(Closed) Am I being petty? (just a rant)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

You say she is usually there for you, but she’s never been to a wedding before. Unfortunately, some people are just kind of clueless and don’t understand what kind of support a bride and groom need until they’re in that position themselves.

I would give your friend a break, and just lower your expectations for her. Sounds like she’s going through a stressful time and being in a wedding is really out of her comfort zone, and a lot of the things she’s saying to you are coming out of anxiety and insecurity. You can ask her to stop complaining, though, or tell her that she’s making you feel bad. She might not even realize she’s having a negative impact on you.

Post # 3
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

She does sound awkward. But I feel bad for her too. I think I’d be hurt if you asked me to step down. If you say “hey, step down if you want”, you can’t expect her to turn around and say “I love you, I want to be there for you” when you don’t seem too fussed whether she does this or not. And as for the dresses, of course she doesn’t want to wear a $100 dress and stand up with girls in significantly more expensive ones.

You also hired an airbnb which doesn’t have enough beds for all the girls to stay there the night before. I’m sure they didn’t expect a 5* hotel, but they should at least be comfortable, and I don’t think expecting your own bed is unreasonable. It’s your wedding, these girls are giving up their time for you, and not everybody is comfortable sharing a bed with someone aside from their partner. You should make it as easy for them as possible to be in your wedding. Your Maid/Matron of Honor with the issue probably chose to swallow her concerns and discomfort because it is your wedding, and because she doesn’t want to feel left out.

I don’t think it’s a big deal. I don’t think you need to worry. I certainly wouldn’t push her to step down, that’s rude and hurtful, and I think you’d regret it. Try to be a friend, not a bride. See her as an equal, with her own valid opinions.

Post # 5
Member
7535 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
hermionepadme :  But everyone knows when someone says “you have the option of stepping down if you want” it is usually code for “I want to keep my hands clean and not be the bad guy by dumping you”. 

Sorry but giving someone an out means you have thought about the situation and think having her out of your wedding is a good solution.

I understand that you are trying to keep everyone happy. But I do think you are overthinking and over analysing her actions. Every other bridesmaid is staying over so do you really expect her to be that one bridesmaid that says no? Especially after you have already hinted at her stepping down?

 

Post # 6
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

Are there many affordable matte, long, light gold dresses in the stores you’ve visited? I did a quick search and didn’t come up with much, so I see where she’s coming from when she said it was complicated and that pink would be much easier. She might have bought the more expensive dress for that reason (and because she didn’t want to spend even more time shopping for it). I probably would have handled it the same way, even with my best friends.

Honestly, at this point I’d focus on the friendship, not the wedding, and invite her out for a drink for the sole purpose of catching up (tell her explicitly that you just want to hang out with her, no wedding talk at all).

I don’t know all the details and what her tone has been, so I can’t say for sure what’s going on in this situation, but I’d give it the benefit of the doubt. You say she’s a great friend so I’d try to enjoy that, and let as much wedding-related stress go as possible.

Post # 9
Member
1974 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

View original reply
hermionepadme : But it’s YOUR wedding. You’re hosting. You have the responsibility as the bride to make things as easy as possible for people in your wedding party. She spent $150 more than she could afford so that she fit in with the other bridesmaids and wear the right colour. Do you think she’d spend money that she doesn’t have if she didn’t care about you and your wedding?

You said in another thread that the wedding is at 10am, hair and makeup is from 6am, and you want the peace of mind that you know where your bridesmaids are rather than worrying about them having to make a 40-50minute journey. The airbnb benefits you, it isn’t just a selfless good deed, and you weren’t simply pandering to their requests. They are dedicating a lot of time and effort to your wedding, and you should appreciate that.

Your bridesmaids and you should all be getting ready together on the morning of the wedding. Letting her know that she can just get ready at home and then join you for the ceremony would not be very nice. In all honesty, you don’t sound very accomodating, and I think you can do more to make your girls happy and enjoy this experience.

Lower your expectations and be more understanding. This can either be awkward and fueled by drama, or it can be a relaxed and enjoyable experience for everyone involved. I know which of the two I’d prefer.

