Post # 46
HELL TO THE FUCKEN NO!!!
This post is actually aking me livid…the control that this woman seeks is just beyond me! Your Fiance needs to put his foot down. I don’t agree with PP’s saying “well, it’s a big wedding, what’s 50 more?”. UM…NO! Just because some of us decide to have small, intimate weddings, does not mean everyone has that luxury to cut people from their lists. Some people have large immediate families, making this nearly impossible. Even so, this is about the COUPLE, the joining of THEIR lives, witnessed by THEIR loved ones, or people that have impacted THEIR lives. This is not about the needs of the parents of either side. Let’s all remember that…
Having people that you or Fiance don’t know (and are uncomfortable with) is ridiculous! This is not a public party…it is a personal and intimate event (even if you do already have 200 witnesses!).
I would not condone your FMIL’s behaviour…it will only get worse, and I say this from experience with my ex’s family.
In regards to the money, I agree with you that it is offensive for her to be making demands since it is not an equal contribution. Only paying for the extras, in my opinion is ALSO rude since your parents are hosting and have called the final numbers. By pulling this stunt (if she gets away with it), she is gaining control of the situation.
If I were you bee, I’d stand my ground. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 47
This is what DH and I did for our wedding (we had a similar situation):
1. Agree that neither of us was comfortable withe the extra-extra guests, and so we would tackle the issue together.
2. Told Mother-In-Law and DIL (over dinner) that they had 25 extra people to invite, and gave them a copy of the list of people we had already included (in your case, the 200). We did this so they would know who already has an invitation.
3. DH was firm with them (for the following weeks) in that we couldn’t accomodate more people. We went with 2 main excuses: (a) The venue couldn’t handle more people, and (b) we had already paid/reserve all dinner plates, tables, etc., and we couldn’t ask for more (“because of the contract”).
4. Keep with the above until day of wedding.
Post # 48
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
I don’t think you’re being ridiculous at all. She’s just making demands to see if you’ll ask “how high” when she says “jump”. Put your foot down and just say no – otherwise you’re going to find the same thing happening when you have kids, buy a house, say you’re not spending Christmas with them etc etc – she’s pushing the boundaries to see if you’ll give way.
Post # 49
No pay no say, she gets 25 that’s it. Why should she have free reign to just invite a whole bunch of random people to your wedding?? 25 is quite sufficient to cover her ‘must haves’. 80 is ridiculous, that’s my entire guest list! Although sounds like she might be the type to just invite them anyway, better keep an eye on that :/
Post # 50
Honestly, it sounds like she’s really sad that you’re taking away her baby boy. Is he the only child? Or perhaps the first to get married? I think weddings can be difficult for parents because they’re bound to feel like they’re losing some part of their child. I think most parents warm up to the idea near or on the wedding as they finally realize they’re gaining another child, but I think it’s hard on parents and that’s something you should consider/be sensitive to. Also, I couldn’t help but notice that you seem to be putting your parents above your Future In-Laws. For example, you’ve mentioned all the wonderful things your family is doing, but you’re laughing at your crazy in law’s antics. I’m sure that’s not really how you feel, but I think it’s possible that some of that might be showing in your interactions with her.
Also, I couldn’t help but notice that you seem to be putting your parents above your Future In-Laws. For example, you’ve mentioned all the wonderful things your family is doing, but you’re laughing at your crazy in law’s antics. I’m sure that’s not really how you feel, but I think it’s possible that some of that might be showing in your interactions with her. I think sometimes that in laws and parents can get a bit competitive with each other.
Post # 51
“you’ve mentioned all the wonderful things your family is doing, but you’re laughing at your crazy in law’s antics”
But I dont’ see this as favouritism at all- OPs parents are trying to be generous and gracious, OP and her FH have already made accommodations to try and please her Future Mother-In-Law and avoid resentment, have tried including her in things, whereas the Future Mother-In-Law is behaving in a manner that is both appalling and laughable.
And many of us are laughing- not because of the stress OP is going through trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable relative- but because many of us know someone like this and can relate to the frustration and absurdity involved.
