(Closed) Am I being reasonable here? In-laws & finances

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

And on second thought, if a formal rehearsal dinner is really important to you, why don’t you just have everyone pay for their own meal? If you’re financially strapped, there is no reason you should feel obligated to pay for a huge group dinner…

Post # 32
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yes, I think you’re being selfish.

Your wedding does not trump helping family.

However, think carefully about marrying this guy, because it sounds like his family will always need financial help from you and it will cause great stress in your relationship…enough to create strong resentments and end your marriage.

Post # 37
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Um.. if I’m reading this correctly, your future in-laws are so broke they don’t have running water, and you’re miffed about them not paying for your RD?  I truly, truly hope I got that 100% wrong because that’s terrible.

You don’t need a Rehearsal Dinner.  You don’t need to buy a house as soon as you’re married.  You don’t need a fancy honeymoon.  They’re all lovely things, but you don’t need them.  People do need running water and electricity, though.  

I suggest you adjsut your priorities and recognize that your Fiance is trying to help his parents who are truly in a bad place.

Post # 39
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
brunette7285 :  In my opinion, if you weren’t upset about the Rehearsal Dinner, you wouldn’t have made it a central theme of your post and you would have just talked about how your Fiance was giving them money without discussing with you and not being in line with your financial priorities.  It really has to point no being in here, except to stir the pot.  

I don’t think you should cancel your wedding, but I also don’t think that you paying their water bill is an amount necessary to even bring up cancelling the wedding.  $100 to help his parents out is really nothing.  

These are going to be your inlaws.  They are going to be in your life for a very long time.  Pehaps you should try to be more empathetic towards their situation and less judgmental.  Yes, they bought their stepdaughter a homecoming dress — perhaps in their eyes, that was the bigger expense at the time.  Teenage years are hard, and perhaps they saw the peer pressure/teasing/hurt feelings that may come along with not being able to go to the dance.  Maybe not.  There are always things you don’t know in situations you aren’t involved in, and you need to try to understand where they’re coming from instead of immediately reacting.  Based on your response of ‘oh so I should cancel my wedding” to my comment of needing to adjust priorities to help your inlaws, I think that you need to work on processing and thinking things through before immediately reacting.  If you did that, you might see that helping your inlaws’s having a basic standard of living is more important than a fancy Rehearsal Dinner.

Post # 41
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
brunette7285 :  I just wanted to let you know my Fiance and I are struggling with this too.  Just last night we had an argument (well, not really an argument, more like me being mad at him) because he gave his mom $100.  We are struggling, too.  Just like yours, they can buy their special princess daughter everything and send her on vacations etc. but they can’t pay their basic bills and they have treated Fiance like crap his whole life, mooching off him and saying mean things to him?  It’s really effed up and upsets me. 

Post # 42
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
brunette7285 :  I’m not sure why you bothered to ask if you are being reasonable when it’s clear you don’t want to hear from anyone who disagrees with you. All this discussion of how horrible your in-laws are to your Fiance just sounds like a bunch of excuses to justify your position. Even if everything happened exactly as you say, your Fiance has chosen to forgive them and put that behind him. How is it helpful to him for you to harp on the past and try to make him feel bad about his relationship with his family?  The important thing right now is that they need help and he wants to help them.

Also please stop saying you don’t care about the Rehearsal Dinner – it’s very clear that you do care. Half your post was about the dinner. There is no need to bring the dinner up to his parents ….THEY DON’T HAVE RUNNING WATER!  I think you can safely assume the dinner is off unless you plan and pay for it yourself. 

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