(Closed) Am I being petty? (just a rant)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
4021 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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hermionepadme :  I think everyone is being a little too hard on you. For my wedding, I did not rent any hotel rooms for my bridesmaids–that would have completely wiped out a large chunk of our budget. I gave everyone the option of staying with me the night before or meeting us in the room the morning of. Of the girls that chose to stay: two shared a bed with me, two slept on the pull out couch, and one slept on the chaise lounge in the room. To me knowledge, no complaining, no issues. However, I honestly did not care if people chose to sleep there or come later. They were adults and I trusted them to get there on time. I think expecting you to rent a room per girl is a tad unreasonable. You rented one room for them and they did not have to pay, correct? So it’s free lodging the night before that they could choose to use or not. That’s more than a lot of brides do for their bridesmaids.

As for the dress, I have also been in several weddings where choosing the dress just sucks in the wedding. Yes, you probably chose a color that limited the selection of dresses in general. And I can see where your friend did not want to be the odd man out in a different dress and length. Even though you weren’t personally pressuring her into the dress, she probably still felt pressured. Could you possibly offer to pay the difference for her as a gesture of good will? 

Also, while you knew you were doing a good thing, the entire conversation about her dropping out from the wedding was probably a shock for her. It shows that you’ve been thinking about it. I would, if you could, either take her out to coffee to just kind of express how grateful you are that she’s in your wedding, or I would write her a letter or something. Just do something so that she feels that she’s wanted. I know you feel as if she is only doing things because other people are, but that really isn’t a bad thing. You can want to do something, but not be able to afford it, but when you feel pressured to do so, will do it. 

All in all, I see that you are providing them a room for the night before the wedding and paying for their hair and makeup. Offer to pay the difference on your MOH”s dress. And for what it’s worth, in every wedding I’ve been in, I’ve paid for my own hair, makeup, dress, and hotel room the night before and after. 

Post # 17
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

I think you’re fine.

For the most part there will always be one person who is a little…. difficult.

One of my Bridesmaid or Best Man fought me on everything and then after the wedding she went back to being her sweet self. I don’t know what it it about wedding, but it sometimes brings the worst out in people. I also disagree with BubblesandCupcakes who said that “it’s YOUR wedding. You’re hosting. You have the responsibility as the bride to make things as easy as possible for people in your wedding party.”
While you obviously want to accomodate your bridal party and make things as enjoyable for them as possible… you have other things to worry about, and worrying about your bridesmaids should not be one of them… NOT because you shouldn’t care, but because they should also be making this as enjoyable for YOU as possible. 

 

I think some bees are being a little rough. I think your Bridesmaid or Best Man is just being difficult

Post # 18
Member
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I totally disagree with most of the PPs. I don’t see where you did anything wrong. Your bridesmaid is being difficult. The only thing you maybe could have done different is have pre-selected 20+ gold dresses for the girls to pick from at different price points.

 

Post # 23
Member
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

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hermionepadme :  *eyeroll* getting to re-wear a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress is a bonus, not a requirement.

Post # 24
Member
925 posts
Busy bee

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hermionepadme :  people will often do that unfortunately. Just go with the flow and weed out the comments that are nasty for no reason because you will come across some. 

Post # 25
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Honestly, for a 10 am wedding and 6 am make-up appointment (whether professional make-up was required or not), I would definitely rent accomodations for my bridesmaids that were close to the venue and adequate, and for me that would mean everyone got a separate bed. I would also never require them to buy a certain color dress or anything they were required to spend hundreds on that they would only wear once. I understand that this is traditional and accepted, but I think it’s an undue and unnescessary hardship. Why would you want your friends to incur an expense like that? Of course, most bridesmaids in the US pay for their own one-use dressses and expect to do, so if she agreed, she should live up to her end of the bargain. My personal opinion is that your bridesmaids are standing up at your wedding, and I think you need to accommdate them, not the other way around.

Post # 26
Member
9756 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Well, she has a point about making grown adult women share a bed the night before the wedding and about matte light gold being a complicated color to find a proper dress in that doesn’t cost and arm and a leg.

I would say it could also be possible she purchased the more expensive dress because she didn’t want people to think she was having money problems. I can see how if everyone gets a $250 dress and she has to go out and get a $40 dress it might be embarrassing and make her feel like the country cousin of the group. 

I also think you were in the wrong to pick an airBNB that you knew didn’t have enough space for everyone. You’re hosting the girls, part of being a good host is making sure everyone has their own space and doesn’t need to share. 

Post # 27
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t think you’ve handled this badly. I think your bridesmaid is just kinda overwhelmed and not being tactful. Money is a tricky subject. 

If the money was the biggest factor she could have bought a less expensive dress – you only asked her to buy it for this occasion. It’s not your problem if she can wear it again somewhere else. 

If you didn’t offer to cover hair for everyone, she should NEVER have asked you to cover it (unless maybe she asked if you’d cover her hair and she’d do her own makeup instead). 

You’re offering the airbnb option as your best option so that there is somewhere closer. That’s very nice of you. And they can take it or leave it. They could get their own hotels if they don’t like that. You’ve given them some options and you’re covering certain costs. They can figure out what else is important to them and cover those costs themselves. It doesn’t have to become so personal to anyone…

Post # 28
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

For the record, I don’t think it’s out of line for BMs to share a bed in an AirBNB situation. Depending how many people we’re talking about, it can be unrealistic to find an AirBNB with that many private beds. It’s free lodging you’re offering, they don’t HAVE to stay there. I think ppl are being tough on you on that.

Post # 29
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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hermionepadme : 

Hi Bee, im sorry that she is acting this way for you. Sometimes friends dont realise how difficult, selfish or hurtful they are being! I recently got married and your situation with your Bridesmaid or Best Man seems similar to mine. She complained about everything from start to finish, making me feel bad and just generally being difficult or bitchy (even including the night-before accommodation. She refused to share with anyone which was awkward)

I should have taken all the little things she said/did as warning signs as we are now not talking because i ended up confronting her about her behaviour beforehand as well as on the wedding day

Hopefully your friend picks up her act because there is nothing worse than being at war with someone over your wedding. Its too stressful and upsetting! If you let her know early on how you feel and how her actions/words are affecting you hopefully you can avoid any mishaps.

Btw i don’t think you’re being petty at all. Its your big day, if she can’t be happy for you or support you then she doesnt deserve to be a part of it

 

Good luck x 

Post # 30
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Other bees have addressed most of your post but you just asked how to deal with the air bnb situation. Since your wedding is a year away, cancel this place and book someplace with at least a bed for everyone. I don’t think you need a ROOM for everyone, but expecting them to share a bed (bc I assuage you aren’t) is unreasonable.

 

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