Post # 1
So first a little background on my last horrible relationship that has me so “crazy” as my Fiance calls it. Whenever something went wrong whether it was a leaky faucet, no toilet paper, dirty dishes, etc.. The blame was on me. I didn’t get my butt chewed just for the situation but whatever else he could throw at me. Towards the end I began making bets with my best friend on what was going to be so wrong with me. He’d go out every night til one (sometimes he didn’t come home at all) and drink. And of course he’d say I was the reason. He’d say “I’ll be home tonight” only to show up drunk in the middle of the night or morning. He’d keep me up listening to music on his computer; crying over his brother saying he’s going to avenge him. The bedroom door would be closed so cigarette smoke would suffocate me. He also always talked about this school where troubled kids go and how he wanted to take a gun there and shoot everyone. On nights where he was somehow happy and drunk he’d (in his words) “joke around” and slap me in the face and act like I was his daughter’s mom and say how he would talk to her. He even started calling me her name one night. If there was any sex it would last two thrusts but other than that he’d either watch porn, masturbate whether or not I was in the room, or make me get undressed so he could touch me til he was finished and leave me to dry. But there was also one night he had held me down and anal raped me. People tried telling me he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing but I know he did. You just don’t stop mid thrust to put lube on and hold someone down to put it back in the vagina. We had somehow gotten infested with bed bugs in our tiny three room apartment. It could’ve came from mine or his workplace, our parents, his daughter’s moms, well you get it. However, he blamed it on my parents and said I couldn’t see them anymore. That I was 18 and I was out on my own anyways and didn’t need them. January 25, 2013, I’d just gotten home from work and he’d come home from the bar. The place had just been sprayed and his mom was coming over to help clean and wipe everything down. Before she’d gotten there he was already acting up. He was twisting my arm and throwing me down. I kept telling him to stop and he’d slap me in the face. She got to the apartment and he started calling her a bad mother and wished she was dead. She just took it and went about her way cleaning. He left to go get more alcohol and she’d asked me why was I still with him. When he came back he started throwing me down again and slapping me. When I said stop and he didn’t listen she got onto him and he went off on me. I had enough I started packing my things and called my friends dad to pick me up. When he got here my ex through a recliner chair off the balcony and nearly missed his car. They started yelling at each other and then my ex went inside and started loading his gun. That’s when they called the cops and when they came they were rough on him. And that was basically the end of that. Once I met my Fiance everything went amazing. Until one day when he came to pick me up, I met him outside my house and when he opened the door for me and hugged me I seen my ex’s car driving down the street. Next thing I know I’m getting calls and texts all night saying he’s going to kill himself and throwing his daughter at me. I ended up turning my phone off. I finally had enough I told him if he didn’t leave me alone I was going to call the cops. Five minutes later the cops are calling me giving me a lecture. The next morning my mom called me and said her tires have been slashed. After that he’d left us alone for a while. July 4th he started calling me again but I had called the police on him which they gave him a lecture but told me to change my number. Around August my Fiance came home and said my ex had gotten a job where he was. He always came to work impersonating a soldier (even go as far as to have someone make him a patch with his last name) and carrying a bible and was preaching to people (they work at a car factory) yet turn around and spread rumors saying I was still with him. My ex had started sending messages through Facebook saying my Fiance was cheating on me and he’s changed and doing a lot better. My Fiance would jump down his throat but it was no good. He’d taunt him and do whatever he could to get him fired. Well a couple weeks ago my Fiance learned that my ex was fired because the night before he had called a school and threatened gun violence. Then when he’d gotten on his Facebook my ex had sent him messages saying that he was sleeping with me and that his dad was in hell. My Fiance messaged him back saying stuff about getting raped in jail and that whenever he wants to man up and face him he’s more than welcome to come down and get straightened out. He tells me I have nothing to worry about. And that he’ll do nothing. I think I have every reason to be scared because the only time my ex will actually do anything is at night when I’m home alone and he’s at work. Two girls had came up to him and said my ex tried paying them $50 to call me and tell me they were sleeping with my Fiance because he wanted me to feel the pain he felt when I left. I know I have quite a while before he gets out of jail for him to do something but still would you be worried about what will happen when he gets out? Last I heard he’s facing a class four felony and up to a year in prison.
