Post # 1
I’m a semi-regular bee going anon because I have put too much identifying information on my regular account and I have family who lurk on the site.
My parents are paying for our entire wedding and when we got together to decide on a number for the guest list they pretty much told FH and I that we could invite as many people as we wanted and that they would decide how many guests they and the Future In-Laws would get after we gave them a ballpark number. We gave them 200 and they decided they would invite 25 and the Future In-Laws could invite 25 (family was included in our 200).
FH tells Future Mother-In-Law and later on I get an angry text from her asking why she wasn’t included on the meeting to decide numbers and saying that she has at least 80 people that she needs to invite and that she can’t make cuts. Then she texts FH and offers to pay for the 55 additional people. Neither of us has responded to her but I think I’m planning on telling her no.
The most important thing is that we don’t want that many people at our wedding (which is partly how the number was decided). Also I know that my parents would pay for the additional guests and probably be a little offended that Future In-Laws offered to subsidize a wedding they are hosting, like what they’re providing isn’t good enough. And if that isn’t enough I feel like it’s unfair for her to say “Well I’ll pay for 55 plates” when my parents are paying for the entire thing. Inviting 25 percent of the guests and saying that you’ll pay for what will end up being less than 10 percent of the wedding is kind of rude to my parents. FH says whatever I want to do is fine, he knows 12 of the 80 so he doesn’t care if they come or not but he also wants his mom to be happy.
So should I let her invite the people?
Post # 2
Honestly if she’s willing to pay for the extra guests I don’t really see the problem. You say you don’t want a ton of people at your wedding but it’s already 200 people which is big and it’s not likely that everyone will come anyway so it’s not like you’d have 255 if she invited everyone she wants.
Post # 3
Your fiancé doesn’t even know them? Why on earth would they want to attend? If I got an invite to a wedding where I’d never met the guests of honor I’d have to assume they were either insane or greedy. I probably wouldn’t even bother to rsvp. Do not allow this. The money part is a non issue here. It’s just awkward.
Post # 4
I don’t really understand your logic about why it was rude of your Future Mother-In-Law to offer to pay for the extra guests they want to invite. To me it would have been far ruder to not offer at all and just assume your parents will foot the bill for that, even though your parents are only inviting 25 people. Also your logic is all over the place. First you say FIL’s offering to subsidize will make your parents feel like “what they’re providing isn’t good enough.” Then you say it would be rude for them to ONLY pay for what would amount to 10% of the wedding. So which is it…rude that they offered to pay at all, or rude that they didn’t offer to pay for more?
I think the tactful thing would have been to include your Future In-Laws in the discussions about guest lists before you made the final decision–that way at least they would have felt included and like their voice mattered–but that ship has sailed. That said, you are under no obligation to extend invites to her additional 55 people. Since money isn’t a factor here (you make it sound like both your parents and in laws could cover the extra plates), you simply need to tell your in laws that you and your Fiance want a smaller wedding for the sake of it, so they have to cut their list.
Post # 5
Actually, if I understand correctly, the wedding is currently at 250 people (200 for bride and groom and another 25 per family). IMO the difference between 250 and 300 is negligible…both are large weddings. And if money’s not an issue why create a huge drama over this…I would prob let Future Mother-In-Law invite the extra people.
Post # 6
Yeah, I mean if you were invitring 100 people and they wanted an extra 50, thats a big difference. 250 – 300? Less so.
Why dont you talk to your parents about it and see what they say? They might be totally fine with them paying for the plates. Realistically, its not going to make a difference in price for your DJ, photographer, venue, dress, outfits, etc. Its going to be tables, chairs, centerpieces and food. Get the actual number for all that, and give it to the in laws.
Post # 7
Ah, I missed that. Yeah, that makes it even more so that I wouldn’t care about an extra 50 or so. But I also wouldn’t know 250 people well enough that I’d want to invite to my wedding so I’d assume not knowing some people wouldn’t matter.
Post # 8
I’d tell her no, but I hate being bullied and the idea of an angry text irks me. Had she asked nicely, maybe. Giving in to bullies sets a bad precedent.
Post # 9
Yes, agree. I was invited to a wedding where I didn’t know either the bride or the groom (bride was a co-worker’s daughter) and wouldn’t know 95% of the wedding guests either…I thought it was rather odd. I did rsvp declining, but I didn’t send a card/ gift (which normally I would if we couldn’t attend).
I do think your Future Mother-In-Law is being too demanding. She’s already had all family members/ relatives included and is given an additional 25 invites to use at her own discretion- that’s pretty generous in my opinion. And I do see how wanting more and offering to subsidize could be rather offensive to your parents, as though their generous offer wasn’t enough.
I think your DH should tell his mom that 250 is the number you and him have planned and that you don’t want to add so many extra guests neither of you even knows (don’t even make it about who pays for the extra plates), it’s your wedding, these people she wants to include are strangers to you. As for his mom being happy- her happiness for her son’s wedding shouldn’t be contingent on getting her own way to invite a bunch of random extra people.
Post # 10
Misread that you already included family in 200. I thought the 200 was only friends!
Post # 11
Your wedding, your guest list, your decision (since your parents don’t seem to be pulling strings). I agree about not giving in to bullies; it never ends.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel
It’s your wedding, so do what you feel is right
Post # 13
I think I just worded that poorly. I think it’s rude that they’re asking for additional guests in the first place. Deciding on a number took 2 weeks (maybe I made it seem less involved than it was) and Future In-Laws were involved in the decision for the 200 which includes his family and close family friends. The 25 are supposed to be people that maybe they are closer to than us or whoever they want to invite without our permission, it isn’t every one they got to invite.
I don’t expect them to pay for anything but an offer to pay for a small part of the wedding to host and have say in the things that they want is unfair to my parents who are paying for the entire thing. They had no interest in having any involvement in the wedding until it was mostly planned and not what they wanted.
Post # 14
I think you should discuss it with your parents first. If they’re paying for the vast majority of the wedding and were only inviting 25 people to be senstitive to your desires they might feel slighted that your Future Mother-In-Law is inviting so many more people to an event that they’re hosting.
Assuming your parents are ok with the arrangement, I would make sure that Future Mother-In-Law knows that paying for an additional 50 guests does not just mean paying for food. It means paying for additional tables and chairs, invitations (and whatever other paper goods you have), flowers, favors, etc.
Post # 15
They’re Future In-Laws friends (not even the close ones, which are included in the 200) which I don’t understand either.