- 5 months ago
Are you really okay with being a forever girlfriend?
Are you really okay with being a forever girlfriend?
So his ex girlfriend is a bridesmaid at his sister’s wedding? Is that correct? And she still has feelings for him? And his sister made a point of telling him that? I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to work out why his sister doesn’t like you, she wants her brother to get with this very close friend of her’s.
This entire situation is weird, and frankly I’d be out of the relationship. I’m not getting why you cant just get married without the expensive fancy party. Personally I think you have a boyfriend problem. I’m guessing that his family doesnt respect you and that their attitude is based on his attitude to you.
I’d be livid if I was referred to as “this thing,” so I’ll agree with you on that one. The rest of it, just let it go. You said yourself that he isn’t overly close to his family, so their lack of interest they seem to show you makes sense (may not be right, but it makes sense). If you want to seal the deal of not being an included part of the family, then don’t go to the wedding. If you want to be seen as a united front with a solid relationship, then go.
As a side note, I don’t see a hen party as the time to extend an olive branch. I wanted to hang out with my close friends and sisters, feel comfortable, and have a good time at my bachelorette party. The vibe totally would have changed for me if my sisters in law, who I am not close to, were there.
OP, I’m inclined to agree with those who think the family isn’t overly interested in getting to know you because they don’t think their son/brother is overly invested in his relationship with you either. And other than just agreeing to speak with them at a later date, he doesn’t seem very interested in trying to ingratiate you with his family either.
I mean, maybe it’s a situation where he just doesn’t care to be involved with his family and only does things with them out of duty, and you and he are on the same page about marriage not being priority and you two still being committed to each other long term. And if that’s the case, then you really don’t need to worry about whether they like you or wonder why they don’t. It shouldn’t matter (although if they are rude to your face, your boyfriend absolutely should shut that down).
As is often the case on these boards, posters back track, make excuses when discussing reasons why their S.o. won’t commit and try to reframe it as a joint decision even when it’s obviously not…. It’s understandable as it would be very painful to read/face/acknowledge that rejection. However I think in this particular case it may be a big root of the problem.
There is definitely a lot of dismissiveness going on from his family towards you – some of it is overt, and some of it is more subtle. But it’s not all in your head. They are definitely not treating you with a lot of respect or valuing you very highly.
However, I have learned in situations like this that it is never as simple as “his family is just being mean to me.” They are responding to the deeper message which is being broadcasted about your relationship and I suspect that deeper message is coming from him.
Notwithstanding that your boyfriend had financial and mental health issues for the first 3 years of your relationship, 6 years is a long time to not even table the idea of marriage. He is sending the message to you and to his family that the relationship is not heading towards marriage and hence, they are devaluing it.
In addition, from the way you have described it, he was dismissive towards you at the funeral. Yes, he may have been grieving. Yes, he may have had practical details to take care of. But to leave you sitting on your own with people you barely knew, to leave you trailing behind in your own car… I am sorry, but that is not what an attentive partner of 6 years does, and his family would have registered his behaviour (and the message it sends) loud and clear.
His pointed ignoring of your references to the lack of engagement and brushing it off with “don’t worry about it” sends the same message.
Bee – in short, they are not valuing your relationship (and by extension, you) because he is not valuing it. That is my take.
OP, I am very sorry that your feelings are hurt, I truly am. Loving a person with mental health issues, even if they are family, can be very trying. It seems that you came into the picture when your OH’s mental health was not optimal and his relationship with his family was broken. It seems like you resent them for not being thankful to you for helping your OH at his lowest point. I would just say that a) you only know the story from OH’s point of view and that is filtered through his mental illness AND b) they only know you through what your OH has shared with them and that seems to point to you only being a girlfriend. You aren’t family, and that 100% is on your OH.
As far as the bridesmaid ex, she is good friends with your OH’s sister and you aren’t. Maybe your OH and she were together when he was in a better place. Again, I don’t think it is you that OH’s sister doesn’t like, it is her impression of you as filtered through OH.
Look, if you aren’t on the same page about marriage, you might be wasting your time. I’m sorry. I know you love him. But, you are looking for the relationship that wives have with their spouse and the spouse’s family and your OH isn’t interested in you being a wife.
Please be gentle with yourself and give you the best chance at your own happiness.
I’m sure someone else has said this also, but even if he did propose, it’s not going to magically change your relationship with his family. The fact that you’re not on the same page as he is, the restentent will grow about him not proposing and can certainly drive more of a wedge into your relationshp.
What does OH stand for?