Post # 10
Member
6556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You’re creating situations where there’s a lot of social pressure on her. She didn’t like the sleeping arrangements (TBH I can’t blame here; I wouldn’t like that either) but everyone else signed up to stay at the AirBnB so she did too. She wanted to spend $100 on a dress she’d wear just once, but everyone else spent $250 so she did too. Never mind the fact that you should be covering these expenses and not passing them along to your friends, you’re also putting her in a position where it’s very difficult for her to decline making these purchases even though she clearly wants to. Your heart may be in the right place but it sounds like hers is too, and it sounds like neither of you are executing on your good intentions well at all. 

Post # 11
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think bridesmaids are more than just a dress and an appearance. I have never known a bride to pay for a dress and I don’t know where you are getting a real bridesmaid dress for under $100. There is a part of me that feels like this maid might be having a problem with things not being about her. I do not know her personally so I won’t get too much into that, but if a bride wants long dresses the color of snot, she should be able to have that. It shouldn’t matter if she is your friend, ti is your day and you should be able to determine how it looks based on your own vision. Most formal dresses women purchase are worn once anyway, so I do not think that is an issue worth considering. Regarding the AirBnB; budget is always a factor and if the two maids of honor are best friends as well then what is wrong with them sharing for the night. It really isn’t that deep I don’t think. You sacrifice for your friend on her day and hope that she is happy and has the day of her dreams. 

Post # 13
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
hermionepadme :  I think you have been more than accommodating. I think your friend is being a tad selfish in my opinion. It is your day and you shouldn’t be jumping through hoops to make one person happy. It doesn’t seem to me that you are having these issues with the other maids, so that leads me to wonder what is this particular maids deal? Do not stress about it. Leave things as they are and if she keeps pushing back let her know how it is making you feel. It sounds like she feels like it is a chore to be in your wedding and if she is your friend she should not feel that way. She should be happy to stand by you and support you on this transition into your new life. Just my thoughts.

Post # 14
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you are concerned that she can’t emotionally handle the stress of being a bridesmaid, you’re doing the bride thing wrong.  There should not be any stress related to being a bridesmaid.  

As for the AirBnB, the option would be to either say, “ladies, I’m sorry, but I don’t have it in my budget to get a place big enough for all of us, so let’s just get ready together at my house or at home or wherever” or to look for a place where everyone could have their own space. I would NOT want to share a room with someone else – those days are long past for me.  And if they are asking to get their hair and makeup done, not you, then you are under no obligation to pay for it.  No is not a four-letter word – use it.

It sounds like you are trying to be so accomodating, but it’s just getting messy – these are presumably adult women, right?  tell them what color dress you want them in, what time to show up and let the rest go.

Post # 15
Member
6350 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Well first, I see that you told all your BMs that they could pick their own dresses. That’s great but you did give them a very difficult color to work with. I actually think it would’ve been easier in this situation to have just picked a specific dress if you wanted that color so badly. Also, I get that she only wanted to pay $100 for her dress (I’m with her there!) but you put her in a really uncomfortable situation. EVERY other Bridesmaid or Best Man was getting a more expensive dress. I totally get the social pressure in that situation to go over budget and go with the flow.

As for the Airbnb, I’d actually be really unhappy about sharing a bed with someone else (unless that person is my husband) too. I am a private person and I like my own space. Especially when I have to wake up at 6am or whatever to get my hair and makeup done. And what’s the bathroom situation like there? That would also be a big concern of mine. But in the end yes, I’d probably cave if I heard everyone agreed to it. I wouldn’t want to be the odd one out. But would I be happy about it? Nope.

I think it’s clear that your heart has been in the right place, but yes, some of these decisions would irritate me as well. And then you gave her an “out,” which might have felt like a slap in the face to her…especially after she’s doing these things she’s uncomfortable with (going over budget, staying at the Airbnb) in order to not cause drama and make you happy on your big day. You were trying to be nice but I’m sure she assumed (as would I) that your “out” was a way of telling her that she kind of stunk as a Bridesmaid or Best Man and things would go better without her in the picture.

Also, you said your wedding is still over a year away…is there a reason all this needs to even be taken care of right now? You have plenty of time. I’m surprised you even found an Airbnb this far in advance.

The topic ‘Am I being petty? (just a rant)’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors