(Closed) Am I being paranoid over FI's close friend who's a woman?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Am I being crazy/paranoid or is there something to watch out for?
    You are crazy paranoid. : (13 votes)
    18 %
    Watch out for this chick, there might be something going on, on her side. : (21 votes)
    30 %
    Watch out for FI and this chick, there might be something going on on BOTH sides. : (37 votes)
    52 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    118 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

    I believe that married (or soon-to-be married) couples should not have close friends of the opposite sex. It is playing with fire.

    I would be really bothered by the lack of boundaries here. Your Fiance should respect your concerns and YOU should be his priority, not this chick.

    Post # 32
    Member
    1669 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    iheartpeonies:  I can tell you right now that I would be uncomfortable with this – and mostly because of the amount of time and emotional drain her relationship is having on YOUR relationship.

    I actually had to get rid of a female friend of mine after my Darling Husband and I started dating. There was no sexual attraction (in fact, she needed constant patting down about her boy problems), but she was too emotionally dependent on me for support.  Not “Jill is having a bad time right now” emotionally but constant needs to go out, talk on the phone, crying if I was busy, being snarky about Darling Husband, wishing we would break up, etc. I had time for it when I was single, but after I started dating him I started to realize how she was like a full time job and a lot of my interactions with her were guilt-driven.  DH never told me to get rid of her, but I could tell he was uncomfortable and he voiced his concerns calmly (for a lot of reasons) and I eventually phased her out.

    People of any sex and sexual orientation can overstep boundaries. It sounds like she is. She needs more help than he can give. He should take a step back if it makes you uncomfortable because that is completely valid. Your discomfort is warranted. I wouldn’t put up with that.

    Don’t fall into the “cool girlfriend” trap (or cool Fiance, or cool wife). Eff that. I’ve never understood that mentality. If you can’t be honest about your feelings with him, then with who? Tell him how you feel as calmly and rationally as possible. You guys need to be each other’s number one. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    701 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    iheartpeonies:  pixiecat:  actually, I would be pretty peeved if my husband was devoting this much of his time and attention listening to a male friend’s dating life. She needs to get a therapist and your fiance needs to learn about boundaries.

    Post # 34
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    My Darling Husband has good female friends, but NONE of them would be this close. They will talk to each other but I never feel like I have to be jealous or that someone else is taking up DH’s emotional energy and physical time. I do raise any issues with jealousy and I talk it out, but that’s because I am fiercely loyal, and I expect my Darling Husband to be the same, and full transparency is the only way to do it. 

    It would be inappropriate for one person to constantly use my Darling Husband as the one and only person they’d approach for love life anything advice. He and I are each others’ #1. This woman has gone through a lot in her life and most of it is men / relationship problems – she should be seeing other GIRLfriends and a therapist about this. It is emotionally unbalanced for her to seek it from your Fiance. 

     

    I think it’s important that you and Fiance establish clear boundaries going forward now that you are committed to be married. As a friend, your Fiance should set a boundary with her and not be her therapist – he will become increasingly unavailable as he builds a life with you and she has to stop relying on that.

    Post # 35
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee

    Once my SO and I were going to lunch on my lunch break and when I picked him up he was on the phone with his best female friend. they don’t talk much so he was continuing to talk to her during the drive to the restaurant, during his order (he held the phone aside and it was a cafeteria style place so not a waiter) and during a significant portion of our meal. I was fuming by the time he was done and he told me that i was being unreasonable since he talks to her so infrequently and spends 24/7 with me. I very clearly explained that time spent has nothing to do with it and it’s a simple matter of respect. If you’re with someone, be with them, and if you’d rather spend your time talking to someone else, then I won’t stick around while you’re doing that. she is relying on him the way that you rely on him and that is not okay. Also about the name thing, I’d be furious if my SO called me by another woman’s name, especially one he was so close with. The fact that you’re becoming interchangeable in his head, even for a second is a serious problem. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    CaroBee: I think this was the best reply. You hit the nail on the head.

    Just because two people are not sexually attracted to one other, doesn’t mean they can’t overstep boundaries. And FWIW, OP being called the wrong name implies this girl is around A LOT. One’s marriage is supposed to take precedence above all relationships, except the one you have with your god(s) (if you swing that way). Even above the one with your KIDS. If my Fiance had a female friend he was constantly texting, calling, talking about problems with, I would find it immature, if not downright threatening. <br /><br />

    I agree with a PP that this is also a generational thing – all the oversharing of intimate details (I’m guilty). While I have no desire for us to go back to the strict gender division and sexism of the 50’s, there was a lot more privacy and…dignity…to relationships (at least in theory). You may have had friends of the opposite sex, but they were like close acquaintances. You talked about neutral subjects. You kept a respectful distance. I think that that is healthy. As a culture, we are obsessed with independence and dislike self-sacrifice. Why shouldn’t I have a boyfriend and tons of boy friends? But at some point, you have to sacrifice things that distract from your marriage. I guess that’s a pretty traditional view. I suppose a lot of people do it differently.

    Post # 37
    Member
    4521 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    iheartpeonies:  My Darling Husband had a work friend who went through a tough break up and confided in him. Now, I was fine with that because Darling Husband and I both have opposite-sex friends and are usually 100% fine with each other’s friendships. 

    However, this girl started to emotionally lean on my Darling Husband more & more (and his fellow male coworker) to the point where he stayed late one night because she needed support. Then, when she got fired, she called Darling Husband in tears and we had to go pick her up and ended up bringing her to our house to calm down. 

    Finally, I had to explain to Darling Husband that I’m glad he’s a good friend and that people trust him – however, when you’re married, it’s not okay for another woman to be emotionally dependent on you. The occasional moment is fine – when Darling Husband almost lost his job, I called my best (male) friend for support – he made me laugh and that was the end of it, though. I didn’t start depending on him as my main support; that was still my husband.

    I guess my point is this – it’s fine that his best friend is a woman and they talk one-on-one. However, you may want to gently broach two points: (1) as his Fiance and future wife, you must be his priority – you come 1st, not her, and (2) as a engaged/married man, he needs to be careful not to let other women depend on him to fulfill their emotional needs. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    182 posts
    Blushing bee

    (for the record, i am a man)

    I personally believe that it depends on the type of relationship you have between yourself and your man and how honest you really believe you are to one another.

    I recently lost a good friend, and became close to his wife. I text her almost everyday, and call her once a week. This situation might be different but I did put into consideration what my now Fiance would feel.

    My Fiance is mutual friends with my friend that passed and his wife, but not as close as I am to HIM. She understands that his wife is greiving and needs close friends around, which she considers me. There have been times where she has called me at 2:30 am because she needed someone to walk to. I told my Fiance about it and she was ok.

    My Fiance and I do not live together so our situation is different from yours.

    Open and honest communication is key in a relationship. Sometimes you gotta be serious about things like this, sit down at the table and talk until you feel that you’ve got a solution. If you can’t, maybe reconsider your engagement together. It’ll save legal fees for a future divorce.

    Post # 39
    Member
    14969 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    If she’s a close friend before you came along, then she’s just a friend.  In terms of “boundries”, they are wherever you do agree on.  I disagree that when you guys are home that ALL his attention should be on YOU the entire time.  When would he talk to his friends then?  At work?  While commuting?  Not at all?  He didn’t get up from dinner to go talk to her at least.  But as long as he’s not on the phone/gchat with her for hours everynight and not spending time with you or unless it’s taking time away, then I don’t see the problem.  I chat with a few other male friends almost daily throughout the day at work and at home.  Sometimes I even leave for an entire Sat or Sunday to shop and have dinner.  Darling Husband has no problem with this. 

    Post # 40
    Member
    6 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    iheartpeonies:  My Fiance is athletic so I tried saying “when you pick your team, I want you to pick me first like I would pick you first.”  The team reference has stuck with him because he brings it up to me now. 

    I’ve thought about it a lot and I wish I had tried to better explain to him that even though I trusted him and wasn’t accusing him of having a physical relationship, I felt like he was treating her like she was also his significant other.  I felt like I had one SO while he had two.  I felt like I didn’t hold a special, one-of-a-kind place in his life.

    Also when I got to spend time with him, I naturally gave him my attention because I was grateful for that time together and I just enjoyed being with him.  I felt like he put me on hold every time we were together to talk to her and it made me feel like I wasn’t important to him, or at least, not more important than her.  If I’m not the most important non-relative woman in his life, then why was he with me?

    I rambled a bit above in case the things I wish I had said will help you.  He told me that he had started ignoring some of her texts and when she asked him to get together with her he told her “we” were pretty busy.  The last time we were all together she asked him to join a sports team with her.  He is already extremely busy but I was so happy that he told her again that “we” were really busy.  She recently sent him a public message on Facebook saying that she missed her “best friend” and suggested that we go on a double date.  We haven’t talked about it.  I’m not interested.

    Post # 41
    Member
    1378 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

    I don’t believe men and women can be completely friends as a same set friendship.  One person always wants more than the friendship.   How many long-time friends have become relationships that you know?  There can be friendships just not that close.  

    Post # 42
    Member
    219 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I don’t know about this one…

    I have a group of guys that I often hang out with, sometimes one-on-one. We traveled together for weeks and hang out a lot. Everything has always been strictly platonic until we were all out drinking one night and one of the guys walked me home (we live in a not so safe city for walking). When he got to my door, he tried to make moves – like full on tried to kiss me! What I thought was platonic clearly wasn’t and if I had been any “weaker” or drunker, who knows what would have happened?! 

    So… I guess what I’m saying is that I’m in the camp that it’s really hard for people of the opposite sex to just be platonic friends at all times – even if one of them thinks it is. 

    The topic ‘Am I being paranoid over FI's close friend who's a woman?’ is closed to new replies.

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