(Closed) Am I being reasonable, or rude? (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2006

Umm, I don’t know.  In his case can you just do an “and Guest”?  I mean, by the time the wedding rolls around he could be 5 girls removed from the one he is dating now :). 

And don’t hit, it’s not nice.

Post # 4
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Why does he need a +1? They aren’t engaged, living together, or married.

Problem solved.

Post # 5
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would say in this case, wait and see.  Sally may not even be in the picture when your wedding is closer.  If you are giving everyone a date though, I think you kind of have to let him have a plus one, BUT you could always limit your plus one invites to those living together, engaged or married, which would work.  The only problem with that is then you can’t be picky and choosey, so it would depend on who else you are inviting and what you were going to do for their plus ones.  If I were in your position, I wouldn’t want to invite this Sally either, but I think your Fiance is right in that it would be pretty rude for him to not invite J.  That doesn’t necessarily mean you need to let him have a plus one though!

Post # 6
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@kt23525: Invite J. Don’t invite Sally. They aren’t engaged or living together, so no ivnite for her. He can come and go stag or not come at all.

Post # 7
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

I feel like your Maid/Matron of Honor is such a huge part of your day (and your life!) and I would be more inclined to not invite Sally to spare your MOH’s comfort on your wedding day.

It’s not about “putting on her big girl pants”—even if she is over it, and happy with her new relationship, I do feel like J was incredibly rude to her by leading her on. Regardless of whether or not both of them have moved on, I think what he did to her was so heartless. He wronged her, and even though it’s in the past, it still sucks.

What I really would do is ask my MOH—my best friend—what she REALLY wants. If she thinks she’ll feel uncomfortable with Sally there, then make it clear that Sally’s not welcome. Tell her to be perfectly honest, and that you don’t care what she decides either way—all you care about is her comfort and happiness.

Again, I just feel like Sally is such a minor player in your life, and your Maid/Matron of Honor is CLEARLY a major one…I’d honor my best friend’s wishes 🙂

Post # 8
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

You only sent out Save-The-Date Cards. You have no idea what is going to happen with both their relationships before you send out the invites there is no point stressing over it now!

When the time comes for invites and everyone is still in the same relationships and if you are such good friends with Ashley just talk to her about the way she feels don’t decide for her. If she is happy in her new relationship everything should be dandy!

Post # 10
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

are you actually friends with sally, like J claimed?  if not, no plus 1 for J!

Post # 11
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Rut ro, I think I’m the voice of dissent lol 😉

Since/if you are extending +1 to all other friends, then yes, I think it would be rude to not extend one to Sally, if J and Sally are still seriously dating by the time of your wedding. Of course, they may not be dating = problem solved!

IMO, if you date within circles of friends/roommates, then I think you run the risk of seeing ex’s (or people you made out with, but didn’t date) at parties, weddings and get togethers, and you just have to be a grownup and deal. I don’t really understand the long term anger at J when everything basically happened in such a short period of time.

Post # 12
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’d say don’t invite Sally. In a perfect world most women could put on their “big girl” panties and be done with the drama, but unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world. If I was your Maid/Matron of Honor and I had bad blood or tensions with another woman I would not want to have that person around for the big day. Your Maid/Matron of Honor is a really important part of the wedding.

If you invite J then don’t include a plus one. Make it clear to your Fiance that you want to compromise by allowing him to come as a guest, but that you won’t disrecpect your Maid/Matron of Honor by allowing Sally to come. I think you are totally in the right to not want her to be there.

In the end you can always wait a bit like PPs have said and just see how everything plays out before you make a decision.

Post # 13
101 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Don’t invite Sally, and don’t give J. a plus-one. 

You can always give others a plus-one based on your perception that their relationships are serious. You can safely assume, I think, that J. and Sally are not serious because he’s been with and then without and then with her, back and forth, numerous times. Ultimately, when you’re the host and you’re passing out plus-ones and so forth, you’re the judge of such things. 

Unless they’re engaged, living-with, or married to a woman, they rarely get bees in their bonnets about bringing their ladyfriends to weddings.

Men also don’t typically go around inquiring of other guests how serious their relationships with their ladyfriends are and then think to themselves, “How come Brad got to bring Angelina but I didn’t get to bring Sally? I’m so upset!”

Usually, I believe in equity in this kind of thing. When there’s a conflict, though, you have to dig a little deeper and be honest that invitations to social events aren’t a matter of “fairness.” We have all been excluded from something we wanted to go to. It just might be Sally’s turn, this year. Maybe she has to be the one to “be a big girl.”



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