OP, definitely don’t give in on this. In addition to her acting like a bully and a dramatic martyr, she sounds like the type who- if you allowed her to pay for the extra guests- she wouldn’t do this graciously and quietly, she’d find deliberate ways to make it known to people that she paid for part of the wedding- which could hurt your parents’ feelings if she went around saying this as though their own standards of hosting weren’t enough, or she might unfairly portray herself as a co-host despite the large disparity in what they paid and what she actually paid etc. She may even go so far as to tell the extra invited guests that they weren’t on the original guest list and she had to ‘pay their way’ to have them included….most of us wouldn’t dream of saying this, if only to spare the invited guests feeling awkward and second tier, but she seems the type who would want her ‘largesse’ to be known, even if it hurt other people’s feelings in the process.
Post # 53
Personally, I think allowing them to invite 25 people is incredibly generous alone. The fact she’s trying to add an extra 80 is plain rude and selfish. Who’s wedding is it? I wouldn’t have been happy having that many people I didn’t know at my wedding.
Post # 54
I always hate when parents say they will pay for extra guests because now your parents only get 25 guests but are paying for everything including, 200 or 250 guest, I’m a little confused on the exact number and your inlaws get 80 guests but are only paying for 55. Why should the people who are forking out way more money get less guests than the ones who will only pay for their people to come. Just seems kind of unfair to me and unequal to me. Also, it’s kind of rude to essentially say the wedding your parents are paying for isn’t good enough for them. If they wanted that many people to come, they should have offered to pay for the wedding.
Post # 55
I agree! I just think that this kind of behavior can usually be explained and I offered one possible explanation based on what I read/interpreted in her post. If she’s mentioning how much her parents are helping out around her Future Mother-In-Law too often, it may have caused some insecurities and is leading to some of these behaviors. I agree that OP’s parents have been incredibly generous to offer to pay for their wedding, but I also think a lot can be said for making both sides of the family feel equally important and valued. It’s possible that the Future Mother-In-Law would like to help pay, but can’t afford to pay half of a 200+ person wedding and this was her way of trying to help because she thought it would be rude to only pay for her 25 guests. There’s really no way for us to know. All we can do is base our opinions and advice on a short description of the situation.
Post # 56
Update: Thank you everyone for the advice, I took it under advisement but in the end it didn’t matter because even I didn’t know the whole story. A few days ago Future Mother-In-Law informed me that right before thanksgiving she sent STDs out to her 80 guests (We didn’t sent out any STDs to anyone) so I had to invite them. I was so done at that point that I told Fiance to deal with it and he told her that she needed to tell all of them that they weren’t invited. We don’t even know any of these people so if we’re the bad guys so be it. I’m still pretty angry so I decided that instead of going to FMIL’s house for Christmas like I was going to (usually Fiance and I split Holidays but now that we’re getting married we figured we’d switch between families) I’m going back to my hometown and Fiance decided to come too so now Future Mother-In-Law is livid at me, so be it.
Post # 57
she did what?!?!?!?
That is absolutely horrible and she should personally uninvite all the extra people. This lady will continue to do whatever she wants with limited ramifications until someone stands up to her.
Post # 58
To send out her own STDs behind the bride’s and groom’s backs and behind the backs of the bride’s parents who are hosting the wedding isn’t just over-stepping her bounds, it’s stomping all over it. When you add to the fact that most of these people (55 out of 80) weren’t even on the guest list, that is just jaw droppingly outrageous. I’m so sorry Bee, this woman sounds like a manipulative, conniving and entitled piece of work. The only good news is that your Fiance is standing firm and not catering to her abhorrent behaviour. Good luck Bee, it sounds like you and your Fiance are going to have to continue setting firm boundaries with her and not let her get away with bullying you to get her own way. Yikes.
Post # 59
omg, that is insane! I’m so sorry that you are going through this!Good on you for putting your foot down and avoiding her on Christmas… she sounds like someone I’d struggle to be around, too!
I honestly don’t understand the ‘youve got 250 people, what’s 50 more’ as I heard that from my Future Mother-In-Law with our guest list (we invited 60 people, and she made us invite a good 10 that we didn’t want there…) and nothing made me more annoyed.
Post # 60
Wow, the cheek of her!!
She’s going to have to swallow humble pie and uninvite all the excess guests.
If she’s crazy enough to send out STDs behind your back, she’s crazy enough to interfere elsewhere. I’d be forewarning all your vendors to not make changes without making sure they’re definitely speaking to you in case she tries to impersonate you.