of anything, because he’s not doing anything wrong, but letting him know how you’re feeling and asking him what the two of you can do to make you feel better.  As mountain.bride said, the only thing I would be really worried about is if he seems incapable of having sex without watching first–that might mean that counseling would be a good idea.  Otherwise, this is definitely something that the two of you can work through together so that you both feel good about the outcome!  Good luck!

Post # 12
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

this isn’t about your body…I have been through something similar, and I know other women who have as well…this is something that, if he continues after you talk, is his issue to deal with, possibly even porn addiction…make sure you give him a chance, once he knows how you feel about his behavior…if he isn’t willing to change to make you more comfortable, you might want to consider couples counseling with him

Post # 14
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

This is hard for me to understand.  I dont think he should need porn to get in the mood unless you both agree to watch it together and in my opinion that should only be on occasion, not every time you want to be intimate.

My fiance asked me if i would be mad if i came home and he was “helping himself” as you call it, and i said if i wasnt gettting what i needed from him then yes, id be mad.

I think maybe you two should seek counseling for this.  Maybe a pastor could help you out as well.  Our pastor has very realistic views on sex.

I wish you the best in figuring this out.  Its definitely not you.  Do you trust him?  Do you think if he knew how much it bothered you he would hide it?  

Post # 15
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

He sounds lazy!  I’m so confused, I have never known any guy who would rather please himself vs have sex with a willling participant!  To me this is a big red flag, you need to figure out what’s going on.

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