- 5 years ago
So let me just start with saying that I do understand that my bridesmaids are only obligated to buy a dress and show up that day. They do not need to help me with anything else.
I have two maid of honours. The three of us all went to high school together. One of the girls has been a little less than enthusiastic about the wedding, namely complaining about costs, colour of the dress, style of the dress, comfort of the bed…
Because my girls didn’t want to go to my place, which is far from the venue location, to get ready, I rented an AirBnB for everyone to stay in the night before. The place only has 3 queen beds (1 more bridesmaid) so likely people will need to share. I told everyone they can either stay with me the night before or come to the AirBnb place the morning of, the choice is up to them. And she responded with, “How comfortable are the beds? Why didn’t you book a place so each of us has a room?” She had the option of staying in her own place, I don’t know why she felt it was necessary to make me feel bad for not getting them a five star hotel by my wedding venue.
I picked a matte light gold as my bridesmaids’ dress and for weeks she kept on telling me that I picked a complicated colour. I should go with pink or an “easier” colour. She also wanted to wear a short dress even though all the other girls wanted to wear a long dress. I told her she could wear a short dress if she wanted to and I didn’t mind her being different from the rest of the group. She was upset that I didn’t make it a “rule” for all the other girls to wear short dresses too.
She was also upset that she had to pay for her own dress. I actually understand that it’s quite upsetting to purchase a dress to only wear for one occasion, which is why I only dictated the colour and everyone was free to pick their own dress. But she didn’t think that was fair. She didn’t think it was normal (I’m from Canada) for bridesmaids to buy their own dresses. And basically, I should have bought everyone their dress, but I chose to be cheap and not to.
Even with all that, I am understanding, she did recently get a new job and bought herself a new condo. So I know she has a lot going on and is tight with money. So her reactions may be due to stress.
The part that gets me is that she’s told me on numerous occasions that she’s on board if other people are on board and doesn’t want to be left out. So for example, her original budget for a dress was under $100. But when we all went shopping together, because all the girls bought $250 dresses, she also went and got a $250 dress. I told everyone that we didn’t need to rush on the dress and we can always keep shopping, just to make sure she didn’t feel pressured to buy something just to not feel left out. But she was more than eager to buy the dress… which I was quite surprised.
Regarding the Airbnb place, she had so much to say about the sleeping arrangements and the comfort of the beds but once she realized everyone else was going to stay there, she also signed up to stay there.
I know that she had a lot going on so I’ve sat down and also had a frank discussion with her. I told her that I love her and I know she’s going through some tough times and I can understand that being a bridesmaid could aggravate it. And if she wanted out, it would not affect our friendship in any way and I would more than understand. She told me that, “Oh no. I definitely want to stay a bridesmaid. I would feel bad if ____ (my other friend) has to do everything herself.”
I guess I’m not asking for any advice, just wanted to rant a little. I’m okay if she decides the wedding is too much for her, but I don’t have the heart to kick her off or start a fight. I’m just seeking to understand. I’m a little hurt that she only wants to do things because “everyone else is doing it” and she doesn’t want to be left out. And her reason for staying as a maid of honour is “I don’t want ____( my other friend) to do everything herself.”
Shouldn’t she want to be my maid of honour because she wants to be there for me that day? I get it if you have a budget or there are things you’re uncomfortable with, but it bothers me when suddenly your budget opens up because everyone else has a higher budget than you. Or the discomfort of beds is no longer an issue because everyone is going. If she can do something, why won’t she just do it for me? Why wait to see how many people do it before you agree to it? She’s pretty much my closest friend which is why she’s my maid of honour.
Is it unreasonable for me to wish that as my maid of honour, her heart should be supporting me as well and not just my other friend who is maid of honour? Why must she wait to see how many people do it before she agrees to it?
This is just strange for me because she is basically one of my closest friends. And I have never had an issue of her being there for me. I’ve tried talking to her and her response has mainly just been “I’ve never been to a wedding before. This is my first one.” and “No, I don’t want to stop being a maid of honour because I have to support the other maid of honour.”
Can anyone explain this behaviour to me? Is this normal?