Post # 2
Holy shit, I’m scared!!!!
Post # 4
Take this very seriously. Do whatever you can to protect yourself. This man is dangerous, on more than one occasion he has threatened to shoot people, to open fire at a school. He is a danger to you and a danger to society, he should be in prison a lot longer than a year & should have a complete psych assessment.
First thing I would do, if you haven’t already, document everything. Include specifics like dates as much as you can. This could be helpful in the future in being taken seriously (shame on authorities who let him off with a warning or told you to just change your number) and in getting a protective order.
Second, call a local hotline or shelter that deals with abused women. Because you were an abused woman in the past, but your fear is still very much part of your present. They will be able to advise you on all the routes you can take. Can you be notified if he’s being released? What other steps can you take? Can you involve your local member of parliament? Are others taking action as well (the mother of his daughter must be terrified to have him around their daughter)?
I’m glad you have gotten out of that horrible relationship & found someone decent. Please do everything you can to stay safe!
Post # 5
Wow. I am very sorry you had to go through all that. Its very good you are out and he is in jail. I agree with the PP, document and date everything as you best remember. Try to keep yourself as anonymous as you can for now, stay off Facebook. You don’t want to give him any access or information of your daily habits or routine.
Do you have a security system in your home? Depending on your living arrangement you should have an alarm (ours has a key fob so the police can be called if i am not by the alarm box), a big dog and video cameras. It sounds paranoid but cameras are relatively inexpensive and the app to watch the feed is free. they can be placed so if damage is done then you can get a time stamp and have proof of the perpetrator for the police. Ours is small 8″ And sits in a spot that watches the front door, stairway and livingroom. We also have one in the backyard. our backyard had a peeping tom about 6 months ago and our house was vandalized a couple weeks ago, the police say it was marked to be robbed so we are being super safe.
If it is available then counseling could help you. The PP had a great suggestion to find a hotline.
Post # 6
When he went to jail the first time was there not a restraining order put on him?
I would definitly start the process of getting one. Even indirect contact ( through other people) is going against it.
I had an ex beat me almost to death. Broke every bone in my face in a drunken rage and to this day I don’t even know why or what I did to “deserve” it in his eyes. He went to jail for aggravated assault and was ordered not to contact me for 2 years after release. Also if he did contact me he would be sent back to jail. Of course I got a call from victims support to tell me when he was released…and what do you know..that day I get a call from a pay phone. I gave him that one chance. He called and I told him I have zero interest in speaking to him and I have the number of his probation officer and if he ever tried to contact me again I would be contacting them and I hung up.
Two weeks later I got an e – mail from him. I forwarded it to his probation officer and he went back to jail.
I’ve moved from a house to an apartment in another area,, changed jobs, changed phone numbers, got myself two pitbulls and barely ever leave my neighbourhood unless I’m with someone.
Yours is 100x worse than mine! I would have restraining orders up my butt and have the police called in every instance that he contacted myself or my Fi.
You and Fi need to have him blocked from fb. Id probably move, there is no way id want something like that knowing where i live and putting my family at risk. Id get a big dog, like i did..they are my alarm system if someone even knocks at my door they can hear at least one scaru big dog behind the door (one sort of growks and barks..the other whines and hopes someone is coming to play) Why your Fi continues to reply and aggravate him is beyond me. Everything needs to be documented. You need to do everything to get him away from your life and your family. Hopefully he has totally screwed himself in this. Have you gone to the police to tell them that he was talking about shooting up schools before and this wasn’t the first time he has mentioned it?
I’m really sorry you are going through this. Personally it would probably drive me over the edge.
Post # 7
Anon93: PP is correct. I have no idea why your Fiance thinks it’s a good idea to engage him.
Post # 8
Certainly you need to avoid all contact with him & get a restraining order.
The NRA offers a Personal Protection class for women. I’d get a gun & take the course–things are that bad. The course will teach you a lot about self defense, including the legal aspects.
Post # 9
Don’t mess around with people like that. Change your address, change your phone number, get working on those restraining orders. Educate yorself on privacy and protection. Do not engage with him, do not speak to him. Your Fiance needs to step the fuck back and do the same. Too much drama with the real potential for problems – don’t invite that into your life.
Post # 10
ummm you need pepper spray, an alarm system, a video surveillance system at your home and in your car and I’d maybe even go as far to buy a gun to keep in the house. I would make sure I was never alone in the street especially at night. Get a restraining order and make sure that your fiance and your family does the same.
I can’t imagine everything that you were/are going through, but you should have told someone when all of this was going on- ESPECIALLY about the rape so he could have been put away for a looooong time and you could have gotten the support that you needed with him gone. I understand why you didn’t, but I think you would really benefit from speaking with someone about all of this trauma that you endured as well as the mental trauma and post traumatic stress he continues to cause. You have the right to be scared- you should be scared. He is dangerous and clearly escalating. The best thing you can do for yourself is get help to heal all of the damage he has done to you.
I had an abusive ex years ago although it wasn’t as bad as what you endured. After I broke up with him, he started to show up and threaten me. It didn’t get too bad physically but he was an emotional and verbal abuser to the point where I was more afraid of that than anything he could have done to my physically. The fear he instilled in me was probably worse than anything I’d ever dealt with. I never pressed charges and I was too ashamed to really talk to a lot of people about it. For awhile I lived in fear and looked over my shoulder all the time. It seemed like he would find out where I was and either show up or have his brothers or his friends show up to harass me. One day, I just woke up and wasn’t going to let him intimidate me anymore. He took enough of my life away from me, and I didn’t want to be afraid or sad anymore so I needed to throw it back at him and let him know I wasn’t going to allow him to terrorize me or manipulate me. He was a new hot shot lawyer at a law firm and I threatened to let the firm know what was going on and publicly drag his name through the mud. The only thing he loved more than control and his image was money- so that threat finally made him go away.
I don’t think your ex will be as easily thwarted because he doesn’t have anything to lose. He is not afraid of consequences and he doesn’t seem to care what people think of him which makes him even more dangerous.
Post # 11
I hate to disagree with some of the PPs, unless you know how to handle a gun I would not get one. You say he can over power you easily, if you bring a gun into it then he has the gun and not you. You should have some protection, but not a deadly one if he is more comfortable with firearms than you are. Pepperspray or stun gun might be better.
Post # 12
I would start saving this stuff and get a restraining Order. Any calls, voicemail, email or text save it. Don’t say stuff like get raped in jail just tell him to leave you alone. Don’t egg him on. You need ro make sure if you do need evidence that there is nothing were you are instigating it even though he initiated it. he can be served an order of protection while he is in Prison.
Post # 13
Absolutely get a restraining order and bring all this to the police’s attention. If you rent an apartment/house, I’d move before he gets out of jail so he doesn’t know where to find you. If he contacts you, block his number. Your Fiance needs to ignore any calls from him, even if he threatens you, dont egg him on, that’s putting you both in danger. Save all proof of him threatening you. Get an alarm system on your house.
I agree that you should not get a gun if you don’t know how to use one / dont think you could ever use one. If you do decide to get one, I would take shooting lessons and really become comfortable. As others have said, if he shows up, he could easily overpower you if you didn’t use the gun right away.
Post # 14
Do not speak to him. Change your number. Delete your facebook. Move, at least into a new apt if not a new city. When he gets out of jail you need to be able to be completely hidden from him. Also, document/save anything he’s done (phone calls, texts, fb messages, etc) and get a restraining order. And protect yourself. Carry pepper spray, at the very least.
Post # 15
What really sticks out to me is.. What the hell is wrong with your FI?!!?!!
Why in gods name would he instigate a fight with this guy. I’m sorry but that’s just complete and utter stupidity. Put this in the hands of the police, your Fiance clearly has no common sense nor any interest in keeping both of you safe.
Your ex sounds mentally unstable and dangerous. The police need to be involved.